words not always matching actions

[laptoppppp]

I met my current partner 18 months ago and it was just lovely. He sold his home and moved in with me within six months. We were both madly in love.

i found out around the time he sold his home and was about to move down [lived 500 miles away] that he had lied to me about his age by some 8 years. He begged me to give him a second chance - i agreed to this. I then found out 3/4 months down the line that he used to be married. i found out rather than him telling me. He said he was embarrassed and did not want to talk about it.

He constantly tells me he is in love with me and lent me 10K to help me out with something......In xmas 2020 he asked to marry me. He then said i should choose a ring and send link etc but i never felt comfortable doing that so it lost momentum and never happened. He also used to talk about making me his next of kin etc because he wanted to make sure i would always be ok but that has never happened. The plan was i would sell my property and we would buy somewhere new together but now we are talking about him paying half of my property value and then i can pay off my mortgage but i am no longer sure.

We have argued a few times as it feels to me like he has shut down in terms of talking about his past relationships. I dont even want any details really but i just feel that his lies in the past have led me to question everything. Im not even sure of why i feel anxious anymore - probably that he has bullshitted me and never really explained why that is in a way that i understand. I feel like i will now keep picking at this scab until it finishes. I have tried to explain things and he says he will try but nothing changes.

he says he wants to grow old with me [well he is already 58 and me 49] and wants to go all in. There are red flags but then he did sell his home and leave everything familiar to him to come and live with me and start a new life. He is also now saying he will pay off my mortgage and we can look for somewhere bigger when the market is better etc

not sure if i am sabotaging something good or not.....

Honestly that all sounds like way too much way too fast. Plus he lied to you twice with no compunction and the being married in particular is a big one, age wouldn't bother me so much as that can just be vanity but hmmm......I'd be asking him to move out and find somewhere of his own and see if things are worth pursuing then, but I certainly wouldn't be having any more financial dealings right now, feels dicey.

Oh no. No no no no no.

There are red flags but then he did sell his home and leave everything familiar to him to come and live with me and start a new life.
Take note of the 1st part of that sentence and absolutely no responsibility for the 2nd part.

@Pashazade cheers for response. Yes i am inclined to agree re holding off on financial transactions for a while until i have a better feeling about him. He simply says he loves me and none of his exes mean anything. He was married and divorced over ten years ago and has since had a number of shorter term relationships with much younger women [mostly around 20 years younger than him from what i can see]. He is successful in his field and attractive but i still found that a bit ikkkkkk.

Many of my insecurities have been triggered by his lies and the fact he no longer will discuss his past relationships with me. I am a grown woman with a past of my own and i know it doesnt really matter but the fact he is so closed to being open with me, winds me up enormously. I wish i had the ability to step back from it all mentally but as we live together i find it difficult. The reality is, if he moved away, it would finish. i wish i could find some resolution with this. Maybe i just need to let it all go and observe him for a few months and see if the actions start matching the words without any prompt from me/

Please, please trust your instincts. Whatever he is promising to do, no matter how 'good' should never compensate for his lies and inability to be open with you about his past or make you feel unsure about him. I would hate to think about anything else that you might find. I don't think I could ever trust this man. It takes time for people to show their true colours and this is it for him. I don't think he will ever be able to give you any explanation or talk to you in the way you want - he'll just try to distract you with more offers and promises. I would end the relationship.

So the age thing is definitely vanity....ewww. Honestly I'm assuming lockdown played a part in things snowballing quite so quick but you are perfectly within your rights to ask him to move out. Also I'm concerned that you reckon things would fizzle if he moved away, this kinda suggests there isn't that much going for the relationship really...sorry...Also as pp said you don't owe him anything for his decision to sell up and move in with you, plus I'd be concerned about his sudden change in dating strategy, if as you say he was previously going for much younger girls. Does he just want his feet under the table with someone financially stable. Is he actually contributing anything to living costs?

Someone willing to give up their whole life and move 500 miles away to be with someone they barely know is a huge red flag.

My friend at work was in a similar situation although he only moved 200 miles to be with her, she thought it was great that he would do this for her but it was doomed from the start.
He is an alcoholic, he verbal, physically, emotionally and mentally abused her for years but he did love her so it was ok. She escaped last year but only because he 'accidentally' threw her down the stairs.

Be very wary, don't let him buy into your property. I'd review in amonth or two and see whether you should be in a relationship together or whether he is just using you out of convenience.

not sure if i am sabotaging something good or not

How would you define 'good'? You don't trust him. He lies.

Have you discussed his lies with family or close friends? I often think that keeping silent about a partner's behaviour with those closest to you, is a sign that you know it's not right and you have some misplaced embarrassment which stops you seeking advice.

He definitely sold a house and has the cash yes?
Not the lease ended and he needed somewhere to live ?

Apparently people can hold up a facade of some type in a relationship for 2 years max. What you are seeing is the erosion of that and the true man. Telling big lies is a huge red flag as is giving up a whole life. Suggests someone who likes to run away from things and gets high from the romance and newness of something fresh.
Don’t emesh yourself financially with this man.
Also do you know 100% that everything else is true? Do you have actual proof that he owned the home he left and sold it? That he is in a successful job?
I only ask because there is something in your story that smacks of one of these Walter Mitty types that v intelligent successful women find out down the line has created a whole web of lies. They move very fast these guys and can be very compelling. Might be nothing that extreme but he is not a truthful man.

@Guiltypleasures001

He definitely sold a house and has the cash yes? Not the lease ended and he needed somewhere to live ?

Snap

guilty pleasures I'd be wary of that as well*. Have you seen any proof of the sale, or his bank balance, OP?

thanks so much for your replies.

re the house, i was involved in elements of the sale [estate agent etc], i have seen the transactions and so, yes he does have the cash. He pays half of everything here other than my mortgage - he pays nearly half but that was my decision as it is my asset. He is well known in his field and well respected but the young women thing is still an ego thing i think. He has told me that ultimately he had a series of relationships that were ultimately unsatisfactory. I just came out of a long term relationship which had broken down year before. I wish i had of taken more time to live by myself. i had really started loving it again but his flat sold so quickly that everything gained momentum without me properly considering how i felt.

we do have depth and lovely things but this 'trust' and 'shutting down when asked about old girlfriends' thing has been there for a while now.

his vanity and fragile ego are probably something that i wont be able to change so i either find a way of pussy footing around that stuff or finish it. Bugger, i wish i didnt love him!!!

Glad all is kosher regarding the flat and money. That’s good.

Way too fast, you didn't even know him properly after such a short time. You need to take a huge step back.

So he told you he was in his 40's when you met ? But he's nearer 60. That's a whopper of a lie.

Normally I can see both sides of most things but this actually scares me. That you're financially interwined after 6 months , that you're in debt to him for 10k ...it's just red flags all over town

@laptoppppp

his vanity and fragile ego are probably something that i wont be able to change so i either find a way of pussy footing around that stuff or finish it. Bugger, i wish i didnt love him!!!

Vanity and fragile ego are absolutely huge red flags. I am sorry to say, the person you love is a facade: he lied and lies and his true colours are now showing and he is trying to distract you with more 'acts of love'. Typically everyone else ie colleagues, friends and neighbours all think he's wonderful and respect him because this is what he wants and carefully maintains. YOU are only now seeing the real him.

there is nothing you lovely ladies have posted that i am wildly disagreeing with. I am just airing things and finding this helpful so thank you all.

he told me he was 50 when he was in fact 57. i discussed the age thing with friends at the time as it was such a whopping stupid lie...i had my suspicions but when i saw the proof i was so upset. He had sold his house and had no where to go and begged me to make a go of it. i agreed as i had fallen in love with him. When i found out he had been married i was once again floored. He had discussed the relationship in loose terms so i knew he had been with her for some years and brought a house but then to leave that bit out was so stupid of him.

I should have binned him then and seen how i felt with some separation and time. Shoulda, woulda, coulda but i didnt. I am a naturally cautious person but this is the one time i let go and went with my heart. He is not a bad man but has issues and im not sure how much more i want to see.......

thank you again for reading and commenting.

he told me he was 50 when he was in fact 57. i discussed the age thing with friends at the time as it was such a whopping stupid lie...i had my suspicions but when i saw the proof i was so upset. He had sold his house and had no where to go and begged me to make a go of it.

A liar and a manipulator.

It's good to hear you're coming to your senses, I know it's hard when someone like that is around you.

You start to question if you're mean or not being kind etc when it's perfectly reasonable to feel unsettled and unhappy with the idea of being in a relationship with someone who lies and manipulates with ease.

Parting ways is the wisest thing you can do.

You don’t love HIM. You love the person he wanted you to believe he is. He used deception from the start to achieve that. Why would he do that? Why would anyone do that? Knowingly deceive someone?

The biggest Red Flag I am picking up on is the potential for financial abuse, not the lies or the bollox he’s spouting about exes.

Why is he so desperate to be financially involved with you? What’s in it for him? So you owe him £10k already. Then add in whatever he pays for half your property value. You will end up being financially beholden to him and I would put money on it (pun not intended) when he’s got all his ducks in a row for HIS master game plan (probably when the money from his house sale runs out), he will take you to the cleaners financially for “all the money you owe him”. By then, you’ll be so indebted to him the only way you’ll be able to pay that back is sell your house, take another loan and not be able to afford anywhere to live. And he’ll end up with either a steady income paid to him by you or a massive lump sum. Is that what happened before with his ex he bought the house with? … just wondering…

Who cares about how he does (or doesn’t) feel about his exes? That’s just words coming out of his mouth – telling you what you want to hear. It means nothing.

And another thing, you’ve been together 18 months? So you met in June 2020. By xmas 2020 he’s proposing to you?

Your Red Flags were/are your instincts picking up on the discrepancies on a subconscious/subliminal level. Listen to them. He’s played you from the beginning – you know this. Please take your rose tinted specs off and extricate yourself from this financial con man / future faker.

OP, please don’t be hard on yourself. You know you moved too fast, you know this guy is wrong for you. The good thing is you are now opening up your thoughts and getting some clarity. Your senses are shouting at you to do something fairly quickly. Enjoy being alone for a while and just careful next time. Take your time with the next one. You’ve learnt a lesson use that lesson wisely.

the financial abuse thing would make sense but he is fairly well off. I know this as i have been in the bank with him - see statements etc. he has just invested 100K with a company he is involved in. Again, i know this is true - i know the company/personnel and have seen the transactions. He left his wife and signed over the property to her so financial gain is not his motivation....

we had the house valued and he has agreed to pay half and this will clear my mortgage so i will be mortgage free but we will be joint owners. I will step back from this with immediate effect and unless he starts opening up and i can make more sense of the person he is, i will have no option but to ask him to leave.

"He had sold his house and had no where to go and begged me to make a go of it."

This is completely at odds with him being financially secure. Why would he be begging you to make a go of living together unless he needed that capital for something and moving in with you was a way of being able to free it up? He could have rented somewhere as a temporary arrangement, but this way solved his cash flow and housing needs in one fell swoop.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. No one falls in over quicker than a man who needs a place to stay.