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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trusting someone again after betrayal

15 replies

Storm587 · 02/02/2022 16:12

Would you be able to trust your husband after he had admitted to paying for sex with escorts?
STBX asked me to stop the divorce I am bringing. Married 28 years. I said there's no point us getting back together as I can't trust him.
He asked: can't or won't?
It sounded almost accusatory as if my lack of trust is volitional. The lack of trust is a natural response to what I have experienced, surely?

OP posts:

Ohpulltheotherone · 02/02/2022 16:27

Well in theory you can trust someone again yes. The actual question is do you want to trust them again.

My ex had an affair and realistically I COULD have chosen to move past it and not let it eat me up, maybe got marriage counselling and address the problems in the relationship.
But honestly, I didn’t want to.

I wanted to be with someone who hadn’t cheated on me. I wanted to respect my partner and not have to graft and work hard to trust and love them again.

I could have worked at trusted him yes but I didn’t want to.

Don’t be afraid to tell him that you don’t want to trust him. My ex did this “you could fix this if you wanted to” emotionally manipulation on me and I did end up thinking
“You’re right, I could fix it but I don’t want to”
Because no matter how much we work at it, I will always know that you risked our relationship to get your end away.

I imagine almost 3 decade marriage is very hard to walk away from OP but ultimately it comes down to choosing what your heart tells you is right for you. Not for him.

TheFoundation · 02/02/2022 16:31

The lack of trust is a natural response to what I have experienced, surely

Yes, it is, but even if you'd decided to refuse to trust him, rather than feeling it, that would also be valid. He's the one who screwed up, not you.

Tell him 'Won't', to stop him trying to manipulate you like this again. He's not looking like a nice guy, from what you've told us.

Original poster

Storm587 · 02/02/2022 16:33

Thanks for the tip @TheFoundation

OP posts:

thefourgp · 02/02/2022 16:42

Maybe you know in your heart he’ll do it again. Do you think he’s genuinely sorry for doing it or is he just sorry he got caught?

Original poster

Storm587 · 02/02/2022 16:47

I think he's sorry he got caught. He feels very sorry for himself but there hasn't been any indication he feels sorry for me.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 02/02/2022 16:56

The cheeky bastard. I wouldn't trust a lying, cheating mysoginistic dickhead either. But seriously how dare he imply you are the unreasonable one.

He pays women for sex, he got caught and not only is he not sorry, he is making out he is the wronged party. He's a disgusting person.

The onis is not on you to forgive someone anyway, it's on them to prove they are worthy of forgiving. And he has failed at the first hurdle. He isn't even sorry. And he's annoyed with you for calling him on his shit rather than being discugusted with himself.

Not that there's any forgiving shagging escorts anyway tbf.

thefourgp · 02/02/2022 17:00

And that’s why you can’t trust him. It’s not that you won’t, you did and he broke that trust. You can’t rebuild trust when you know they’re not genuinely sorry they did it. Don’t let him manipulate you. Whatever he says is designed to make his life easier, not yours.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2022 17:01

I'd tell him to go fuck himself, from here to eternity. Remind him that he was the one who chose to ruin your marriage, not you.

Original poster

Storm587 · 02/02/2022 17:01

Thanks for the advice all.

OP posts:

TheFoundation · 02/02/2022 17:04

@Storm587

I think he's sorry he got caught. He feels very sorry for himself but there hasn't been any indication he feels sorry for me.

Ha! Poor little diddums has to face the consequences of his actions, just like the grown ups. Such a shame for him that he had to use and pay for escorts, it must have been so challenging for him.

RoyKentsChestHair · 02/02/2022 17:05

Eeewww. Even if I could trust him, I’d never respect him so what’s the point?

IheartJKRowling · 02/02/2022 17:11

No you can't trust him again. Every single man I have known to have been unfaithful (friends, colleagues, family, ex) has gone on to do it again. In future they are either more careful or more blasé because they know there are zero consequences for their actions.

caringcarer · 02/02/2022 17:14

I could not trust that person ever again.

LynetteScavo · 02/02/2022 17:58

I couldn't trust him again.

I trust very few people, even those who haven't betrayed me. I'm just not a very trusting person. It's not a case that I won't, more that I can't.

If I were to stay in a relationship (for example for financial reasons) where someone had behaved like your DH I could never, ever trust them again.

Gamezup · 04/02/2022 23:31

No you can NEVER trust him again. I was with husband for nearly 20 years before I found out what he was up to in secret.....shagging prostitutes. He admitted to using one (one! Yeah, right) before his seedy life was exposed.
It's your husband who destroyed your trust in the first instance and if you let him get away with it this time, he will be doing it again before long. These sort of men get hooked by the thrill of it all and will never give up. Once a punter always a punter. I divorced my lying cheating adulterous specimen of a scumbag husband because he was doing the same thing as yours.If trust is broken, love and respect very soon disappears. I speak from experience!

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