How does anyone stay 'amicable' while divorcing?

[Sunshineandflipflops]

So my husband and I separated 4 years ago, following his affair.

It was obviously very traumatic at the time - we had a generally happy marriage & 2 dc.

We decided to wait to 2 years for a 'no fault' divorce for a few reasons but due to Covid, 2 years turned to almost 4 and he hasn't started proceedings so I did. We agreed that we would keep things as stress-free and amicable as possible as despite what he did, we (I) have worked really hard to have some kind of amicable co-parenting relationship for our dc's sake.

Anyway, it has been me absorbing all the solicitors fees as up to this point he decided not to get his own (was a little naive I think). Now my solicitor has put my offer to him re the house and finances, he has clearly had a dose of reality and got his own solicitor.

As well as dragging things out for 8 months (taking ages to get financial disclosure to my solicitor/generally taking ages to respond to things), he has now told me he can't pay me an installment of the divorce costs the court have ordered him to pay me this month as he "now has his own solicitor to pay" so it will have to wait until next month. He earns over 3 x what I do so don't know how he thinks I pay my solicitor bills!

I desperately want to keep things amicable but how on earth do people do it?! I keep trying to think of the bigger picture but my stress levels are at an all time high and we have come from a place of relative 'getting on ok'.

8 months isn't really that bad, especially if the finances are in any way complicated (pension valuations etc). I know a couple who took nearly 6 years to get the divorce settled. Legal bill for just one side was getting on for 100k. There was nothing exceptional about their situation/finances, just one side being particularly difficult about everything.

He needs a solicitor because you've got one, would be very brave/foolish of him to try and do it without, even though he's managed until now. But I'm guessing he feels he needs professional guidance in light of your financial settlement offer.

Thanks @altmember. Yes, I agree he should have a solicitor, just annoyed that it's taken him this long to realise that and now he seems to have a shock as to how much they cost, while I've been broke paying for mine for 8 months!

6 years...whoa . I really hope it can be sorted in the next few months as i think the stress will kill me before then...

Yes, sorry meant to add that if the court have ordered him to pay something, then he's pretty dumb to not do it in time. Sounds like it's not a huge amount, if it's just his share of the court fees?

@altmember It's just over £700, which is a fraction of what I have had to pay so far in solicitor bills and costs.

So, even though it is a court order, he's not paying you (on time)? Sounds to me like he's being manipulative for the sake of it. Come on, £700 ! Couldn't he stick his monthly shopping on his credit card if he's that hard-up? That's your money he's using.

@resetting2022 Yes, exactly. Thing is, I am a bit stuck as he gives me more every month than he would legally have to so that me and our dc have been able to stay in the family home so if I start demanding the money from him, he could quite easily reduce that payment and then I wouldn't be able to stay here

There are so many things I would love to say but have had to bite my tongue.

Ah I see, he has you over the proverbial barrel doesn't he.
Having said that, he's giving you more than he'd be legally obliged to - that's great but at the end of the day I'd say that he does have a moral responsibility to you and DC in terms of you having somewhere to live. It was him, after all, who had the affair and threw the grenade into your relationship.
Definitely bite your tongue - offload here - you need to be squeaky clean.

I think you are the person who should be writing advice to others in your situation not seeking it. To me reading what you have written your behaviour is the model behaviour for how to handle this situation you genuinely sound friggin awesome. But you are allowed to experience emotions around your DHs appalling behaviour and you are allowed to hate what he is doing and the impact it is having. My advice to you though is that your DH is not the person to deal with those emotions with, he is not a safe person for you, any frustration you share with him will only be met by defensiveness because he won’t want to accept his own weaknesses of character. You cannot control him, you cannot control the courts so focus on along yourself own life as good as it can be even with all of the going on. In the bigger picture you are going to thrive as a human being your ex will always be trying to manage his flaws and the fallout from them.

Find yourself safe people to vent to, feel your emotions and keep your ex at a safe distance emotionally because he is being harmful to you.

Seriously sunshine you really do sound amazing.

@resetting2022 Thank you. That's exactly how I feel about it all but money does funny things to people.

Of course, if he spent less on socialising then he would have more money

Can you gently remind him of how you both got here and that actually you have been very reasonable. Remind him he knows your situation and that you have been absorbing all these costs etc.

Other than that it is take time for yourself and always remember that this situation is temporary and you are working towards being free of this marriage.

Thank you both of you @Devilmakes3 and @Everafter20. These responses have honestly made me cry. I am feeling so fragile at the moment and I just hope that the 4 years we have waited to divorce hasn't cost me the guilt he had for what he did and the position he has out me and our kids through.

I have great friends but they are all going through their own things so don't like to put on them too much. My boyfriend is great but same with him and my mum tried but is very stoical by nature and always tries to tell me to 'pick myself up and carry on', which I generally do but sometimes everyone breaks a little.
My manager is brilliant, thankfully so we talk a lot.

I suspect it is possible to remain amicable but probably only in certain circumstances such as the romantic relationship being dead for some time, no infidelity, abuse or other bad behaviour, no or older children, easily divisible assets. Doesn't really describe many divorces!

Also, as he is being an arse about costs, remember that he is now your opponent in a legal dispute. Talk to your solicitor about this.

Sunshine your husband caused this shitshow. It is his responsibility. Your responsibility is to do the best you can given the shitshow circumstances you find yourself in.

It is so often that the people harmed by the shitshow causers are the ones who take on the burden of guilt as well because things are no longer “perfect” but it is not their burden that one belongs to the shitshow causers. Put that burden of guilt down it belongs to your ex, don’t pick it up again and just carry on being the awesome person that you clearly are.

Similar shitshow here @Sunshineandflipflops and the only way I’m keeping things amicable is because I’m pretending through gritted teeth and telling myself that the end - when we get there - will justify the means. I feel anything but amicable and tolerant (justifiably given the circumstances) but somehow that’s the face I am showing…whilst venting elsewhere. You have my admiration for keeping it going as long as you have, hopefully not too much longer