Communication Issues

[MurkyGloom]

My husband and I have completely different communication styles and it leads to constant arguments. We’re waiting for a counsellor to become free, because we are having a lot of issues.

Any form of discussion with my husband results in him demanding a sit down, lengthy conversation. He wants phones off, etc. This is for anything from discussing housework to buying a house. The best possible explanation of this behaviour is when we were planning our wedding. I did the majority of work. I kept a spreadsheet, detailing everything. I sent him this whenever I had an update, which was almost daily. I also verbally updated him. Despite this, he insisted on sitting down every single evening and going through it, from start to finish. We would literally move through every point daily, starting with booking the church and hotel. We had over 200 different items, each one being discussed on a daily basis. It stressed me out so much. I found it controlling and unnecessary. It completely ruined wedding planning for me. He never saw the issue.

It’s the same with everything though. He will literally book an hour every week to discuss potentially moving house. This is at least two years ahead and very much being driven by him. Weekly, we have to discuss this from start to finish. We’re working from home so there’s no escape. I actually have to argue to get away after an hour. This is driving me insane. At this stage, it starts with him discussing (slowly) why he wants to move. Then it moves to why it would benefit our family. Then the types of properties that we could buy, house prices, inflation, etc. This goes on and on. I have given up contributing anything to these discussions because it just drags it out.

We spent so long talking shite like this that we could actually have done lots and lots in that time. Every weekend needs to be planned in advance (another hour or so of discussion). None of it needs this. We live together and work from home. We eat together…there are so many opportunities to chat and sort stuff out but it has to be this big formal thing. He used to insist on phones off, but now that we have a baby at nursery, I flatly refuse this. Browsing phones was never an issue. Again, I just see it as a control thing.

We’re very different generally in how we communicate. I keep things light and brief unless it needs a more serious discussion. It’s because very obvious since we started working from home. We met in Uni and have very similar roles within the same ind. I’m as productive and get what I need quite easily. He spends all day on the phone requesting updates, etc. He’s always frustrated because he never gets anywhere but I can see why. I can’t imagine dealing with him at work.

I don’t know if I’m being massively unreasonable but I really can’t face a lifetime like this but he sees it as the only way. I get accused all the time of not bringing stuff up, but my attitude has always been that I’ll give an update when I have an update. He expects a daily update on everything. It’s killing me. I just wasted my whole lunch listening to him talk shite and I couldn’t even eat in peace for 5 minutes.

I'd have bailed when he did that pouring over the wedding spreadsheet thing. He was showing you who he was, and you ignored it.

No way I could live with someone like this. Would drive me mad!

I keep things light and brief unless it needs a more serious discussion

This is subjective. When you feel something needs more discussion, you have to have more discussion, right? But you don't offer the same luxury to him, because you don't validate his need to have more conversation.

It's plain you're not compatible, but I think it would be a good idea to accept that nobody is right or wrong: there is no external locus of evaluation regarding how much any issue needs to be discussed. You prefer it one way, he prefers it a different way. And that's fine.

Stay away from people who routinely drive you bananas just by being themselves. Allow each other the freedom, whether it's together or apart.

This would drive me crackers. DH regales me with 10 minutes of what-he-did-at-work-today chat and that's bad enough.

Why did you marry him?

I think you've been extremely patient with him & shows strength of your character that you've stayed with him, but I would not be able to handle that even after a few weeks of dating

Control Freak bordering on abusive behaviour. Leave.

Blimey. If this is an accurate representation of how he is I wouldn’t have married him.

What happens when you say: we discussed that already, let’s move on.

What happens if you say to him: I don’t want to discuss X, Y, Z because nothing has changed since last time.

Also - is he neurotypical? Because this constant update-reinforce-planning model sounds so rigid that it reminds me of a relative with ASD. They ‘can’t help it’ (as in its part of their way of coping with the world) but it’s stressful to deal with and so they do have to understand that they can’t inflict this behaviour on others unnecessarily. In your case this would mean boundaries like encouraging him to work through the list/spreadsheet on his own, making a bullet point list of things to discuss.

What I’m saying is, even if he genuinely needs to do things this way, he can do that alone. You don’t have to enable him.

What happens if you refuse to sit there and have the meeting?

To answer a few questions, he is neurotypical. I married him because we were together for a decade at that stage. The wedding planning was when it first cropped up.
I often refuse to engage with these conversations. I really don’t have time or energy for them. Honestly, a weekly conversation about a hypothetical move, when he can provide absolutely no details himself. Ideally, he wants to move close to his parents. We cannot afford this. They live in a ridiculously expensive but not very pleasant area. It’s essentially a good location for commuting but is on the wrong side of the city for us, so it’s a ridiculous idea. He wants to buy a plot of land and build, making it more ridiculous. Apparently I need to bring positive engagement and suggestions to the conversation. I have none. We can’t afford it, I really dislike the area and it would negatively impact us. How am I supposed to have the same conversation weekly? How?

He wants to discuss everything and analyse everything in detail. We have to go through all of our spending annually to justify and categorise it. I flatly refuse to do this anymore. It turned into a week long argument the last time.

Everything is a discussion. I finished work early yesterday and went to go and collect our son from nursery. Queue him trying to discuss it with me. I walked out.

I give him plenty of opportunity to discuss issues but we had an issue a few months ago where he needed to replace the tyres on his car and he spent a full week of annual leave calling tyre places to discuss it. That’s five days of approximately six hours a day.

I’ve seen first hand how bad he is at his job because he rubs people up the wrong way. It’s just constant talking and having the same conversation over and over again.

I’m actually at my wits end with it.

@Sueexpress you need to start your own thread. You’ve accidentally posted this on someone else’s thread.

Apologies, early for me.

Is your husband aware that his need to discuss is not reasonable? Is he self-aware?

Have you suggested counselling to him? Even if he’s neurotypical this sounds obsessive and maladaptive and as you say it’s affecting all areas of his life.

How will you parent with him when your child gets old enough that things require discussion and agreement?

He needs to address this. So you need to be really forthright in telling him.

I don’t think he is neurotypical. This absolutely is not normal to need this level of control detail/frequency of minutiae discussed. You say this only started with the wedding planning? Did he have a majorly stressful time getting married? Why was this the first incident of the behaviour?

What do you want as an outcome? Are you able to shut down his attempts to discuss the house move? Clearly it isn’t reasonable to move to his parents’ area. Do you even want to move there?

5 days trying to sort car tyre replacement is not neurotypical behaviour. I like a bargain and will shop around but would not spend 5 days trying to sort such a non issue. 3 or 4 phone calls and its sorted, not 5 days.

When you mentioned he wants to move near his parents, I raised my eyebrows. Is he trying to grind you down by talking and talking about it?
Sounds like he has potential to be controlling.

we were together for a decade at that stage. The wedding planning was when it first cropped up.

Was it present before but not as noticeable? It’s very unusual that this would present after 10 years if there’d been no indication previously- how old is he? Any other indications of strange or obsessive behaviour or cognitive function deterioration?