I'm sabotaging my marriage

[Avonacha]

Hello all. Can't sleep because I'm just so full of anger. This is super long so best of luck getting through it.

Don't really know where to begin. As a child I was a real parent-pleaser, as were my parents but especially my mum. To this day, she is still forever the martyr still trying to please her dad who is unpleasable. Looking back, she used a lot of emotional blackmail to parent me because that's all she knew, and as a consequence, I am the world's biggest people pleaser. I loathe myself for it and even as a child I remember hating myself so much. I must sound so pathetic so thank you if you've even got this far. I'm such a massive people pleaser that even working in a super lucrative industry, I barely make much because I'm always giving discounts and doing stuff for free...I just cannot help it. It's like my work has no value unless I can get the person on the receiving end to like me.

ANYWAY. Fast forward, I've been married to DH for 6 years, and we have an 18 month old. DH is amazing (even though I really don't feel very nice about him right now). He has always been supportive and kind and I can't really fault him apart from minor "man" things like having to remind him to do certain things 4739202 times.

DH comes from a much more healthy family in terms of relationships. I only realised what normal families and parent-child relationships look like after I married him and got to know my in laws a bit better. He is a great communicator and I really am not at all. And this is where my issue begins. If DH needs me to do something or change the way I do something, he just tells me. But if I need him to do something or if I'm upset by something he's done, I just can't tell him. I can't face any level of confrontation or conflict. Most times he knows I'm upset about something and desperately wants to know what the issue is, so he can fix it, but I PHYSICALLY cannot tell him what he's done wrong. I just freeze, I can't get the words out. I end up apologizing or blaming myself just so he leaves the issue alone, but inside I am absolutely seething. I am so bloody angry I just want to break a few glasses and plates. Over 6 years, you can imagine the anger that's built up. He's never done anything terrible, it's always just minor things but the build up makes it much worse for me.

Now I'm at the point where I'm angry even if he tries giving me a cuddle. I'm angry if he asks me if he can do anything to lessen my load at home. I'm angry at everything he does and I am turning into my mother. I just cannot get myself to tell him all the little things I'm pissed off about so I tell him everything is fine and I'll do xyz around the house and that he should go out with his friends. It's almost like I punish myself like this. I'm known to be a really calm, relaxed person. I've never had an angry outburst in my life but I feel I'm getting very close to one and it's all because I just don't know how to address the little things when they crop up.

I remember as teens we would suggest to my mum that she should go for a spa day or a weekend away and she would just get angry at us. I didn't understand at the time and to be honest I still don't get it now, but I'm replicating her behaviour. I'm being martyr and I hate myself for it, and I am resenting my husband too although most of it isn't his fault.

This past month I've been so angry (I never show this anger outwardly) that I am revolted my the idea of sex, and my husband has noticed. He tried broaching the subject with me last night and I just couldn't explain all this anger and resentment to him so I basically said, sorry and I'll make more of an effort. Inside though I just wanted to tell him that if he remembered to unload the bloody dishwasher in the mornings, maybe I'd have more time later on for sex. How pathetic is that? I can't even get myself to remind him to unload the dishwasher. This is just one example. There are lots, day to day.

I have just become so resentful, I hate it. It's not him (before Mumsnet starts telling me to leave him). It's definitely 90% me and I just don't know how to fix it. And the martyr in me doesn't even WANT to fix it. Sometimes I feel like I deserve an unhappy marriage, or to be left by my DH. How crazy.

I honestly sound nuts now that I've written all this out. Has anyone else been through anything similar? I feel so pathetic and I hate what my childhood was like. It's only since having my child that I realised how messed up my mothers parenting was. Please help.

I really think it's best that you seek counselling pronto. You seem quite self-aware but as you say, self-awareness doesn't seem to be stopping you from sabotaging your marriage and punishing your husband for things that aren't his fault at all.

You may need some kind of treatment like EMDR to deal with PTSD or Schema therapy to help you unpick what's going on in the way you react to people.

Hello. I woke up for my nightly trip to the loo and didn't want to run.

This sounds complex. I'm guessing as you find it hard to talk about you have never tried counselling.
I guess ( but don't know) a counsellor might explore what you are afraid of. So what you think would happen if you did say things to DH?

You say:

" He's never done anything terrible, it's always just minor things but the build up makes it much worse for me. "

The only example you've given is the dishwasher. It must be annoying he doesn't help with this. What are some other examples, how has he been with the 18 month old. That's a hard age parenting wise, would you like more shared parenting there? What are both your working arrangements?

If not ready for counselling yet try Phillippa perrys book - the book you wish your parents had read.

Thanks for your responses. No, I haven't tried counselling yet. I want to but need to budget for it. DH has suggested it a few times due to my severe PND (which I think I'm mostly over now).

@lonelyplanetmum I honestly don't even get that far in my thought process when I choose not to tell him my needs. It's almost like a reflex now. "What's wrong?" and I just panic and go into anything to avoid the conversation.

In terms of other examples...honestly they are so minor I can't remember half of them. It's like if a meeting crops up for him and he forgot to mention it until last minute, instead of telling him "next time could you please tell me earlier so I can plan accordingly" or whatever, I will just be fuming/annoyed inside but won't say anything to him, so he just continues that way without having any inkling that I was inconvenienced by it. In my head that annoyance builds and builds and then I file it away in my "things DH has done to piss me off" cabinet, which is now bursting.

He's genuinely one of the good ones. Very involved with our 18mo and is always encouraging me to take up a hobby or something similar so I can catch a break. I am a SAHM at the moment, by choice. My MH wasn't great and I found going back to work to a very high pressure job very overwhelming. I don't think I was ready and not really sure if or when I'll go back.

This must feel incredibly lonely, I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. As pp have said, I'd really recommend counselling. Or failing that, you seem apt enough at writing, could you write him a letter? Maybe even bite the bullet and show him the thread? I know that probably sounds extreme but if you physically can't explain to him verbally, maybe other solutions of communication are going to be what saves you?

There's lots to unravel. The book referred to up thread is a good starting point. Counselling would perhaps be easier for you now, as most counselling offers an on line option still. Maybe try a one off trial session?

Posting things on here is a step towards saying something safely too. What do you think DH could say if you did say anything?

You have mentioned PND and your MH not being great and your high pressure job being overwhelming. So you've had a lot of change as well as a baby. Do you think your resentment at DH is partly at the accumulated little things or could be in part because over the last two years your life has changed more than his. Did the little things build up in the same way in the four years before the baby?

Can you show your DH your post here? Or write your feelings down for him.

First off, anger isn’t bad or immoral-it’s just an normal emotion. Anger can be healthy because it helps you to take action. But because you’ve suppressed all anger because it’s “bad” you now don’t have the tools to express it in a helpful way. However, you can learn that and I echo others’ advice to see a therapist as they will know what to do.

My Mum grew up in a household with alot of conflict. She struggles to this day to show anger and my brother is the same. My mum tried to damn any anger in us. My brother struggles to even feel it whereas I had loads of it but it overwhelmed me in different ways - anxiety and overwhelm particularly. I struggled after my DC was born because that’s a real trigger for resentment against DHs because let’s face it they can be a bit clueless at times!

I sought help with counselling and I’m increasingly able to move beyond pure emotion (a child like state) towards a more reasoned response (still a work in progress🤣)

I think you’re afraid of letting the anger out because at the moment it will be like a big tantrum which is “socially unacceptable”. It might help you to know that I had a tantrum last night with DH and I had to have that tantrum to understand why I was upset. My DH is supportive and yours sounds equally so.

You need counseling before you break up your DC's family. There's obviously much to unpack from your childhood and you can't do it alone. If you care about your marriage, book counseling now.

The thing is that you’ve said the one word that is marriage ending - resentment.
You say that he’s amazing and wonderful, but he can’t be if you are getting so angry and resentful.
Either this relationship isn’t actually suiting you, like you think or have convinced yourself or is, or there’s more that you’re not saying or perhaps don’t realise yourself.

You need counselling and quick. You are indeed sabotaging your marriage and these patterns aren’t healthy. Your DH will get fed up. Please get some help.
Being frustrated with each other about the dishwasher or whatever is just part of a normal, healthy relationship

Hi OP, I recommend EMDR. I have done counselling and therapy, and found I went round in circles with it for years trying to solve the same problems. As soon as I got EMDR, my issues shifted.

Could you write all this down and give him the letter?

But you really need to practise saying no or telling him what's bothering you - start small and work you way up, like 'please could you do the dishwasher now, before I make packed lunches'?

Counselling would also help.

Good luck, op.

Op I have experienced exactly what you are talking about in my marriage. I was also conditioned to be a people pleaser by my mum. I would go a step further than you and sometimes explode at my husband. I had to learn from him how to have a healthy argument without name calling and other toxic behaviour that I learnt from my parents.

Counselling, as others have suggested, will definitely help you. You have lots of self awareness, but counselling will help you to examine your behaviour from afar. You will find a way to learn to communicate in the moment.

I am still with my DH and am able to communicate a bit better now, bit still get stuck on sharing my thoughts and feelings at time. It's a work in progress.

I'm getting older and closer to menopause which has given me the power to be really no nonsense at times and be totally blunt with DH. It's an amazing feeling! And slightly scary.

You are not nuts, you just need to learn a different way.

As he's a 'good 'un', it's worth working together to help your communication.

There are things you can say which are about you, don't require you to 'people please', and are not critical of him. Make a list of them! Have a scheduled regular chat to touch base where you can explore some things that aren't working very well- it's a great habit to be in when you have DC anyway. We had regular family meetings where we talked about what was going well, what was tricky, and worked out what to do about it. It was a family effort to solve a family problem.

Things like: I struggle with communication. I get angry, then can't explain why. I don't want to feel like this- I know it's hard for you as well as me.

After a while when you are used to saying those things, you'll be able to say 'when I remind you lots of times, I get irritated and frustrated and that turns to rage and resentment because I can't address it!

The thing is, the problem isn't the inevitable 'he leaves the lid off the toothpaste', it's how you feel about that and how you express that.

I have a similar background to you, and my DH has his own problems. We used to address things indirectly, via the cat. Sometimes the cat had been in the cupboards and messed them up, or left toothpaste all over the basin. We'd agree she was naughty and keep an eye on her.

I know it sounds weird, but it helped us!

There is a lot going on here, and it’s not all about you - your fault- necessarily. In framing this as all your fault, and not apportioning any responsibility to your ‘perfect’ husband it’s another symptom of the people-pleasing.

You’ve become a SAHM from a high-profile career. You’ve had PND. Parenthood is a huge bomb in any relationship even with excellent communication skills and the best will in the world. Now money is tight enough that budgeting for much-needed therapy is an issue. You’re the ‘default parent’ to a toddler, a high-needs emotionally draining experience. Parenting will be triggering your own memories of being parented.

So, you can’t speak up in the moment when DH does something that otherwise needs discussion.

Can you write down these ‘petty annoyances’ after the fact? Add a note to your phone, whatever.

If you told him in writing (an email) that you know you’re coming across as angry and frustrated and you want to work on it because you think it’s communication related to your background, what would he say?

Like every PP I think counselling would be a very good idea but also acknowledge that in terms of budget or emotion it's a big step that you have to gear up for.

In the meantime - OP, you might be a poor communicator in terms of speaking, but you're a GREAT communicator in writing. I don't relate to everything you've said about yourself but I understood it all perfectly. You're self-aware, clear about the roots of your issues and how they manifest in your life now.

I don't know if I'd advise you to show your husband a thread on the internet about him but could you put everything you put in your post in an email?

I wouldn't call myself a people-pleaser but I do avoid IRL conflict - email and writing is where I'm firm, no-nonsense and set boundaries.

This sounds hard
You really need to see a therapist or get counselling.

Have a read about/heard of PAC model?
Parent adult child….

Is it possible your husband is your safe place so you feel you can be angry with him.

Hi op..I would start therapy immediately with a good psychotherapist. I did it for a year and it completely unravelled and shifted patterns I had carried since childhood. You have to be prepared to do the work yourself internally though which it really sounds like you are.

A couple of starter points. You have written such a brilliant post explaining so clearly what you are feeling. Could you show him or write him a letter? Writing then walking away and telling him you are thr beginning of unravelling years of this way of reacting and you need his support. I told my partner I was very jealous and anxious but was getting help fir it.

Secondly. Start now to unravel the pattern in your thinking. When you get angry..what is thr belief you are reverting to ? What would happen if you told him you were upset about x minor thing ? Go through it in your mind

Ie. I can't tell him ye would be upset. Or I can't tell him there is no point nobody listens to me. Or. I can't tell him women are victims so there is no point. Or. I can't tell him I'm so downtrodden there is no point.

What would happen if you told him ? Are you worried your marriage would unravel ? Do you think marriages can only survive if the woman keeps everything inside?

I really believe that we can analyse our own thoughts patterns and hear what they are telling us

Have a look at the writer Alberto Volloldos. A bit far out shamanic stuff but it's about the stories wr tell ourselves.

Also read Oliver James They fyck you up. Brilliant book about family dynamics

@CheekyHobson

I really think it's best that you seek counselling pronto. You seem quite self-aware but as you say, self-awareness doesn't seem to be stopping you from sabotaging your marriage and punishing your husband for things that aren't his fault at all.

You may need some kind of treatment like EMDR to deal with PTSD or Schema therapy to help you unpick what's going on in the way you react to people.

Yes this.

And can you explain to your husband what’s going on? He can help you a bit too.