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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can someone help me understand my thinking.

22 replies

Donut22 · 01/02/2022 19:55

Been broke up from ex nearly 3 years we have 2 children together, we was together 4 6years. Broke up cos he was a drinker he was awful to me and I do know this. Thur out our relationship there was always this one "friend" of his, found texts etc no solid proof,they did mess around before me.
Anyway when we broke up long and behold friend turns into girlfriend falls pregnant they fall out she blocks him. He doesn't see his newborn with "Ffriend". They are now back together playing happy family's he hasn't drunk in nearly 2 years and financially stable which he never was with me.
I've not spoke to him thur out,unless it's to do with kids, i do not want him back ever so why an earth is this whole situation taking up to much of my thinking space.it was only last week he was speaking to me about trying again and now they are together....
I don't know why I haven't moved on fully or why he takes up so much room in my head. I don't love or want him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Donut22 · 01/02/2022 20:28

Anyone

OP posts:

Theimpossiblegirl · 01/02/2022 20:32

It looks like he's being a better person with her and you miss the idea of him. The reality was different and would be again. I doubt she is really happy.

I hope he's supporting his kids, you need to make sure of that. Then focus on yourself a bit, when you're ready to look for another relationship, remind yourself that you deserve better.

Original poster

Donut22 · 01/02/2022 20:39

Why am I not ready for a new relationship tho its been 3 years and I couldn't think of anything worse!
I know all this it's all fake and probably won't end well but why am I bothered I don't want to me and yet here I am.
He sees the kids Sundays that's if they go or he doesn't have a better option.

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Theimpossiblegirl · 01/02/2022 20:49

I wonder if he's enjoying leaving you dangling. You would be best off having a formal arrangement for the kids and cutting all other contact. It's not worth the headspace and he'll only hurt you again if you let him.

Original poster

Donut22 · 01/02/2022 20:57

Don't think he has me dangling that's the thing, he has no idea I'm bothered has I don't speak to him much at all. I'm very stubborn and I would never let him know how I was feeling, I just don't get why i am sitting here thinking about him, he's a disney dad, the most selfish bloke ever.

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AsMyGranWouldSay · 01/02/2022 21:07

Could it be because that when things were good at the start they got you hooked on him?
Was this your first big relationship?

DatingDinosaur · 01/02/2022 21:23

Do you feel like he’s moved on with his life and you haven’t?

Something I’ve learned is, the more time you have on your hands, the more time you have to dwell on things. And let’s face it, we rarely sit and dwell on the good stuff do we?

Time to start reconnecting with friends and family, finding a new hobby, learn something new, make time to enjoy the things that YOU want to do. Then you can fill your head with that stuff instead.

MrsIglesias · 01/02/2022 21:30

So many men that I now realise are mediocre and not right for me have occupied my head. Not sure why. I think it's normal. Doesn't last forever.

RedCandyApple · 01/02/2022 21:33

I think what pp said is true, it may be because you haven’t moved on? I feel the same about my ex and I often think about him but I don’t want him back and I don’t even like him but I’ve been single for 5 years so I think that’s why as mentally I’ve moved on but not physically

Original poster

Donut22 · 01/02/2022 21:34

@DatingDinosaur

Do you feel like he’s moved on with his life and you haven’t?

Something I’ve learned is, the more time you have on your hands, the more time you have to dwell on things. And let’s face it, we rarely sit and dwell on the good stuff do we?

Time to start reconnecting with friends and family, finding a new hobby, learn something new, make time to enjoy the things that YOU want to do. Then you can fill your head with that stuff instead.

Yes kinda! He's seemly turned his life around, I tried for 6yrs to help him stop drinking work better etc. I leave him and he's (on paper) stop drinking working hard. I'm Still me looking after the kids work etc. I am busy most of the time even then it consumes my thinking!

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Mumwithapub · 01/02/2022 21:36

Part of you could be grieving the future you thought you had once upon a time ago. Invest in you, something that will make you feel good about yourself a short college course, dance lessons anything you may have wanted to have a go at but never got round to. Good luck

tkwal · 01/02/2022 21:37

You want the "now" him and are feeling resentful that you got the old one ...he's the one you can't stand. It might help if you remember that heavy drinkers often relapse under the smallest of pressures and that your leopard more than likely hasn't changed his spots, just used them as camouflage for a while. Be strong

TheFoundation · 01/02/2022 21:39

What do you actively do to fill your thinking space/time with other things, OP?

You haven't made a post yet that isn't mostly about him. You are choosing that. You have to choose not to obsess about him, and it might be that the only way is to crowd out the thoughts with thoughts of other things.

hivemindneeded · 01/02/2022 21:42

You're upset because he bothered to turn his life around for his new woman and family but not for you. You're left wondering why that is. It's understandable. But I'd bet money on him relapsing.

If you are wondering why you're stuck on him, you're already not so stuck on him! Time to start dating other men.

Original poster

Donut22 · 01/02/2022 21:43

But I don't want him! Old or New 🤣 honestly! This is why I am so confused. I wouldn't say I even loved him that much when together we was so toxic together, i used to say he was like smoking its awful for you but so hard to stop.

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RedCandyApple · 01/02/2022 21:47

So it might just be that you don’t like that he’s met someone and you haven’t?

Original poster

Donut22 · 01/02/2022 21:47

@hivemindneeded

You're upset because he bothered to turn his life around for his new woman and family but not for you. You're left wondering why that is. It's understandable. But I'd bet money on him relapsing.

If you are wondering why you're stuck on him, you're already not so stuck on him! Time to start dating other men.

He didn't turn his life round for her, he was drinking everyday while with her, then they broke up, he fell ill and was told his drinking is effecting his liver. He stopped for himself that's the only person he would stop for.

Maybe it's cos I don't feel I can date?? He has them very on/off on a Sunday no other childcare so how am I spose to date 😔my life sounds a mess

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UserBot9to5 · 01/02/2022 21:54

I get why you're upset and confused! Because he APPEARS (the operative word, he won't keep it up for long) to consider somebody else worth trying to be a better person for

But all it is is 'trying'. It's not the real him.

Right now he's trying because he's got more break ups behind him now than he did when he split up with you. So he is only suiting himself for now because it suits him.
Before tooooooo long I predict he'll revert to form because happy people who are emotionally intelligent don't treat the mother of their children like crap.
And emotionally unhealthy people who project all of their dysfunction on to somebody else don't heal overnight either.
So, what she's getting now may seem like a better man but it's just a performance to meet an end that suits him right now.

But, I bet you anything he won't be able to maintain it for very long. You're the one who's well off out of it.

Be grateful it's over. ONE DAY when you feel better about everything and it all hurts less, you'll trust yourself again, and you'll know that anybody who makes you feel bad can take a walk.

You're wise to steer clear of relationships until you trust YOURSELF to hold your boundaries well. This is why you'll be ok.

DatingDinosaur · 01/02/2022 22:55

The only person he SHOULD stop drinking for is HIMSELF! He had a wake up call and that was his incentive. I do agree though, he’ll relapse when the going gets tough.

But, enough about him. Back to you... Could your addiction to him be boredom? I know you say your LIFE is busy but is it busy with routine stuff – keeping house, kids, job? Like giving up smoking, the best way to get through each craving thought is distraction and a bit of willpower. Is there anything new you want to learn – a hobby/craft/sport or something towards a career?

For a bit of a giggle … When I was having a fixation / fairly obsessive crush / limerance on a guy where I ended up pissing myself off with my all consuming thoughts about him (and he was a bit of a weirdo and I don’t really know what I liked about him), I ended up telling myself I could think about him for an hour a day at 5pm (when I was driving home from work, lol). The rest of the time, as soon as he popped into my head (often) I literally told the thought to fuck off, wanker and made a conscious effort to distract myself / think about something else. As you can imagine, I was saying fuck off, wanker quite a lot at first and I started to force myself to find the most mundane things utterly fascinating (washing the pots, really concentrating on that telly programme, the work I was actually supposed to be doing, re-reading that paragraph for the 10th time in the book I was reading, and so on). Then when “thinking” time started, I kept dragging my thoughts BACK to him (you will bloody well think about him until you’re sick of it, sort of thing). Turns out I got quite annoyed with having to do that and it got a bit boring after a while, so I cut the “thinking” time down to 30 minutes, then 15, then 10 then just a fleeting thought passing through my brain. It took a few months and a lot of perseverance, but it worked.

The mind is a funny old thing.

5128gap · 02/02/2022 13:13

You were together 6 years and have 2 DC with him and he put you through some very strong emotions. Of course you can't just wipe him from your mind. When a man has issues, drink, drugs, chaotic life, we often think that if they just loved us enough, or we could just do the magic thing, we'd fix them. This didn't happen for you, but now on the surface it looks like someone else has succeeded where you failed, and has got the life you could have had. Its all nonsense though, which you know rationally, but the mind plays tricks on us. It's also really rubbish to see someone who made you unhappy being happy themselves and making someone else happy. It just feels unfair. The advice PP have given about finding a distraction is good. Your feelings will fade in time if you don't feed them.

Onthefloor2 · 02/02/2022 13:16

Because you THINK his becoming the man you always wanted.

Not drinking, financially secure.

It’s all bollocks, blokes like that don’t change, give it a bit more time and they will be back at square one. Your romanticing what could be, that’s all, you know in reality it will never happen though.

Original poster

Donut22 · 02/02/2022 16:43

Thank you all for your replys all very helpful,
My life is busy but has someone asked not with anything exciting just work kids running a home etc
So I guess it could be boredom, I'm still in the same place has we was when I finished it where has he's done all these big changes goes out on dates etc etc.
I'm stuck in mum mode with nothing else really bad to worry about in life. Defo need a new distraction! What that is u don't know.

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