I really need to vent about DP - unsupportive with my work stress

ConnyTheConnifer · 2022-02-02T14:13:39+00:00

I'm really stressed at work. DP works in the same industry but not the same field. But our work is the same basic structure/requirements. Last night I broke down. I hit a wall with my work so decided to stop for the night. This was about 7pm. I came downstairs from my home office and told DP I felt overwhelmed with work. Then I started crying. I couldn't help it. I feel swamped. DP told me to 'grow up'. That I had to be stronger. That if I had that much work to do I should still be upstairs doing it rather than crying in the dining room. For context, I had a bit of a breakdown in 2020 when all my work was shifted online. I had no idea how to do my work online, I had a whole brand new project to do, I was working 7-days per week until 8-9pm most days. Apart from this blip back in 2020, I don't complain about work much. I don't really get stressed about it. So its not like I'm collapsing over work every week. His reaction made things so much worse so I cried more. Eventually he came to talk. He didn't really apologise. He just said that he doesn't know how to handle that situation, but that he could've handled it better. So we moved on. But I still feel so gutted by his reaction. I'm not really angry about it. I just feel disappointed and actually quite lonely. Sorry, I don't know what I want to achieve here, I just needed to rant a little bit.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2022 14:19

You're right; he could have handled that far better than he actually did.

Venting re him is all well and good but the problems still remain in that your workload is making you ill and he has "moved on" but you have not (and that is ok). His reaction to your distress stung and still stings.

What is he like with you day to day in every day life circumstances?.

Do you have a HR department or line manager you can talk to?. I would suggest also contacting ACAS.

ShadowPuppets · 02/02/2022 14:24

That’s really not what I’d expect from a supportive partner. I had a really shit day last week with any horrible boss (I can’t leave because I’m pregnant and need the mat pay) and I came home late and missed seeing DD before bedtime. I was meant to be doing more work after dinner but I just couldn’t face it and had a big snotty hormonal cry.

DH’s response was to give me a cuddle, get me a cup of tea, call my boss a complete prick and listen to my rant. When I was done we looked at the holiday we have booked for September and counted out the days I have until I go on maternity leave That’s the sort of support I’d hope for in that scenario, not telling you effectively to ‘man up’.

Ozanj · 02/02/2022 14:25

He has a point and actually working 7-7/8 is expected in many home based project management type roles. The best way to manage stress is just to do the work & if you’re struggling with the pace of work / workload maybe it’s time to tell someone who can help you make the changes you need to help. Your DH isn’t that person.

Original poster

ConnyTheConnifer · 02/02/2022 14:31

He's absolutely great day-to-day. We have a wonderful life together. But he's really unemotional about things. I mean he does get stressed with work but completely different stuff to what I get stressed about. So he can't understand why I'm stressed about the things I'm stressed about. So he doesn't know what to say/how to support.

I'm hoping my workload is only temporarily insane (lots of deadlines very close together) but I'm raising the issue of excessive workload with my line manager soon.

OP posts:

Original poster

ConnyTheConnifer · 02/02/2022 14:37

@Ozanj

He has a point and actually working 7-7/8 is expected in many home based project management type roles. The best way to manage stress is just to do the work & if you’re struggling with the pace of work / workload maybe it’s time to tell someone who can help you make the changes you need to help. Your DH isn’t that person.

I don't work in project management. Working 7-8pm is pretty common but absolutely not expected in my sector. We get regular emails reminding us not to send emails out of work hours, and to try and work as close to our work hours as possible.

It's not always easy to 'just do the work'. I hit a wall yesterday. I absolutely was working but I was just going around in circles and got nothing done in about two hours. At times like that its best to just walk away I find, come back to it tomorrow.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2022 14:49

You could well be with an emotionally unavailable man here. Is he really the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?.

Emotionally unavailable people do not even realize their emotional state – regardless of whether they are ignorant or intelligent. Among the things they know and recognize is that they are right, fine, and need attention.

Your life with him may be good also because you are supportive of him and put his needs and wants first. It leaves you basically with nothing much to fall back on from him. Would that be a fair assumption?. Emotionally unavailable people will not value or pay attention to your concerns or they will only criticize you. Such people expect to be cared for, yet there is no way you can do that because they simply will not allow you to.

An emotionally unavailable person is also not receptive or supportive when you express your feelings. If your partner becomes uncomfortable, put off, frustrated, or withdrawn when you choose to open up and be vulnerable, this is an indicator that they're not good at handling emotions—both their own as well as yours. In a deep, meaningful, and long-lasting relationship, you and your partner should lend an ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a helping hand, but if your beau isn't willing or able to be there for you when you need them the most, this is a sign that you're with someone who's emotionally unavailable.

Have you noticed that he brushes everything off with a joke or sarcastic comment? Rather than expressing anger, fear, sadness, or disappointment, an emotionally unavailable person turns things into a joke in order to avoid dealing with raw emotions and to remain strong and unfazed in your eyes.

He will not change, only you can change how you react to him. This is really who he is and he is not going to change.

Original poster

ConnyTheConnifer · 02/02/2022 14:58

@AttilaTheMeerkat

You could well be with an emotionally unavailable man here. Is he really the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?.

Emotionally unavailable people do not even realize their emotional state – regardless of whether they are ignorant or intelligent. Among the things they know and recognize is that they are right, fine, and need attention.

Your life with him may be good also because you are supportive of him and put his needs and wants first. It leaves you basically with nothing much to fall back on from him. Would that be a fair assumption?. Emotionally unavailable people will not value or pay attention to your concerns or they will only criticize you. Such people expect to be cared for, yet there is no way you can do that because they simply will not allow you to.

An emotionally unavailable person is also not receptive or supportive when you express your feelings. If your partner becomes uncomfortable, put off, frustrated, or withdrawn when you choose to open up and be vulnerable, this is an indicator that they're not good at handling emotions—both their own as well as yours. In a deep, meaningful, and long-lasting relationship, you and your partner should lend an ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a helping hand, but if your beau isn't willing or able to be there for you when you need them the most, this is a sign that you're with someone who's emotionally unavailable.

Have you noticed that he brushes everything off with a joke or sarcastic comment? Rather than expressing anger, fear, sadness, or disappointment, an emotionally unavailable person turns things into a joke in order to avoid dealing with raw emotions and to remain strong and unfazed in your eyes.

He will not change, only you can change how you react to him. This is really who he is and he is not going to change.

Hi Attila

Thanks for such a long and detailed response. I don't think DP is 'emotionally unavailable' per se. He can be really good if I'm a little bit stressed, a little bit pissed off, a little bit unhappy etc. He'll talk things through, he'll moan with me, he'll do things that make me feel better etc.

He just really doesn't know how to handle it when I'm (a) really, really, really emotional (as in not just a bit stressed but like crying with how overwhelmed I feel) or (b) stressed about something that wouldn't phase him.

Sorry I don't know if I'm expressing myself properly.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 02/02/2022 15:25

As he's generally a keeper, how about a frank chat over a cuppa, when this immediate stress is over.

Tell him that sometimes when you are really struggling you need someone to give you a hug, make you a cuppa and tell you it will be fine. Ask if he's that person, or not.
Say that sometimes advice on doing things differently is helpful, but other times it's much more important to:
Give me a hug
Offer to run me a bath
Pour me a stiff drink
Tell me I'm amazing but everyone needs a rest now and then...

.... whatever it is you'd like him to do.

Point out you do the same for him.

Gerwurtztraminer · 02/02/2022 20:01

I think some people, often men, are more comfortable being solution focused when it comes to other people's emotional outbursts and fail to recognise when the best response is just to listen and not offer unsolicited advice.

I'm female but also used to have a tendency to be too quick to jump in with 'helpful suggestions' with friends or work colleagues and have had to really learn to step back and let people express their feelings and get it all out. Sometimes that's all they needed, sometimes after the venting and support they are then receptive to talking about ways to resolve the problem.

Sometimes those of us who have been brought up to be stoic or in homes that did not encourage expressing of emotions can feel a bit overwhelmed by strong feelings and outbursts. I know I have had to really work on beng more empathetic over the years, partly helped by the job I do. Some people do also have trouble truly understanding seeing things from a different perspective when they would not react in that way. It doesn't necessary mean your DH is emotionally unavailable (which is of course possible) but he might well feel out of his depth in those moments when you are very upset or are not reacting the way he would in the same circumstances.

So I agree with previous posters to make some time to talk him about how he can help when this happens and not just those times when you a 'little bit' something, which he seems able to cope with. You may have to be very clear what you need and expect from him in such moments (with examples) and then see how he deals with it when there is a next time.