Anyone else live separately in a long-term relationship?

[Nomorepastry]

Been with partner since 2015, so it's not a new relationship by any means. But we still both live at home with grandparents or parents in our late 20s - mid 30s and don't have proper paying jobs (I'm disabled on PIP for mental illness).
This means I'm the one driving back and forth to his when I want to see him as he won't come to mine. It's getting tiresome and he knows this. I've tried to discuss signing up for a council house together but he says he doesn't want to be 'on the system' whatever that means so I guess this is the way it's going to be forever. This also means he doesn't see a point in marriage any time soon until he can afford a place to live, which will be a long wait since he has no money to his name as far as I'm aware.

Can anyone relate even slightly to this situation as I feel so alone. When I go onto social media which is occasionally, I'd see people nearly half our ages moving in together, and it makes me so sad knowing I'll probably never get there with him.

Throw this one back. He’s not interested enough and it sounds like he’s with you for convenience as much as anything else.

You need to ask yourself why you have set your bar so low with this man. Unfortunately you are correct in saying that you will never get there with him. Don’t wait any longer to sign up for a council house. Why are you sitting there waiting for him to do it with you? Phone the council today and get that sorted. Set yourself free. No one new will enter your life unless he is gone.

I should've mentioned that the relationship is otherwise great, the excitement has never died down and we love seeing each other. I just don't think he understands how a relationship functions. I was his first ever relationship. His elderly dad is having a few problems with his health and he's worried about where he'll go as the property will be sold off once he passes away. A week ago I mentioned setting a wedding date to next August and he didn't say no, he said he'd let me know once he's ready. At the beginning we both agreed we wanted to commit to the long term, just slower than usual due to our living situations. The only reason I don't want to sign up to a council house myself is because I heard they place single people in temp accommodation. Where as couples always get priority, but not sure how true that is.

He has other priorities and none of those are you. How is this relationship otherwise great at all?. Why are you valuing your own self so poorly that you accept such crumbs from him?

My partner and I live separately as we both have kids in schools in different areas. It works really well, we are happy.

It sounds like his priorities are with his elderly father, which is understandable. Is he his main carer?

I hope he is on the system - is he actually claiming benefits? It’s an odd thing to say. Does he have mental health issues? He appears very unmotivated. What does he do with his time? I’d not be as available to him - start making your life away from him - it will be a back up to you if you decide to end it with him.

You need to contact the housing dept and get some facts rather than rumours. Temp accommodation is for emergency housing so if you homeless or in a dv situation etc. You have somewhere to live so that will not happen. They do not prioritise couples, they prioritise children. However, as you are adequately housed, despite PIP, you may have a very long wait for housing - obviously this depends on your area.

Is he his father's carer and that's why he doesn't have a 'proper paying' job (or is that no job!?)? It doesn't sound like he's the carer, it sounds like he's more concerned that his cushy rent free existence will end when his dad dies. Why isn't he working and saving up to get accommodation when that happens? Or is that being 'on the system' too?

You seem to be putting all your eggs in one basket of a fantasy future of getting a council home and getting married to him when neither are realistic. This is a man who expects you to always come to him after all and whose actions do not match his words.

I'd suggest keeping the good bits of the relationship for the moment and not being so passive about the rest. Get moving on getting yourself on the housing list. Stop being the one who goes to him - at least get him to meet half way for dates and go home separately. Decide if a penniless, unmotivated, apathetic man is actually what you want long term.

I don't live with my partner, and neither of us have any intention of sharing a home together in the future. It suits us both to have our own space, and I believe living separately it's a huge part of the reason why we can actually spend time together and enjoy each other's company.

This is different to your scenario though, because its what we both want. You seem intent on being married and living together as a priority, while that appears to be something your partner is ambivalent about at best. Neither is right or wrong, you just have different priorities so I think you need to have a talk about why it's important to you and decide whether this is a relationship that is worth continuing with, for both your sakes.

I understand you want to move in with her DP but he doesn't . He lives with his

Whoops posted too early
He lives with his ill dad and he's right if he stays there, it's his dads carernif dad ends up needing carehome, the property might be disregarded as it is your DPs only residence, I can see the logic on his thinking as he's expecting to stay living there.

So if he's not happy for you to move in with him and his dad and you need that, then you are dating the wrong man atm. Ask him if he can see a point where it'll change in the future?

I think your concern for him avoiding living together is masking other issues you are having with him.
You are the one doing all the travel as he refuses, that’s pretty rotten most people who live separately go 50/50 on this, it also seems that at moment he has, rightly prioritised his father but is not looking forward to the future, or if he is it is not with you as he is reluctant to set a date for a wedding.
I have never lived with a long term partner, however once I was keen but the partner lived with his family and basically did not think I was worth the extra effort/money to live with. He moved in with his next girlfriend about four months after I broke up with him due to us being incompatible.