Perspective on my marriage

[HubbySA]

Hi everyone. I'm married to a lovely wife - been married 6 years now. It was our first relationship. We were both brought up in a conservative Christian church and so did the whole no sex before marriage thing (well she did...I may have broken the rules). We started dating at 18 then married at 24. We care loads about each other and have had lots of fun holidays and moments together. But now I've changed world views I regret marrying so young and not dating more.

We started to have relationship challenges 3 years ago when I dramatically left work due to stress which evolved into depression and anxiety. My wife has had to do a lot more for me than she used to and in the first year I was pretty much housebound.

Unfortunately as my belief/faith drifted away I started questioning. And realised that I had had more choice than I thought I had. Eg divorce used to not reallt be an option. Now it is.

The lack of a sex life also became obvious. And became more important to me. My wifes always struggled to enjoy it and has never really known 'what to do'. Sometimes its felt like I've had to gently coach her. And its very frustrating. She's resistant to learning for herself and so sex has always been one way if that makes sense. And I'm tired of it being one way. We've not slept together now for maybe 2 years. We've very loving and we like spending time togetber. We just don't have that element in our lives.

Currently in couples counselling. Initially I suggested it because I wanted to separate and wanted to leave well. But in the end it meant I committed to the relationship I was in and closing the option of leaving down.

Whats hard is I'm very reliant on my wife. I dont know if I'd cope as well without her. So obvi feel guilty for feeling tjese things. But I csnt help thinking how different we are, how her 2 auto immune conditioms make life hard and quite restricted (we can no longer do hiking togerher for example), how I dont reallt find her attractive anymore, and resent the lack of her proactivity/effort in our intimacy.

I feel like we've skipped the young and in love stage straight to stereotypical 'old married couple'. She seems more accepting of it than me but it doesnt feel like me.

Anyway wondering what other people think from their own relationships. Perspective and advice needed

There really is only one option. I think you know the answer to that without any of us spelling it out.

What do you mean reliant on your wife? That she does your cooking cleaning etc? Also I don’t really think you can blame her for being sexually repressed when it’s a huge part of her upbringing and religion. You have clearly stepped away from the teachings of your religion and she has not. Without both being on the same page it will be hard, I guess it depends how willing each of you are to see the others point of view

I think it's obvious that you have grown in different ways and perhaps physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually you will never be able to be close again. It's always difficult to accept change but it looks like there's no turning back for you. I think you should each free yourselves to be who you are and have become. Talk to your wife. You have both tried. You both deserve to be happy. Is it the end of the world if you separate? You already feel regrets and what ifs? Now is your chance to make changes and in time you will each adapt. Do you want to stay like this always and forever wonder how things could be if you took the chance to live a different life?

As you are in counselling I would suggest you consider what your professional therapist is telling you and how your relationship truly is as shown through your counselling sessions.

Asking strangers on the internet to determine the status of your marriage and what you should do is a bad idea. It is a doubly bad idea to ask for that advice as a man on Mumsnet, you have already had one poster start to suggest you aren't pulling your weight.

Currently in couples counselling. Initially I suggested it because I wanted to separate and wanted to leave well. But in the end it meant I committed to the relationship I was in and closing the option of leaving down.

Why would counselling mean committing to the relationship and closing the option of leaving?

Is this independent and professional counselling, or something organised by your church?

You sound like a kind and loving person. You’ve tried to do the right thing by your wife and your beliefs but it’s not working for you anymore. Hard as it is I think you need to be brave and end your marriage