another year, another chance .......I DO really wish it could work

[chocolatemummy]

Wow it seems to be happening all over the place at the moment.
What many of you describe seem like lonely and pretty miserable excuses for a marriage.
I have felt this way at times, but at other times I can't believe how lucky I am ad I know my dh loves me to death. We have kisses and cuddles but never have sex, (my fault)
dh just seems to sit on the computer or on the loo, only thing he gets enthusiastic about is cars. He has been depressed for years and has been on medication for the last 10 months. He has no drive or ambition at all and I get so fed up with being the breadwinner and trying to study AND do the career thing AND be a mother and wife, I wish i could rely on him to get sme qualifications and a proper job sometimes. BUT
he is an amazing dad, I know he loves me and and our daughter so much. I trust him fully and atleast he does get up everyday and go to work so I can't really call him lazy.
Its so hard when someone else is there offering you what you think you want and it is so hard to re focus on what you may already have?
I missed out on my chance of happiness I think, I had someone who made me feel a million dollars and I am positive I could have been happy with him but I let him slip away and now he is marrying someone else.
When I had the chance to leave andbe with this other man I didn't and now I have lost him. If I could do something to make my dh happy and make our marriage survive I would.

bump
please help me stick in here, I am exhausted trying to prop my dh up, anyone else got a partner/dh eith depression?

Why dont you want sex with him?

Sounds like you wish you married the other guy. As he is now marrying someone else just forget about him.

Your DH cant help it if he is depressed. Doesnt the medication seem to be working? Maybe he is truly not happy in his life about something?

Just because you have drive and ambition doesnt mean everyone else does nor should. Shouldnt you love your DH for all the good things, i.e. he is a good dad and works?

((chocolatemummy))

I've suffered with depression mainly because I've been married to a cocaine addict, but that's another story!

You say he loves you and you totally trust him, well in my book that's a pretty priceless quality. You just have to read the posts on here to realise that the trust thing blows alot of relationships apart.

A lack of ambition isn't a terrible thing, many people are scared of setting their hopes too high. If he's depressed ambition could set him up for a fall so why would he risk it?

As for this other guy, he offered you a way out but you decided to stay, in other words you made the best decision you possibly could at the time. Most new relationships make you feel a million dollars but sadly it never lasts does it. Alot of people start to take each other for granted but you are loved and this goes a long way.

Do you ever go out as a couple at all? Perhaps you both could do with reminding why you're together in the first place.

true......on everything you said.
answers;
I am trying to forget about the other guy now, I finished it with him afterall

I know dh can't help being depressed ut I just don't know what to do anymore to support him, its so depressing being with him sometimes he never wants to do anything
and I end up going out on my own or with friends. He had a terrible relationship before we met and his ex has never left him/us alone for the last 6-7 years

I don't want to have sex with him because he never does anything to make me feel sexy or romantic, he never ever takes me out, valentines day, wedding anniversary, birthday.if I didnt organise something nothing would happen.
and sleeping with him is like sleeping with an inexperienced young boy

ouch that sounds awful doesnt it

Sex drive is one of the first things to go when you're depressed I'm afraid.

Depressed people can become rather self obsessed and stop seeing how their moods affect the people around them. This makes it extra important that you take time out and do something you really enjoy to keep yourself buoyant, it's important for DD that you stay happy and on top of things.

If he's still depressed after months of pills I think he needs to go back to his doctor. Go with him, and tell the doctor how you see it and that it's effecting your marriage. He needs to get to the bottom of why he's depressed in the first place.

I found the only thing that ever really lifted my mood was exercise. Is there anything you could do together? Mention to the dr that you've heard it really helps. Perhaps if the doctor tells him to get some exercise he may be more inclined to give it a try x

Yes, exercise is great for depression. I feel SO much better after a workout. I find cutting out caffeine, alcohol, fatty or sugary foods helps too.

I do feel sorry for depressed people in that no one wants to be depressed, it just happens to some people for whatever reasons (I am no expert on depression).

However, as Ruby mentioned, depressed people can be self obsessed selfish gits & its so frustrating for the rest of the family.

He needs to go back to GP and get a higher strength happpy pill or a different pill altogether.

he has to lo to the GP every month to get his prescription, this month they weighted him and he has put on almost 1 and a half stone! they said he needed to exercise.
he drinks (not excessively I know ) but a bottle of wine every other night to himself and eats TONNES of chocolate, like a whole quality street tin in a week to himself.
Its horrible seeing him like this.
I joined us all al the local gym, I went every week, and he went twice in over four months so i cancelled it as it was a waste of money. My dd has agreat life, I make sure of that and I make sure he does thing with her-plays games, reads books, cooks etc and they have a wonderful relationship.

I think you want more from than he is able to give (atm anyway). You want him to be more acedemic and in a more prosperous job/career. (apologies if I am wrong, but I get that impression).

He needs to sort his depression out first before even considering doing anything academic (if he wants to not YOU), or anything else for that matter.

Binge eating and drinking is also a sign of depression. He needs to sort it out- sounds like he has some underlying issues.

well he was at college doing really well when he went on holiday and got some crazy woman pregnant, 9 years ago!
He had to leave college and get a job and has been stuck in this rut ever since.
TBH I don't care what he does I just want him to bring in enough money to help us have a decent lifestyle instead of relying on me to do it. use the brains he has, because he is very intelligent and capable of so much more, instead of wasting away in a depressed binging pit like he has done for the last 5 years.
I absolutely think the world of him but worry that I am 33 and will I spend my life living alongside this depressed man?

You both need some help and talk to someone. Go to the GP (his) and tell him/her how your DP has been the last 5 years.

Shame about the College course - can he not start it up again?

it was years and years ago, I have tried to encourage him as you cn imagine but now I think I need to just leave him. he has to start making decisions for himself and bringing himself out of it. I havent got a magic wand.
I know I am being very negative

I went to his Dr initally with him last year and told them what he was like and thats when they put him on tablets. Think he needs counselling but its getting him to go and the costs, hopefully GP will refer him soon.

chocolatemummy - how can I say this without sounding like I am 100% sticking up for your dP and not you at all. Depression makes a person lack the motivation to do ANYTHING, it also makes the depressed person unable to make decisions for themselves (like you have said about your dp) and in a lot of cases depressed people feel so lethargic they come across as completely bone-idle.

If you love you DP you will do everything in your power to try and help him, i.e go to counselling with him, he needs to change his AD's too as it doen't sound like they are working.

I do sympathise with you too chocolatemummy, it must be very draining on you, especially as he is not willing to do anything about his depression.

Give him an ultimatum - he goes to the GP about his AD's and a referral for counselling or you and your DS walk. Its harsh but hopefully it will give him the kick up the arse he needs.

no your not being harsh at all, oyu have been great, yes Imore than willing to do anything and he knows that, i tell him mall the time. I even offered to sell up and move into a flat and let him go to uni full time if thats what he wanted/needed.
I will suggest a change of AD mayber an counselling, I have booked it for him before but he wouldnt go.
I tried telling him to leave and sort himself out but he just said he had nowhere to go, his family live 200 miles away (hence being alone this weekend as he has gone to see his parents and son)which I had to force to do!

I can imagine you had to really encourage him to go and see his family. Depressed people dont want to bother with anyone at the best of times -it can be a struggle for them.

Good luck chocolatemummy and keep us posted on how you both get on.

thanks for your support, I probably sound selfish but I think the word is more....tired.
I really want 2008 to be a turnaround year for us both.
no doubt I'll be back on here in a few weeks or months, I normally cme on when things are getting on top of me xx

While your DP is away, why dont you book yourself a day at a spa. Have a massage, reflexology, go for a swim...

Make the most of it .

lol , yes I am going away for a week i march with my friend, two girls in a spa hotel...great! I do enjoy myself, and have some great friends but they get fed up with dh I think andI do feel a bit bad sometimes going out and leaving at home all the time but I just have to get on with it.