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Original poster

Too pure to be pink?

15 replies

AnyaNikita · 01/02/2022 23:42

I’ve been seeing a guy for a while now. We’re both mid 40’s. We had a fling way back when which didn’t work out and we reconnected recently after many years and for me, marriage and kids. He told me He had always been in love with me and I was his one that got away etc.

We don’t live close and work commitments make things awkward but when we are together we get on really well, have a lot of fun and laugh lots, BUT, there is hardly any sex and it’s starting to bother me.

When we were together before it was any opportunity and I know we were younger etc but I’m getting concerned.

At first he said he wanted to take it slow, didn’t want me to think that’s all he wanted me for, ok great, I don’t. I thought maybe he’s nervous but I know he is very experienced (used to bother me, doesn’t now). I asked outright if there’s a medical issue or he’s just not that into me and he denies both. Certainly seems to love spending time with me but that side just doesn’t seem to happen.

After a few times making it clear I wanted to get physical and it not happening I stopped initiating and backed off so as not to pressure but I’ve been thinking recently and I’m wondering if he has somehow psyched himself out of seeing me that way? Like he’s put me on this pedestal of the one that got away, the perfect wife material and now he is struggling to see me sexually?

Any advice?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 02/02/2022 00:20

Ick.

Tbh that 'one that got away' bollocks would have been a red flag to me. It sounds like bullshit. I wouldn't be surprised if he'd used that line before. Also, if they put you on a pedestal..at some point you'll fall off.

He's never been married right?

My guess would be he is a porn fiend and is hoping you will fall for him so hard that you'll ignore the lack of sex/selfish sex when it starts. Hense the bullshit 'the one that got away' line. Acting like they are super into you can be a trap to get you yo lower your guard.

When you do have sex, is he interested in your pleasure or just his own?

Have you noticed any other red flags? Eg: talking badly about his ex or women 'in general'.

RoseSays · 02/02/2022 00:24

Does sound like he's a porn addict who can only get hard watching porn.
Doesn't mean he doesn't want his little wifey by his side.
But I'd be surprised if you go on to have a fulfilling sex life based on what you told us, and the fact you can't ask him again and again what's going on with him is a massive red-flag to me

Original poster
AnyaNikita · 02/02/2022 00:29

I don’t want to be in a pedestal! Take me down and rip my clothes off! No he’s never married, long term relationships but no marriage or kids. He doesn’t bad mouth his exes at all and readily admits he was at fault in them ending. When it does happen he is very invested in my pleasure, it’s just rarely!

OP posts:
WeeWeeMe · 02/02/2022 00:31

What does "Too pure to be pink" mean?

Original poster
AnyaNikita · 02/02/2022 00:34

I have raised it again and he said he honestly hadn’t realised it was so infrequent. He never rejects me in a mean way or anything and is always very affectionate in a loving way, but it’s still sexual rejection. I don’t think I have a particularly high sex drive but I don’t want to feel like a sex pest.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnyaNikita · 02/02/2022 00:36

@WeeWeeMe I was trying to think of a witty title - like in Grease. Sandy was considered too pure to be pink - too good to be a bad girl like the pink ladies.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 02/02/2022 00:40

In that case op is sounds like you might just need to start instigating more.

That being said, it find it off putting when men never take the initiative. I think it would definitely get frustrating long term.

Realistically, in the bedroom everyone needs to be able take initiative, understand instruction and enjoy themselves. If any is missing for either party, its a recipie for irritation, frustration and eventually contempt.

MMmomDD · 02/02/2022 00:47

When you do have sex - does it all appear to be normal - as much as there is such thing?
How infrequent is it, just to have an idea?

Generally - for a healthy guy in mid 40s, his libido and performance shouldn’t yet be in drastic decline.

And if sex is really rare - something is off.

Is he possibly on anti-depressants? Or other meds that affect libido?

If it doesn’t start improving - as you knew him before when his libido was higher - why not ask directly about what happened?
It is unlikely that it’s a ‘pedestal’ issue.

sassbott · 02/02/2022 07:18

Ok. On average how often do you see one another? Once a week? Once a fortnight? And over a month (averaged out) how often do you have sex?

5128gap · 02/02/2022 10:24

If you have different sex drives now in the early stages, it's highly unlikely to improve with time. You could waste a long time analysing why he's less interested, and even longer jumping through hoops where you try to make him more interested. For what it's worth, even if they put you on a pedestal, they don't tend to think youre too good for sex with THEM. Unless they have real issues. Personally I'd decide whether I could be happy with the amount of sex that is on offer, baring in mind, its only likely to decrease with time; and if not, I'd move along.

Aprilx · 02/02/2022 11:10

@AnyaNikita

I don’t want to be in a pedestal! Take me down and rip my clothes off! No he’s never married, long term relationships but no marriage or kids. He doesn’t bad mouth his exes at all and readily admits he was at fault in them ending. When it does happen he is very invested in my pleasure, it’s just rarely!
I think you are putting yourself on a pedestal believing all this “one that got away” and “always in love with you” nonsense. The fact is it didn’t work before and it won’t work now, because you two are not suited. Sounds like you could be good friends and probably should have left it at that.
ValerieCupcake · 02/02/2022 11:52

@WeeWeeMe

What does "Too pure to be pink" mean?
It's from Grease, you are too nicey nicey (Like Sandra Dee) to join the Pink Ladies
Valkyrie40 · 02/02/2022 11:56

Could he have ED and be embarrassed?

And for those poor folks who don't get the reference:

Too pure to be pink?
Gilda152 · 02/02/2022 14:11

As someone who went out with someone I dated in my 20s then again in our 40s, (I had been married by then, he had not , if it's relevant) I had the same. I think the answer may be quite simply, you are expecting the sex of your 20's but he's in his 40's....where bluntly they can't always get it up the same so it becomes infrequent. Nostalgia takes you so far but if it's not really happening for you now, it probably won't going forward. I did 4 years and in the end it was the lack of sex that killed it. I too felt like a pest for wanting it. He was great at oral mind you, because that was 'easier' than sustaining a good erection. It has nothing to do with a pedestal and the one that got away and everything to do with getting older. I am remarried (to someone 6 years younger) and 7 years in the sex is still going great...don't settle.

TheFoundation · 02/02/2022 14:17

What's up with telling him you want a relationship with x amount of sex, and asking him if he's up for that?

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