Almost sexless relationship

[maplegrove]

Hi, I am at my wits end about this now and I would really appreciate some advice.

For background, me and DP have been together for 4 years, lived together for 3 years. We’re both mid-20s. For the past year we have had sex only a handful of times. Since October last year we’ve only had sex twice. I always initiate but the constant rejection really gets me down and I have started to just not try anymore as it’s less upsetting.

I have tried to talk about it with him, but he just skirts round the subject, gets upset and doesn’t really explain why he’s not interested.

It’s making me feel awful, ugly, unwanted and insecure. I know I am to blame as well as there were signs early on and I ignored them, like he’s always been particular about what times of day we had sex, it’s never really been spontaneous and it definitely hasn’t been every day even at the beginning.

I don’t know what to do. We’ve just bought a house together, I live far from any family and close friends. I dread to think of the rest of my life being this way, so I should just leave but I have invested a lot and it seems stupid to give up an otherwise great relationship. Please help! Thanks

You need to talk to him about it. Perhaps he has Ed? He may he embarrassed to discuss any issues. It may be something that he can address by visiting the gp. I know how you feel. My ex is an alcoholic and a porn addict. He could not get an erection and we didn't have sex for getting on for 5 years! It's very soul destroying. You think it's your fault and perhaps they don't fancy you any more. Lots of things go round your mind. If this is something that he's unwilling to work on etc then going the rest of your life without sex is not a good prospect.

She has already talked to him about this without result

Op - cut your losses now and do not get hung up on your sunk costs. You’re falling into the sunken costs fallacy trap with all this talk about investing in this relationship. A bad investment here is not going to suddenly come good.

You are an adult with agency and you can and should make better choices for yourself.
Sell the house and go your separate ways before and residual love you have for this man turns to hate. He in any case does not care enough and you should never settle here for this.

Been there, done that and I'm afraid you're going to have to give up an otherwise great relationship. It won't get any better. I'm 17 years ahead of you now and left my marriage 3 years ago. I resent that I gave up my youth and hottest years to a fuckwit and I resent every other person in a normal relationship. I've needed therapy. For context, our sex life was OK but hardly sparkling before we got married, then from my wedding night to actually having sex again took 3 months, then we only had sex to conceive and once I was pregnant with my second child that was it until I left when said child was 8. I convinced myself I could cope but its damaged me beyond repair.

Fast forward 3 years from leaving, and the woman he moved in with after 4 weeks is now complaining that she doesn't get enough and he changed completely after 6 months but again she's stuck with a house and possessions that are half his.

Don't be me and her..........

It’s making me feel awful, ugly, unwanted and insecure

Take responsibility for yourself, and stay away from any relationship that makes you feel like this. Blaming yourself for early signs is a bit empty if you are still ignoring current and ongoing signs.

He's not just refusing to talk about sex; he's dismissing your feelings. Does he know how strongly you feel, or have you just said 'We need to talk about sex', he's said 'Er, no..' and you've left it at that?

One thing you could do is tell him that you need to tell him some stuff, and you don't need him to say anything. Explain to him how you feel. Give him time to come up with a response. That way, you can find out if he's just tongue tied, or if he really doesn't care enough about how you feel.

@TheFoundation

It’s making me feel awful, ugly, unwanted and insecure

Take responsibility for yourself, and stay away from any relationship that makes you feel like this. Blaming yourself for early signs is a bit empty if you are still ignoring current and ongoing signs.

He's not just refusing to talk about sex; he's dismissing your feelings. Does he know how strongly you feel, or have you just said 'We need to talk about sex', he's said 'Er, no..' and you've left it at that?

One thing you could do is tell him that you need to tell him some stuff, and you don't need him to say anything. Explain to him how you feel. Give him time to come up with a response. That way, you can find out if he's just tongue tied, or if he really doesn't care enough about how you feel.

I think I needed to hear this so thank you, you’re right.