Please help.

[Pineapple177]

Please be kind in comments.

My boyfriend has had a lot on lately, he's just moved house, he's caught Covid literally on the days leading up and has also been on overtime at work.
I totally understand that he is busy and has a hell of a lot on, but he has been so distant with me and it's really upsetting me.
I asked him for reassurance and he basically shot me down and told me 'don't start that' which made me feel so silly and stupid.
He told me I was being silly and of course he loves me. He does have trouble showing emotions sometimes which is ok because some people do but it made me feel so shit. He told me not to take him being quiet personally, but all I can think about is why is he pushing me away?
There is an important date coming up in his life too an anniversary of a deceased one.
I don't want to be needy, but I want him to reassure me and I want to be there for him but he's just pushing me away more every day.
I'm lucky if he messaged me twice a day.
He also cancelled us meeting up twice and met up with his mate and got stoned instead. I know people will say 'move on' and stuff like that but it doesn't help.
How do I be there for him without pushing him away and how do I explain how I'm feeling without making him feel horrible?
I'm so sad and lost he's my best friend and I'm missing him. I want to help him but I feel like he won't let me.
Please be kind I've got such bad anxiety and nobody to talk too about it.

I'm so sorry OP. I can understand why this is so anxiety-producing for you.

How long have the two of you been dating?

Have you done anything to help yourself with your anxiety? Any counseling?

I'm asking that not to put "blame" on you or to suggest that you just need to chill out, your boyfriend is doing nothing wrong. I think he sounds shit frankly, he dismisses your feelings, treats you with contempt, plus I just have no patience with potheads.

What I'm wondering is why you don't want to move on from him, why you don't feel like you deserve better--because you do.

We have been dating officially for 5 months, but we have been on and off for about 4 years prior kind of like friends with benefits but there's always been a spark between us.

I do take medication for my anxiety and I am about to start counselling I was hospitalised a few weeks ago with it. I know my anxiety is a me problem so I try not to put it on him.

I may deserve better, but I love him with all my heart and the thought of being with anyone else makes me feel sick.
It confuses me because sometimes he can be so supportive and amazing and other times he says things like this. I'm putting it down to him having a lot to deal with. It doesn't excuse it but I think he has trouble regulating his feelings when overwhelmed.

I just want to help him and be there for him, but I feel pushed out. It just feels so horrible.

Thank you for being kind with your words.

I would be in the 'move on' camp, I'm afraid. He prefers to use drugs than spend time with you, dismisses your feelings unkindly and doesn't seem engaged enough to involve you in whatever he is experiencing/ care how you are feeling.

However, if you wanted to try and have a cards on the table conversation, I would wait until after the bereavement anniversary. Otherwise I feel he will simply dismiss it and turn this into you complaining when he has this on his mind.

He's just not that into you. He's backing away so let him go. You can't force someone to give you the relationship you want.

I just want to help him and be there for him, but I feel pushed out. It just feels so horrible.

Of course it feels horrible, you are putting so much into this relationship and he isn't interested.

What is it you want to help him with? Do you think he wants your help? The way he reacts to you tells you everything you should want to know about him. From what you've said he obviously doesn't care half as much about you as you do about him.

How do I be there for him without pushing him away and how do I explain how I'm feeling without making him feel horrible?

He doesn't care about making you feel horrible, does he? Cancelling on you and getting stoned instead. Who would want a partner like that? I understand he's been in your life for quite a while but he really doesn't seem to be bringing anything positive to it. Your anxiety would be bound to improve if you weren't worrying about how to do all you want to do for this man without annoying him. It can be very difficult to see what a relationship is really like when you're stuck in the middle of it but from the outside this one doesn't look healthy at all.

I know that's not what you want to hear, I'm sorry, but I would much rather you spend time and effort thinking of your own wellbeing and building up your self esteem than continually trying to help this man who doesn't seem to care about you at all.

@Pineapple177

We have been dating officially for 5 months, but we have been on and off for about 4 years prior kind of like friends with benefits but there's always been a spark between us.

I do take medication for my anxiety and I am about to start counselling I was hospitalised a few weeks ago with it. I know my anxiety is a me problem so I try not to put it on him.

I may deserve better, but I love him with all my heart and the thought of being with anyone else makes me feel sick.
It confuses me because sometimes he can be so supportive and amazing and other times he says things like this. I'm putting it down to him having a lot to deal with. It doesn't excuse it but I think he has trouble regulating his feelings when overwhelmed.

I just want to help him and be there for him, but I feel pushed out. It just feels so horrible.

Thank you for being kind with your words.

Sorry Pineapple.

• he's a druggie.
• started of as friends with benefits which is really an excuse for casual sex on his part
• you say you love him with all your heart because of your anxiety and because you can't see him in a detached way

There's not enough here for a relationship to go the distance. You DO deserve better. I've put up with crap from men in the past, no more ever.

You have more chance of getting your anxiety under control without him muddying the waters. Leave him to his drugs and his mates, he is not your friend and there are no benefits.

I would have said it's not surprising at the moment due to all he's got going on. But the weed habit and the relationship history suggests you're wasting your time here. Sorry but you're still a fwb to him.

Sorry OP your anxiety levels must be through the roof right now. I would concentrate on getting yourself better by yourself. Keep getting help and try not to rely on your partner to lower your anxiety. As you can see when they cant be there for you (no one can be there all the time for their partner), your anxiety goes sky high. There is also a huge drug problem here. Drugs plus your anxiety is probably a terrible duo. Drugs will always come first.

This relationship is actually increasing your anxiety
You sound really needy and he is treating you like shit
You really need to move on. I'm really sorry and I'm saying this in the kindest way. He isn't interested in you.

You need to match his energy. You need to also come away and just live life for a few days and if he comes after you then he does. If he doesn't he never was going to and you just have to accept that.