First of all, I don't want to LTB, that's not what this is about. And disclaimer: I realise I'm in a fortunate position compared to many, and probably taking for granted something that others would kill to have.
So this post is aimed at those of us in a long-term marriage who are just feeling, well, a bit fed up.
I don't know if it's a post-pandemic thing or the fact we're 20 years in - I just feel fed up of the compromises and while I do love DH, sometimes I don't like him very much - that feels like a terrible admission (in fact I've namechanged to say it) but I can't be alone in this?? I really, truly don't want to end our marriage, we do, on the whole, have a good relationship but it feels a bit... mediocre at the moment. I often project ahead to some unknown time when I might be free to make decisions without consulting someone else, I can have a tidy home, and a cat, and not have to listen to the sound of his chewing...
There's the stuff that drives me crazy: he rarely asks me about my day or my work, and when I'm in a bad mood or feeling withdrawn he will reflect it back, rather than asking me what the problem is. He's incredibly untidy - there's not a surface in our house that is untouched with clutter, he collects all kinds of large items to do with his work or hobbies and he is not good at throwing things out or storing them in appropriate place.
I'm not sure he really respects my opinion very much - he's very set in his mind and what he believes is absolute, he's not good at compromising. DD1 is similar in this respect and I pointed this out last night while they were having an uncomfortable conversation where neither would back down - apparently this was untrue and unhelpful and my opinion was pretty much dismissed. I left the conversation swiftly and spoke to DD later on my own about what was troubling her.
But it struck me that DH is often like this, and cannot accept any kind of analysis or even a slightly critical comment - he's immediately defensive and it makes having a conversation about any differences of opinion incredibly difficult - I usually end up backing down to keep the peace.
This is turning into a rant and I'm painting a bleak picture of his worst attributes..but I need to vent all the main things which really bug the life out of me. A lot of it is maybe insecurity or just a real lack of self-awareness perhaps? In any case, it's a lot to tolerate and I'm crap at confrontation so I rarely call him out or open up a discussion about this stuff - cue the defensive stance, and complete lack of ability to take the blame for anything. These sorts of issues are few and far between by the way, but when they do occur it really bothers me. And maybe there are plenty of things that bother him about me as well - but I don't know, we never discuss it?!
In the past year he's grieving the loss of his dad and I've definitely suffered from burnout, so we're really not at our best at the moment, but communication between us is pretty rubbish and mainly just everyday life chat. My libido tanks regularly as you can imagine with all of the above to contend with, and the lack of intimacy doesn't help.
It just feels like we're in the doldrums. But not in a total relationship crisis IYKWIM? At least, I hope not. We've never been a very lovey-dovey couple and I just don't get those people who say they still get starry-eyed and love their partnermore now than when they met etc. etc... that might be true for them but it's not the way of every couple.
Is anyone else in the same boat at the moment? Kind of going through the motions, mid-life marriage mediocrity, wondering when it will get better? Is this normal??