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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it normal to blame blame blame?

17 replies

fringeiscool · 02/02/2022 20:48

Nc for this in case identifiable via prev messages.

I have a friend who, whenever anything happens, is first to blame his wife. It could be something totally unexciting or something he does not really need an excuse for, but his first response is "x thought it was a good idea" or "x said I should do it" etc. When we all meet up, he has a tendency to put her down, like will interrupt when she's trying to tell a story or correct her. They have two young children and appear to be very happy otherwise.

I know other people's relationship is not my business, but if my husband did the same to me I would be pretty upset - it's one thing to correct me in front of other people, but in private conversations when I'm not there to defend myself. I just feel a bit weird/uncomfortable about it because even when it's just the two of us chatting I notice that he does it.

He is not a narcissistic type of person in general and to be honest I am a bit surprised he's like this. He's a good enough friend that I would feel OK saying something (I am usually pretty direct), but I'm not sure whether I just stay out and say nothing, or whether this sounds pretty harmless to other people, or whether it's OK to gently correct him if he does it again.

Genuinely a bit torn and would be grateful for advice so I can avoid putting my foot in it!

OP posts:
UserBot9to5 · 02/02/2022 20:52

I think that defensiveness is narcissism really.

That absolute inability to modify one's own actions or receive even the tiniest bit of negative feedback without instantly projecting the frustration on to the people around them.

UserBot9to5 · 02/02/2022 20:53

You dont need to do anything though!?

Original poster
fringeiscool · 02/02/2022 20:57

@UserBot9to5

You dont need to do anything though!?
Lol I know but I do have to actively stop myself from blurting out he's being a **! I just wanted a sense check!
OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 02/02/2022 22:15

Less narcissistic and more misogynistic Id say.

slipperylittlesukker · 02/02/2022 22:59

My ex use to blame me for everything.
EVERYTHING!

toppkatz · 02/02/2022 23:01

His poor wife - she's probably so desensitised to it she doesn't even notice any more.

If he's happy to belittle her like that in public it makes me wonder how he behaves towards her in private when there's no-one else around.

TeaOnTheMountain · 02/02/2022 23:03

@slipperylittlesukker

My ex use to blame me for everything. EVERYTHING!
Me too. It’s worse now we are apart, EVERYTHING is my fault.

It’s a horrible scenario to be in because if anything happens you’re just waiting for how it’s going to be your fault.

TheFoundation · 02/02/2022 23:52

I think that if your friend is repeatedly doing something that bothers you, you should either tell him that it bothers you, or pull back from the friendship, rather than trying to work out if his behaviour is normal.

Surround yourself with people you feel are thoroughly decent.

Ionlydomassiveones · 02/02/2022 23:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Pinkbonbon · 03/02/2022 02:36

It is narcissistic though. Normal peoplenwith empathy don't treat their partners like that. When I want going through abuse, eveyon4le thought he was a great lad altogether. Even though there were signs about how he was treating me, people make excuses for him. They didn't think he could be all bad as he wasn't all bad with them.

I'd reach out to her, ask her if she is OK. It can make all the difference having one person who sees the behaviour saying that it is not acceptable. I'd also reconsider my friendship with a jerk like him.

PepInYourStep · 03/02/2022 03:06

He is not a narcissistic type of person in general

And yet it seems that he is, a bit. Because this isn't normal unless it's a general sort of low-level bicker where both partners give as good as they get and otherwise the relationship seems happy and functional. Not good if it's one-sided and frequent.

Why do you want to get involved? If this is a very dear friend and you want to support her when she's said some things to you, or to gently talk to her about this and how she is generally, it's okay if you want to. It's also fine if you want to answer back to a man who, in your company, is being an arse in your opinion.

In any of these cases, it might not end well though, she might shoot the messenger, he might influence her to stop seeing you socially, she might be on his side, or his behaviour might get worse. Or all of these. And if he's worse behind closed doors anyway, then calling him out for it in public could be bad news for your friend. Be careful.

Original poster
fringeiscool · 03/02/2022 06:35

Thanks all, useful advice and comments.

I will reach out to her and check she's OK. Perhaps I could have been clearer in the initial post, but the husband is a closer friend to me than the wife - I have known him for 20+ years and I know his wife through him. She and I are maybe friendly enough to chat when we all meet up eg go for a walk with the kids but I wouldn't usually call her just for a chat, for example. She does have loads of friends though so I'm confident she would have people to chat to and vent at if needed.

I guess I wondered whether this could be more benign and some people tend to do this as almost a habit. When they first met he was truly besotted with her, and even maybe a few years ago I'd have listed them as seemingly having the perfect marriage! (I know no such thing exists, I just mean all seemed very rosy). I don't see him as a jerk in any other aspect, which is why this particular behaviour (which I think started in the last few years) stands out to me. Now that I've noticed it, it seems to happen more/I notice more. He's been a kind and supportive friend for so many years. When he corrects her stories or interrupts her in public I do intervene and take her side - which doesn't feel weird, I think he sees it as bants and she laughs and carries on.

OP posts:
2catsandhappy · 03/02/2022 06:39

Nothing you can do. She will come to her own conclusion. My ex is a narcissist and his favourite sentence was, 'That's your fault'. The negativity is draining. Way beyond a glass half empty mindset. Hopefully one day it will dawn on her that she is happier around normal people.

Original poster
fringeiscool · 03/02/2022 06:43

@TeaOnTheMountain and @slipperylittlesukker,

Sounds like awful place to be in - so sorry and sorry to bring back bad memories Sad

OP posts:
sandgrown · 03/02/2022 06:47

@2catsandhappy . I had one just the same and it really was draining!

UserBot9to5 · 03/02/2022 07:27

It could be very validating for her to witness you say publicly ''hang on, you talked over ''claire'' just as she was getting to the point! go on Claire, finish that, if you're allowed! wink wink

It might cause a fight later but the validation would still be worth it. I'm projecting now. But sometimes it is going to fit. My x was awful to me and nobody noticed, nobody cared, nobody intervened......

I get it though. People don't want to take sides or get involved. But sometimes somebody is so gaslighted by the silence and the apathy that they end up thinking ''i don't deserved to finish my sentence' and 'I guess I'm to blame, I'm fairly inadequate'.

morethanspice · 03/02/2022 08:00

I wish people had called my ex out on his interrupting, belittling and blaming x

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