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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confused & don’t know what to do

21 replies

Slippyslidey21 · 02/02/2022 13:06

If your partner has been behaving suspiciously with their phone what do you do? Confront the behaviour or snoop? When this has come up before I usually get a defensive reaction, which I know isn’t a good sign, so I’m not sure what good the first option will do. I don’t want to snoop, I don’t think he would do that to me, but I have this need to uncover the truth & I’m concerned if I confront the behaviour he may then delete stuff so I never find out the truth. I’m starting to feel like I’m going nuts & this is out of character for me but I have to know. What would you do?

OP posts:

springblossom22 · 02/02/2022 13:10

I think the fact he gets defensive is a major red flag in itself, and you've rightly picked up on that. Whats his behaviour like with his phone? New pass lock/hiding the phone/taking it everywhere with him etc? Has he been unfaithful before?

I think the curiosity would get the better of me, but I'd also be conscious about two things
A) how would they react if they walked in on you snooping?
B) if you do find something sinister, would you confront them about it and how? You'd have to admit to snooping so they knew where you'd got the info from x

Bunnyrun5 · 02/02/2022 13:11

Definitely snoop as you may be wrong and then you won’t keep worrying and being suspicious. If you do find something incriminating you can ask him for an honest answer if he denies anything you can say you’ve seen it. I hope it works out keep in touch on here as I know many of us have experienced similar situations and it helps to get support.

Original poster

Slippyslidey21 · 02/02/2022 13:33

Thankyou for the advice. Yes takes phone everywhere, passcode on, looks constantly at it. We don’t live together either so has the opportunity to do what he wants. Yesterday he seemed to want me out of the room before looking at his phone which aroused my spidey senses. I don’t want to snoop but I feel I have no choice. I want to know the truth, guess I’m concerned I might mess it up & he will find out. I have no issues in ending things if I find evidence he has crossed a line

OP posts:

Milamight · 02/02/2022 13:42

In all honesty I would snoop! Gut feelings are rarely wrong. I snooped (had never done so before) due to his behaviour being different with his phone and found a full blown affair. It's best to know and if nothing else, will put your mind to rest. If he has nothing to hide then there wont be an issue with looking. Xx

WheekestLink · 02/02/2022 13:49

If he's behaving suspiciously and gets defensive, I wouldn't snoop or confront, I'd just end the relationship.

Life is far too short to be with someone you don't trust.

Gilda152 · 02/02/2022 13:52

No, you don't snoop on somebody's phone. Ever.

If you don't trust him and feels he's defensive then that's a relationship problem not a phone problem.

itwasntaparty · 02/02/2022 14:04

End it, you don't trust him.

IwishICouldTurnBackTime · 02/02/2022 14:08

You could wait until there's an opportunity to look, if he drops his guard and leaves the phone unattended, or withdraw from him, so he starts to worry, or wonder what's going on with you (assuming he will). If he asks what's wrong you can say you're aware his mind seems to be on other things and you don't want to come across as clingy.

TheFoundation · 02/02/2022 14:12

@itwasntaparty

End it, you don't trust him.

Seconded. The issue with the phone is a symptom, rather than the problem itself.

In a healthy relationship, you can raise an issue, discuss it, and lay it to rest. You don't even trust his response when you raise it. Whether he's guilty of any wrongdoing or not, this relationship isn't good.

ravenmum · 02/02/2022 14:24

Depends on whether you are talking partner of 20 years, own a house together, or partner of 1 year, don't live together.
Personally, in the first of those situations, I did not want to end the relationship based entirely on him acting weirdly.

Peoniesandcream · 02/02/2022 14:33

It's a massive invasion of privacy and actually listed on acts of abuse to go through a partners phone. My ex used to do this frequently and it destroyed any respect I had for him. If he's cheating, he's cheating.

booboo24 · 02/02/2022 15:02

I too would have to look I'm afraid and take the chance of him knowing. However, if you find nothing will you let it go? Or, will you think, well I may have missed something or he's deleted something, so I must check again (& again & gain)

Another thing to consider is the saying that if you look you'll always find....things may be taken out of context because you're looking for evidence of that behaviour. I've snooped in the past though, but my problem was I found something but it could also have been nothing (friends and family said it wasn't suspicious, and I have ocd with obsessional thinking so I find it hard to trust my own instincts) and therefore my snooping spiralled hence the warning above!)

Booboo24 · 02/02/2022 15:02

I should have added on above that I try now to think that if there's anything untoward going on it will come out eventually

Gilda152 · 02/02/2022 15:12

Invading another person's privacy (via their devices) is an act of relationship abuse.

The hypocrisy of women on MN sickens me, as a woman.

JorisBonson · 02/02/2022 15:15

@Gilda152

No, you don't snoop on somebody's phone. Ever.

If you don't trust him and feels he's defensive then that's a relationship problem not a phone problem.

This.

Booboo24 · 02/02/2022 15:28

I also wouldn't have a problem with my partner checking mine, but obviously I'd like a discussion too. If he felt, after speaking to me that that was the only way he could some peace I wouldn't get over excited about it

purpleboy · 02/02/2022 15:37

Have you tried asking him outright to look at his phone? If he has nothing to hide he shouldn't mind. Although if your at that point then there is no trust and the relationship is probably dead, he will act this way in the future and then you'll start this charade all over again.
Open, honest conversation and if you still feel he is being deceitful then just end it.

Valkyrie40 · 02/02/2022 15:39

I would snoop - and I wouldn't have a problem with dh "snooping" at mine.

However, on these kind of threads I always just think if the partner was up to something he'd probably have a second phone? I know my dh wouldn't be so daft as to be up to no good on his actual everyday phone?

ravenmum · 02/02/2022 17:31

My exh used his normal phone, which he kept locked. But he was certainly daft enough to leave it set up so that messages appeared on his lock screen, where his dd read them. Snooping does not necessarily involve "going through" someone's phone.

Original poster

Slippyslidey21 · 02/02/2022 18:03

Thanks everyone. The thing is I do trust him but his behaviour is a bit off & is making me question myself, I don’t know if it’s me

OP posts:

ravenmum · 02/02/2022 18:17

You could try things like coming up quietly behind him as he taps on his phone, then appearing over his shoulder casually saying "Looking at Twitter?" and seeing how he reacts.
But it may be too late for that if you have already confronted him about his phone - a defensive/annoyed reaction could just mean that he's pissed off at having someone criticising or checking up on him.
If you met on OLD, maybe try signing up again to see if you find him.
If he drives you anywhere, see if his car's satnav saves addresses.

If it's not been long, though, then I'd end it for weird behaviour alone. Any other odd things? Change of routine? New hair cut/clothes/jewellery? Not answering calls? Changed his social media profile?

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