Struggling with changes in the dynamic. Can anyone help?

[SometimesItsAllJustHard]

I'm 47 and I have HFA.

I've been seeing someone for a few months who I've known for a few years.

I've always struggled with friendships and romantic/sexual relationships.

As a result, I've been single for most of my adult life with the occasional very short lived fling and an ill fated marriage where I married my best friend for all the wrong reasons amd had a loveless, sexless marriage with someone who was only ever a friend to me. I haven't had any positive relationship experiences until now.

I'm finally in a relationship with someone that has the potential to last. He is everything I've ever wanted in a man and the relationship is exactly what I need. I have no doubts about him at all.

But. We met as as part of a group of about 15 people (m&f) about 4 years ago. The group was initially set up by a group of people who had known each other for many years. People came and went but the current set up has been pretty stable since I joined. A couple of people have joined and left and some longer standing people have left. But it's been a pretty stable group of 10 for a while now.

I'm finding though that I no longer feel I know my place in the group. I'm struggling with the change in dynamic when we all meet up.

Before we got together, my boyfriend and I would chat, laugh, flirt a bit, make a lot of eye contact and it was fine. It was the same when we first got together. But over the last few weeks it feels like it's changed and I know the change is me. He behaves with everyone the same way he always did but I don't know what my role or place is anymore. He can't behave the same with me.

I can't really explain it. He and I are in contact everyday, we see each other for the hobby once a week and from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday evening. Occasionally, we will see each other another night in the week too depending on commitments. There's no issue there.

The pattern of the hobby evening has been the same for the last few weeks.

I go to his after work. He cooks dinner and we spend an hour or so together. We do 2/3 hrs at the hobby and then I go back to his for an hour or so and go home. Everything is fine. He is nothing but lovely to me.

Last night I really struggled with it. I feel out of place. I don't know how to be with/around him. I'm aware that he sees me more than everyone else so he wants to spend time talking to them so I back off but I find it hard to find the balance between being with an around him.and giving him space.

Last night, I felt very uncomfortable and ended up pretty much avoiding him all evening. I barely looked at him, no eye contact and we barely spoke. I didn't stand with him at breaks. I know at one point he was giving me space to talk to someone that hasn't been since before Christmas but it felt like he was choosing to speak to everyone but me. I know that's not the case. I ended up on my own in a corner doing my part of the hobby. I feel like I'm in the way. But no one has done or said anything to make me feel like that. It's literally just that I'm autistic and struggling to cope with the change and relationship.

Everyone asked if I was OK and I don't want that and just said I was tired and having a few issues at work that were playing on my mind. But that wasn't true.

I'm also struggling on the occasions we spend time together as a group socially.

We're all going to a gig together in a few weeks time. He has booked a hotel for us to stay over as it's in a different city. But I'm already dreading it. I've been thinking of reasons I can pull out so that he can have a good, fun night out with his friends without having to have his girlfriend tag along. But I know that's not how he sees it and they're my friends too.

I just don't know how to manage the change in dynamic. I don't want to end the relationship or make him feel that he's got to consider me in every interaction or be overly 'needy'. But I'm really struggling to cope with it.

This is the only issue and I'm aware it's me. Can anyone help?

Anyone..?

I just don't know how to handle it and realised that I've ended a lot of potential relationships after a few months for this reason - the not knowing how to he around them.

I don't want to walk away from this one though. Partly because he is too important to me and partly because if I don't change this, it'll always happen.

Firstly, you're not tagging alone or stopping him enjoying a night out with his friends. You are one of those friends along with being his girlfriend. He's booked a hotel - he views you being his gf as an added bonus to the evening, not a barrier to fun with friends.

Secondly, the dynamics of this group have changed frequently before and you've found your place each time.

He sounds lovely, so explain you're feeling a bit anxious/confused about the new gf/bf dynamic and how to behave around him in the group situations. Expressing needs, negotiating and compromising are part of a relationship. They are not being 'needy'. Speak to him and have a mutual strategy. Avoiding him is probably confusing him.

Neither myself nor my dh are 'natural' relationship people. We've had to be very open and clear with each other about what we need/want/expect. For example, at gigs I'm happy for him to wander off up the front while the bands are playing, but I like him to check in with me between sets. So I told him this and he had no problem with me expressing my needs. It means he doesn't have to second guess every interaction.

Communication really is key. It doesn't have to be a big drama. Just open and honest.

Enjoy your gig. Enjoy your relationship. See changing dynamics as an opportunity, not a lose.

When I am at a social event with my husband, we don't tend to spend it together. I will spend time with the people I connect with, and he will spend it with his friends. We often come back together at the end, or I will look over at him during the event, catch his eye and smile, to let him know all is well.
You're right - it is a different dynamic when you're a couple and it does take some time to get used to. Perhaps you could aim to give him some space to connect with other people, and then drift back towards him at the end.
I think you should still go on the trip by the way.

Thank you so much.

I think the difference before was that I only had to manage myself when the dynamics changed and I did withdraw a bit briefly until I got used to the change but I didn't feel that that was having an impact on anyone else, and it probably wasn't noticed, whereas I do now.

I could speak to him about it. He asked last night if everything was OK. I easier him it was because I hadn't quite worked out what the issue was tbh and couldn't have articulated it.

He's very good at relationships and he is lovely. I'm confident he'd respond positively if I spoke to him. I just feel like I come with all these extra considerations and wonder if its fair on him.

@Elfsumflowerpig

When I am at a social event with my husband, we don't tend to spend it together. I will spend time with the people I connect with, and he will spend it with his friends. We often come back together at the end, or I will look over at him during the event, catch his eye and smile, to let him know all is well. You're right - it is a different dynamic when you're a couple and it does take some time to get used to. Perhaps you could aim to give him some space to connect with other people, and then drift back towards him at the end. I think you should still go on the trip by the way.

That's what I intend to do for those reasons but by the end of the evening I feel so distant. And it's more that I don't know what to do in the meantime.

It feels like a disconnect. And we couldn't even have those moments last night because I couldn't bring myself to look at him

It was fine (eventually) afterwards but it was hard.

I think you should still go on the trip by the way.

I'm just dreading a whole evening of feeling like it, potentially appearing miserable and then struggling to reconnect afterwards.

But thank you. It's helpful to have some things to remind myself of when I feel like it to manage my emotions.

It sounds as though you know all the people involved pretty well, and they care about you enough to notice you were not doing great and ask you about it.

That means you can talk to them, as well as to BF.

Pick one, ask if you can meet up before the next event for a chat. Tell them what you are struggling with (change is hard), and that you'd appreciate a little help while you get used to the changes.

You could ask them to reassure you that things are ok 'hey sometimes, great night isn't it? Fred's having a good time isn't he. Shall we go and hang out with him?'

You could ask them to catch your eye and smile at you, to send another friend over for a chat, to reassure your friends that you'll be fine, you are just adjusting... whatever you think would make you more comfortable.

It's ok. You have identified a problem, you have friends to help you manage the problem. It will be fine.

I hope you don't mind me spelling out strategies- it really helps me, even if only to say 'no that's rubbish, I'm going to do x instead!'

No indont mind! Strategies are what I need

One of the women knows I'm autistic and she did those things - looking over at me and smiling/winking and giving me an "are you OK?" look.

It's hard because she and one of the other men in particular are the people he speaks to the most and is closest to and I don't want her to think I'm jealous or insecure about their friendship because I'm not. I don't want anything to change for anyone else; I just want to manage my feelings about it all better.

I just as simple as I don't know what my role is or what my place is anymore.

And yes, they are all my friends too.

I'm HFA too. You had your routine and the way you interacted with your friends all set up in a way that worked for you and made you comfortable, and suddenly it all changed. Non-HFA people would just use their instinctive social skills and immediately know how to behave in the new situation. You need to relearn it. It is stressful, because it was easy to just keep doing what you knew.

How I get out of these situations is by thinking: "I will not be feeling like this for ever", and by remembering the reason it's worth doing it. In your case, because you are now in a relationship with someone you love, like and would like to keep. So a short time of discomfort and awkwardness is worth it, just for the chance of having a successful relationship.

You have done it before. If you're like me, you probably spent most of your childhood and teenage years trying to learn how to be "normal", or at least appear to be. You're likely anxious and stressed because you still remember how unpleasant and hard it was. The good news is, this time you're starting from a point of better knowledge. You already have friends. You already have support. You're older and wiser. This time, adapting to this new situation won't be a tenth as hard as it was in the past.

My advice would be: first of all, you have to visualize in your head what the ideal situation would be. It's not about "how should I behave in this new dynamics?" but "How do I WANT it to be in this new dynamics?". What exactly do you want to do, feel, how do you want your interactions to be? Set a number of goals and work towards them. Expect setbacks and awkward moments... after all, you've been used to awkwardness and setbacks all your life, and often even without knowing what the prize would be at the end if you succeeded, right?

And yes, you will need to overcome your anxiety and place yourself in new, uncomfortable situations. It's the only way to relearn the new dynamics. Again, it won't be for long. You've succeeded in much harder situations. Many HFA people do not even manage to have a group of close friends... you have! Now you will succeed in having a group of close friends AND a partner.

Keep your goal in mind. Feel the fear. And do it anyway.

So it's absolutely ok to tell her. 'I'm really happy you guys get on so well. I'm just trying to work out the dynamic without looking needy/clingy/possessive! I'll get there, I know you understand!'.

I had a similar situation where I was getting very upset about someone's rather sharp sense of humour. His wife wanted me to tell him, but I chose not to. I'd seen someone else demanding we walk on eggshells around her because she was super sensitive. I didn't want to demand that, I wanted to learn to deal with it. And I did. Both options were reasonable. I followed the one that fit me best!

@aurynne

I'm HFA too. You had your routine and the way you interacted with your friends all set up in a way that worked for you and made you comfortable, and suddenly it all changed. Non-HFA people would just use their instinctive social skills and immediately know how to behave in the new situation. You need to relearn it. It is stressful, because it was easy to just keep doing what you knew.

How I get out of these situations is by thinking: "I will not be feeling like this for ever", and by remembering the reason it's worth doing it. In your case, because you are now in a relationship with someone you love, like and would like to keep. So a short time of discomfort and awkwardness is worth it, just for the chance of having a successful relationship.

You have done it before. If you're like me, you probably spent most of your childhood and teenage years trying to learn how to be "normal", or at least appear to be. You're likely anxious and stressed because you still remember how unpleasant and hard it was. The good news is, this time you're starting from a point of better knowledge. You already have friends. You already have support. You're older and wiser. This time, adapting to this new situation won't be a tenth as hard as it was in the past.

My advice would be: first of all, you have to visualize in your head what the ideal situation would be. It's not about "how should I behave in this new dynamics?" but "How do I WANT it to be in this new dynamics?". What exactly do you want to do, feel, how do you want your interactions to be? Set a number of goals and work towards them. Expect setbacks and awkward moments... after all, you've been used to awkwardness and setbacks all your life, and often even without knowing what the prize would be at the end if you succeeded, right?

And yes, you will need to overcome your anxiety and place yourself in new, uncomfortable situations. It's the only way to relearn the new dynamics. Again, it won't be for long. You've succeeded in much harder situations. Many HFA people do not even manage to have a group of close friends... you have! Now you will succeed in having a group of close friends AND a partner.

Keep your goal in mind. Feel the fear. And do it anyway.

This is brilliant! It resonates with me so much and that idea of thinking about what I want it to be and then working to achieve that is just what I needed. Thank you!

I just wanted to come back and say I met up with the woman I spoke about last night and told her I'm struggling with knowing place/role and how to 'be'.

She said she'd accepted that I was just tired but could now see that I'd kind of shut down and she'd be aware of it in future.

She also thinks I should speak to him and that he would be very understanding. So I'm going to do that when I see him tomorrow.

Thanks for your help.