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Original poster

He's not part of the family, right?

22 replies

HeIsDelusional · 03/02/2022 12:01

Namechanged as this is probably outing to a certain (admittedly small) group of people in real life.

SIL is in process of breaking up with her long term partner. He is still living in their shared rental house but they aren't together. It's probably fair to say that the vast majority of her friends and family have long seen him as an emotional and financial vampire. He, of course, does not agree with this classification.

At Christmas, we had long standing arrangements to go to theirs, which we did. Obviously no one was excited to be spending it with him, but he is still living there and of course, nephew wanted to spend christmas with his dad. Broadly, the day went fine.

DH's birthday this week. No party but we invited his sister and nephew to ours for dinner. ExBIL is absolutely fuming that he was not invited. Feels that we have been disrespectful and he was floored?

It's not weird right? This was a small event for just DH's immediate family and he's not part of that family any more? Happy to be polite and friendly as appropriate when out and about or at theirs, but we don't have to have him round here for everything do we?

OP posts:
Catnuzzle · 03/02/2022 12:03

He did not need to be invited. You are right. He's using it as an excuse excuse to make your SIL uncomfortable.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/02/2022 12:07

No of course you don't. It's your home and you invite only the people you want in it.

I'd be tempted to reply to him "You know whining that you didn't get a party invitation makes you look like a toddler, right?"

girlmom21 · 03/02/2022 12:30

I wouldn't invite him if they're separated. Does he definitely know they're separated or does he think they're on a break?

Original poster
HeIsDelusional · 03/02/2022 12:52

@girlmom21

I wouldn't invite him if they're separated. Does he definitely know they're separated or does he think they're on a break?
He knows - in the message to DH he specifically references it. Which was a relief as we have all wondered if he's in denial about that.
OP posts:
Original poster
HeIsDelusional · 03/02/2022 12:54

I'd be tempted to reply to him "You know whining that you didn't get a party invitation makes you look like a toddler, right?"

I have been amusing myself with various versions of a response ranging from OTT sarcasm to biting aggression.

OP posts:
Spaghettio · 03/02/2022 13:01

I had almost exactly this situation. My DB split from his wife but they were still living in the same house and spending time together as a family "for the kids".

I didn't put her name on the Xmas card or send her a Xmas present.

I got a v Randy message saying that she's a member of our family whether they're together or not and she deserves some respect.

I think I responded with something like "Thanks for letting me know".

She was fuming.

After a long convo with my DB I clarified that if they reconciled she'd be back on the Xmas card list, but as far as I was concerned she's was no longer a member of the family. My DB appreciated my honesty as everyone else had been playing nice with her to keep the peace.

Eventually she moved out, and now she's blocked the entire family. So still no Xmas card for her! 😂

Spaghettio · 03/02/2022 13:02

ranty not randy 🤦🏻‍♀️ that would have been really inappropriate! 😂

Original poster
HeIsDelusional · 03/02/2022 13:05

What I can't get my head around is that he really doesn't understand. He thinks that because we had christmas together, we'll do all family events together forever? I mean...!? I could sort of understand if he had a separate, individual relationship with us but he doesn't. The only time either DH or I have ever spent time with him without SIL is if it was linked to a kids activity. Him and Dh don't go watch football together or meet in the pub or whatever? There's nothing to our relationship outside of him turning up at our family events (usually with a long face) ....

OP posts:
Spaghettio · 03/02/2022 13:17

My ex-SIL was the same! We actively disliked each other and I live on the other side of the world from them so we had no relationship to speak of.

But she was horrified that our family would have events without her! WTF?

Daenerys77 · 03/02/2022 13:31

@Spaghettio

I had almost exactly this situation. My DB split from his wife but they were still living in the same house and spending time together as a family "for the kids".

I didn't put her name on the Xmas card or send her a Xmas present.

I got a v Randy message saying that she's a member of our family whether they're together or not and she deserves some respect.

I think I responded with something like "Thanks for letting me know".

She was fuming.

After a long convo with my DB I clarified that if they reconciled she'd be back on the Xmas card list, but as far as I was concerned she's was no longer a member of the family. My DB appreciated my honesty as everyone else had been playing nice with her to keep the peace.

Eventually she moved out, and now she's blocked the entire family. So still no Xmas card for her! 😂

Good heavens. Do people really keep track of who sends them cards and send chiding messages to those who don't? I don't 'do' cards any more and nobody has ever complained about it.
Drinkingallthewine · 03/02/2022 13:54

Ridiculous. Does he think he won custody of you or something Grin How's that going to work in the next two or three relationships of his if all his partners families are 'family'.

Christmas in 10 years time for him will be a fucking nightmare with all his 'families'

FinallyHere · 03/02/2022 14:50

What I can't get my head around is that he really doesn't understand.

Might provide some clues around why she has thrown him overboard.

Original poster
HeIsDelusional · 03/02/2022 15:51

@FinallyHere

What I can't get my head around is that he really doesn't understand.

Might provide some clues around why she has thrown him overboard.

Totally true. Need to keep reminding myself of this. Had a good walk with a friend who is reminding me that I can't control what he thinks.

And subsequent messages have just shown how completely differently he views the world. It's been a day!

OP posts:
Spaghettio · 03/02/2022 16:28

@Daenerys77 I know! I think she was more pissed off that she didn't get a pressie - but she is definitely the type to notice this sort of thing.

The fallout since their marriage collapsed has been interesting to watch from afar. I've never been so grateful not to live near my family! 😂

Original poster
HeIsDelusional · 03/02/2022 18:56

[quote Spaghettio]@Daenerys77 I know! I think she was more pissed off that she didn't get a pressie - but she is definitely the type to notice this sort of thing.

The fallout since their marriage collapsed has been interesting to watch from afar. I've never been so grateful not to live near my family! 😂[/quote]
Did she send you presents?! Grin

Because ex-BIL was oh so nervous about christmas after they broke up but all of us together... and you won't be shocked to hear he didn't even get a small gift for their DS (all gifts were bought, planned for, paid for, wrapped by her.... from "both" of them).

OP posts:
PomPomtheGreat · 04/02/2022 05:02

Just text back - Unfortunately, I didn't get custody of you after the break-up. Please apply to whichever family member did.

Original poster
HeIsDelusional · 24/01/2023 14:13

Am bringing my own zombie thread back to life with a (sort of) amusing update.

exBIL has moved out. He remains crazy and delusional.

Anyway, its all kicking off this week and he's been sending DH a stream of largely incomprehensible rants. We're not sure what's caused all this but I am wondering if it's a coincidence that DH's birthday (a big one) is next week? Certainly, as recently as Christmas he was ranting about last year to anyone who would listen! Grin

I remembered this thread, so thought I'd post!

I wish I could understand these men and their crazy delusions.

OP posts:
Blixem · 24/01/2023 14:23

My ex BIL was not happy when he didn't get an invitation to my wedding! We only had immediate family and my best friend.
I don't think he realised we were all really happy when my DSis ended the marriage as he was so controlling and emotionally abusive.

purpleboy · 24/01/2023 14:44

Block him and move on, this man is out of your life, don't give it anymore headspace.

DisforDarkChocolate · 24/01/2023 14:51

He's deluded, it's handy he keeps supplying evidence of what a twat he is if your SIL ever needs it.

Original poster
HeIsDelusional · 24/01/2023 15:14

DisforDarkChocolate · 24/01/2023 14:51

He's deluded, it's handy he keeps supplying evidence of what a twat he is if your SIL ever needs it.

SOOO true. DH and I have said this a few times.

OP posts:
Kissedbyfire1 · 24/01/2023 15:20

My friend left her husband for OM. She was shocked and disappointed when her ex SiL made clear that she was no longer invited to her holiday home in a very desirable place as had long been the tradition. Her argument was that as her children (ex SiL’s niece and nephew) were going, she must go to. The thing was, they were late teens at the time, and their father was going with them! Friend was raging and made a proper issue of it. She only stopped when she eventually married OM.

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