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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just done a very silly thing!

14 replies

mummyvontummy · 30/12/2007 13:16

I am still head over heels in love with my ex, we split up in October because I moved 200 miles away to go to university as a mature student and it wasn't working (i.e. he wouldn't phone me because he always phoned when dd was just falling asleep/I was on my way to somewhere/I had just got in etc, and I never phoned him because it was always after 10 when I got a spare min and he had gone to bed as he gets up at 5am). So it broke down and I was heartbroken. I invited him to the cinema a few weeks ago when I brought dd up to see her dad, just to test the water, and he said ok, and then we went out for cocktails last night. He asked if I was staying over and so I did. He also invited me to his family new years eve party.
He kept really stressing the fact when we got to his that we were not getting back together, and he didn't want to hurt and upset me, but everything was just how it was when we were together-we made breakfast together this morning, fell asleep the same way as we always did, and then he couldn't get me out of the house fast enough. Have I been an absolute plonker, or could there still be some feelings still there? He's not the kind to just sleep with someone for the sake of it, but he kept realy stressing this not getting back together thing. Do you think the invite to the party still stands? I feel like such an idiot!

OP posts:
TLV · 30/12/2007 13:38

crikey sounds that my dh to some degree, my dh left 2.5mths ago we have a young dd, we've slept together since he left and he told me it didn't change anything and we weren't getting back together, so I will now offer the advice that was given to me DONT make yourself available to him, do you still live 200 miles away?? if so at least you can start getting on with things me well i have to see dd every week

warthog · 30/12/2007 13:46

i'm sorry to say, but i think you have to move on from this guy. he's enjoying the no-strings-attached contact. don't open yourself up to the hurt he no doubt will inflict.

TLV · 30/12/2007 14:35

sorry that should have read i have to see dh every week

Original poster
mummyvontummy · 30/12/2007 15:12

Thank you both-I do still live a long way away so at least that's a good thing-sorry that you have to see your dh every week TLV-that must be so awkward-you will get there, I promise xx

OP posts:
FlllightAttendant · 30/12/2007 15:32

Very difficult to judge. I think you might need to have a talk and both be really honest. I mean you split for a reason, right? So even if there were still feelings there, would it make any difference? Could you get back together?

Original poster
mummyvontummy · 30/12/2007 16:09

The only reason we split was because the distance wasn't working, and it was entirely out of the blue-he just rang one day and said it was over. In two years we never argued once, never grated on each other (or at least he never told me if I grated on him! He he!), always really enjoyed just being together, no matter what it was we had to do it was just good to be doing it together, and it felt the same yesterday, why can't men think exactly the same way as women?

OP posts:
redadmiral · 30/12/2007 16:15

Is he seeing someone else? The 'couldn't get me out of the house fast enough' rings a few bells for me.

Original poster
mummyvontummy · 30/12/2007 19:29

I don't think so-he doesn't seem the type. It was more of a "oh god shouldn't have done that, if I can get her out of the house it didn't happen" kind of thing. Think I just answered my own question there didn't I!

OP posts:
warthog · 30/12/2007 19:30

i don't think you deserve this!

mamazontopofsanta · 30/12/2007 19:35

i think he is telling you quite clearly what he feels.

he still has a fair amount of attraction and possibly feelings for you still but he knows it won't work.

you slept together as two adults who both knew teh score before going to bed.
yes it may have been a nice trip down memory lane but he has told you catagorically that its not going to change anything.

if your not happy with just being friends who occasionally sleep with each other (and lets face why would you, you clearly still have feelings for him) i think its best you distance yourself from him

Original poster
mummyvontummy · 30/12/2007 19:36

I must admit, I'm a lot better at being single than I am at being in a relationship-maybe I should stay on my own for a bit! xx

OP posts:
redadmiral · 30/12/2007 21:11

Well I don't think you've done anything stupid. If you clear off again it will leave him guessing, and if his feelings clarify he can get back in touch with you. By keeping away and out of contact I think you will hold most of the power. My problem can be that I start second guessing that they are desperate to hear from me (Used to, I should say.)

geekymummy · 30/12/2007 21:37

"He kept really stressing the fact when we got to his that we were not getting back together"

Sorry but there you have it...he's being clear about what he wants. What you want and need are totally different so don't settle for less, you'll just set yourself up for being hurt, IMO & IME.

I agree with redadmiral, best to keep your distance for a while

Original poster
mummyvontummy · 30/12/2007 21:46

Thank you you lovelies. Life at home is so busy that I don't mope as much as I do up here-it's just being back in the old places and the old routines that make me miss him. Everyone finds someone eventually! xx

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