The end of a long emotionally damaging relationship

[Kooksadooks]

I have been with DP since 2014. I was very young when we met (20) he was 40, judge me if you want. I had a difficult childhood and was desperate to move away from my mum and dad and have some independence. So after a few months I moved 300 miles to live with DP. Things were great for a while. We enjoyed each others company. I thought I was in love. I got pregnant about a year in. I had DC and that is where things started getting tough.
DP has never really enjoyed going out. He is a self described home body. When I had DC I enjoyed going to parks, cafes, anywhere really I liked to be outside and making memories with DC. DP preferred to stay home and play video games or watch films. I remember when me and DC went to swimming classes I would feel sad watching all the other partners come and watch and help and enjoy seeing their DCs swim. He now says he was ‘going through something’ which is why he was so reclusive but he is much the same now.
He quit his job and was unemployed for a while. We struggled financially with a baby and I found this time really tough. We eventually moved back to be close to my mum and dad. They let us live in their old house for free.
I grew resentment at staying inside / not enjoying family life in the way I see others doing.
I started university and focused on that.
He didn’t like it when I went out with friends. I’m not perfect. I have contributed towards his trust issues towards me.
He is also snappy and short tempered. He expresses his frustrations by raising his voice / shouting.
In 2020 I literally felt like ripping my hair. I felt unappreciated, unseen, frustrated at being stuck outside, frustrated at doing things alone with DC outside. I broke up with him and lent him £1,000 to enable him to move out.
I felt really really guilty (I still do) he has not made any friends since we moved and his family is 300 miles away and he hates his flat and his neighbours. I also missed him. I have attachment issues. My son missed him. Somehow we slid back into some sort of relationship. He was really desperate to move back in but something in my gut just sank every time I thought of him moving back in.
I’ve slagged him off a lot but again I am not perfect myself. I am such a lightweight and get silly drunk. Though I am not an aggressive drunk, I am just goofy and loud. I’ve stopped drinking for now. I can be emotional and sensitive though over the years I’ve learnt to internalise my emotions as DP would get angry and defensive if I shared those with him. I am fussy. I work a lot in my graduate job.
Today he said he wants a break for me. I don’t know what I think or how I feel.

If you managed to read all that thank you and I’d love some thoughts or tips on moving on.

I think you have done amazing getting through uni and your job while being a mum as well. You have your whole life ahead and everything to look forward to. Please focus on building your life, however you want that to be and your son. He deserves a happy mum. Be kind to yourself, do things that make you happy and look after yourself.

You are not responsible for your DP. Yes he is the father of your child but he doesn't really contribute as a dad, ever. You seem to be incompatible and that's not always about age, at the very least you have too few things in common to enjoy a relationship together. Always, always trust your gut. You knew it was never going to work the second time around either. He has to look after himself. Gradually you will finally disconnect from him emotionally too. You could try counselling but do make sure you have a good network of friends as well.

Thank you Crumbs22. I appreciate your comment very much

Sending you a big hug. I'm a year Into a relationship with an older man by 15 years. Yesterday was my wake up call.
He is 48 and I'm 33. He has always had me confused. Lonely. Insecure. On egg shells. He's slowly stripped away my confidence. He's like your chap. Always at home. He used to go out alot with his last girlfriend. But then he got depressed and hurt his back bug style. They split up due to his drinking. I got him as a newly sober man rebuilding his life. But he's actually just taken me for granted the whole time.

I understand how powerful the emotions are. I've lost count of the times I've felt like my relationship doesn't feel real. I've got 2 young children already and I feel like my goals are not matching his.

I only did this last night. Yesterday he got mad at me and said he'd throw me out the door if I wasn't gone when he got back. I got home and thought really hard about the times he's said things to me that don't add up. I've cried alot in the last 12 hours. I was sat thinking I love him and care for him. I realised that's where I fail everytime. I need to accept I don't need to not love him to walk away. I can still love him and still care. Still want him to be happy. But I still don't have to be with someone not providing me with what I need.

When I met him I honestly thought we'd be great. I was visualising a masculine wise older man who'd have his life in order. He'd know how to graft and sort out a garden and care for us. But it turns out he was skint. Earned loads of money but wasted it all. No savings. No real goals.

Like you I want someone to share my kids with. Days out. Family time. Fun. That's how it should be.

Like me. You are still so young. We can't loose our 20s and 30s to men approaching 50 or 60 who stuck the life out of us. So if you need to talk things through I'm here
X

Look up trauma bonding op - you are doing really well. It is attachments issues and feeling an over developed sense of responsibility for others. You could look up Adult children of alcoholics AND dysfunctional families - given your childhood was not healthy.
You are resilient. Keep the focus on yourself and your child - that’s not selfish- it’s healthy.

Many men who go for much younger women do so because of a sense of inadequacy and insecurity. I know it doesn't make sense particularly but they know that an older woman whose life is already established or going to have their own thoughts, ideas, life, career, friends...

They want someone who they believe is easily malleable and controllable. Someone who will look up to them and bow to their authority.

This can work for a while until the younger woman matures and develops her own life, career, interests outside of the home amd begins to question why he is behaving in this way.

A lot of young women who go out with much older men are looking for stability, security and someone to take the reins in an adult life that they don't feel fully equipped to deal with - especially if their own upbringing wasn't stable.

But after a while, it feels like a cage.

I know several unhappy single-ended in their 50s who are angry than women in their 20s won't date them. Not a specific woman in her 20s who they feel a connection with, or get know well with. Just any and all women in their 20s.

I unknowingly dated one such man. I was 8 years younger than him. Not only did he tell people I was younger than I was, he was quite clear that, at his age (54) he didn't expect a woman to challenge him (express a different opinion know anything or to have knowledge jn an area he didn't). He told me women in their 20s are 'easier to deal.with'.

It is perfectly normal in a relationship to have your own friends and go out with them!

Well done on going to university.

I'm 47 and finding a man around my own age who isn't an 'old man' has proved to he tough. Go out and either find someone your own age or enjoy your life with your child/ren.

I can be emotional and sensitive though over the years I’ve learnt to internalise my emotions as DP would get angry and defensive if I shared those with him

This is not your fault.

These end aren't interested because young women inconvenience them by having an inner world that doesn't directly benefit them.

You are supposed to be an empty vessel for him to fill with his thoughts and ideas. Your concerns are supposed to not extend beyond keeping him happy. A pretty thing for him to look at amd show off without having to actually care about. Your feelings are bothersome to him.

I am such a lightweight and get silly drunk. Though I am not an aggressive drunk, I am just goofy and loud

Yeah? You're allowed to be. And not because you are 'young' but because you allowed to be whoever you are without some miserable old man sapping the joy out of your life.

For clarity, my boyfriend is 12 years older than me. The age difference really bothered him initially - would we have enough in common, would the conversation lag, would our cultural points of reference be similar enough, would I end up being his carer at some point?

Has this man any concerns of this nature about you? Has he ever considered the impact of the age difference on you?

Please stop blaming yourself for this man's awful behaviour...

He choses to be insecure and short-tempered, it is nothing to do with your behaviour.

He is a grown man yet unable to support himself financially and seems to make your life generally miserable and trying to isolate you by criticising you for going out with your friends.

Often older men will target a much younger woman because they hope she will be easier to control and manipulate, having less experience of relationships.

Trust your instincts, you know this man is wasting your time and life. Dump him for good and don't look back.

Focus on yourself and your kids and let him take responsibility for his life, including financially.

Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate each one.
I’ve been crying randomly throughout the day and I’ve spoken to the GP to increase my medication dose so here’s to hoping better days are coming.
XDP/DP messaged me to say he’s thought about it and he wants to give it a go. I’m currently ignoring him because I’m not sure how to even feel or respond. I feel ‘frozen’ mentally and I am trying to keep my focus on work and DC today. I’m not sure how to deal other than ignore and then he tries to call and messages saying if I think letting him stew is a good idea it’s not.

@Tears11 also sending you hugs and I am so sorry to hear of your situation. How are things today? stay strong x

He messaged to say his head hurt, had a woman from a fling years ago message him.last night and he needed milk. Same old circle with him. Only talking because he wants something. How are you today?