Anyone ever push a partner away unknowingly

[riverrocker]

I've just nearly blown my relationship.
I've been insecure and paranoid recently due to an upheaval in our lives. I basically added up 2&2 and got 5.
I have realised that this is a behaviour of mine.
Can you help me unpick?
If I get too close to a man and feel that something is going to go wrong, I pull away. If A relationship finishes, I have to block on all platforms as I can't cope with seeing them.
I sabotage my relationships if they get too close or I feel like I be hurt.
I hate the drama but I need to help myself here .
What's wrong with me ?

I went through a stage of having to push someone away, so when they kept fighting the or pushing back to me, it 'proved' that they loved me.

I know this is due to past trauma, even back to childhood, but took me to recognise it, address it within myself and the love of a very good and patient man so get more on an even keel.

I think I would probably benefit from counselling, or would have done except my life is the best it's bene for a long time, so almost like I'm on the other side now, however again recognise if I'd have seeked support back then, it probably wouldn't have affected me as long as it did.

If you can afford counselling, go for it. If you can think back and recognise why you feel like this, and can't afford counselling, perhaps look at your history as a 3rd person and imagine how you'd feel, or how you would advise someone who came to you with these experiences

Hope that helps?

There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with you. But from what you say, I would guess that stuff happened in your childhood that meant you developed certain coping mechanisms to keep yourself safe and secure and that these continue to play out in your adulthood but no longer serve you.

Some psychotherapy could help. There’s also self help. I’m a huge fan of ‘the holistic psychologist’. You’ll find her on Instagram and her podcasts are also really insightful - the self healers soundboard podcast.

Read up in attachment styles, especially in your case avoidant style as it’s helped me massively.

I recommend this book; Attached by Dr Amir Levine

Thanks.
Thinking back to my childhood, my Dad was an alcoholic and I adored him.
My mother was crazy busy. We didn't really bond. I knew that she favoured my quieter easier sister. She often called me selfish. She expected me to come home from
uni at weekends to help her with my siblings. I wanted to party. I was selfish in her eyes.

I was always under confident with boys and men. I was sarcastic and antagonistic as a teen and young woman. I Envied my
Friends ability to chat normally to boys and men.I went to an all girls boarding school and the men in my family were treated like
Kings.
I adored father and he adored me despite him being largely absent emotionally and physically. Had him on a pedestal. He died when I was in my early twenties...Suddenly and I was broken for a very long time.

I pushed away every boyfriend I ever had. I caused drama. Basically sabotaged each one to make sure I couldn't get hurt or they'd get too close and see the real fucked up me. Tested them,
Let them treat me whatever way they wanted but essentially discarded.

Married Mr safe and sensible. Convinced myself I was attracted to him and really did love him on the early years. Anyway, any attractive man I had been with previously had a wandering eye.

I never thought he'd be unfaithful. He was. Many people in our lives were
Shocked because he was not considered attractive. Strange but many rude people had often said that he was punching.This always hurt me but in a skewed way, I felt safe that he'd never sleep with another woman while with me.

My first boyfriend after the end of my
Marriage is so lovely,
Kind and so patient with me but we all have a limit.
He is , to my eyes, absolutely gorgeous, so I expect that the young Child in me thinksk he's going to leave me aswell.
I can't explain it other than that.

You’ve described so many things in your early life which would have been traumatic for you as a child. Honestly, you deserve to be loved snd be happy and feel safe. This starts from within. I can’t recommend enough that you do some work on you, and there’s no shame in this whatsoever. You’ve developed this mechanisms to protect you. It’s just that they no longer work for you. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/selfhealers-soundboard/id1564136756?i=1000538136937

Try the link above for a podcast about self sabotage.

You don't have your own back, OP, so it's too scary if the idea of them leaving isn't in your control. So you take charge of that idea, and shove them away anyway.

If you had your own back, you'd be able to handle the idea of being 'made single' better.

You've learned to dismiss your own feelings because of the way your parents were. You saying 'Love me, please, I need your love now' was always de-prioritised in favour of something else.

I suspect that the relationships you've had were with incompatible partners, but you have taken that to mean there's something wrong with you. There isn't. Accept what is really happening: each of them has either been someone you didn't really want, or someone who upset you. You've expressed these things sideways (ie via drama, rather than just saying it), resulting in them leaving you.

My counsellor said to me 'The only thing that's wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.'

What if it was right to push your previous partners away? What if that, in fact, followed your true feelings, the ones you don't accept or express plainly? The ones you think are 'fucked up'?

What if the truth is that the right person for you will be defined by the fact that you don't push them away, so you don't feel faulty when you're with them?

Incredible posts thank you.so much food for thought and that podcast was a revelation. Many thanks.

@riverrocker I had a very similar upbringing to you reading your post. I’m so sorry, it’s very hard. Because we’re now adults doesn’t mean we’re not affected. I hope you can work through your fears, I understand where you’re coming from