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Original poster

Why would she bring used soap to leave at my house?

69 replies

Samiamnot · 01/02/2022 10:42

DM visited recently. She always brings a lot of stuff with her. Always leaves things here like toothbrush, nighty etc so she doesn't need to bring things with her whenever she visits (lives far away so stays 3-4 nights every month or so). That's all fine and she has space in the spare room that is just for her stuff.

She also always brings stuff of hers like little notepads she no longer wants and presents it as a gift for me or my children, along with little things she's bought new like socks. (Although she has now also taken to 'gifting' her old socks to my eldest daughter).

On her most recent visit she brought a used bar of soap from her bathroom and left it in my downstairs toilet, along with the bar of soap I had put there AND the new bar of soap SHE put there just before Christmas. To be clear, this is not the en suite to the guest room that she uses. It is the downstairs toilet, next to the kitchen and living room.

What on earth is behind this behaviour? It's like an animal marking their territory (ie my house) or a squirrel hiding nuts all over a park. I can't imagine that sje does this in anyone else's house that she visits, so something to do with our relationship.

OP posts:
A580Hojas · 01/02/2022 12:48

My Mum is like this. Recently a friend gave her some home made marmalade and asked if she could have the jar back as it was a special one. My Mum doesn't like marmalade so she decanted it into a jar from her recycling (a barely rinsed out beetroot one) covered it with cling film and gave it to me to bring home so that she could return her friend's empty jar. I don't like marmalade either but she made me bring it for my husband. I don't have the energy to argue, it gives her a bit of pleasure and is mildly inconvenient for me.

Original poster
Samiamnot · 01/02/2022 12:50

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Obviously I don't know your mum or the history of your relationship. But my mum was a horrible gift giver - even when I asked her to just stop giving me stuff because we both got upset when I didn't like it, she carried on.

It's not the reason we're NC, but it's indicative of her total lack of respect for anyone's boundaries.

It's left me with such anxiety around gifts that I have refused to accept Xmas, birthday or any other gift for years.

No respect for boundaries strikes a chord. She sees me as an exte sion of her, not as my own person. And my children are the same.

OK, that's opened up my mind about this quite a lot. In her eyes, I am part of her, my house is also hers. I think the soap etc is territory marking.

This also casts light on other things. Whenever she comes (like I said sje stays for a few nights most months) she goes to her favourite supermarket and does a huge shop and lays it all out on my counter, where it stays for the rest of her visit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Samiamnot · 01/02/2022 13:15

@GirlOfTudor

To be fair, you've let her leave stuff at your house so I assume she wouldn't find a bar of soap any different. Perhaps she likes that specific brand of soap and thought it would be handy for when she visits? The handing down of used socks is a bit odd, and bordering on gross, but to note that she gave your 8 year old a game marketed for 6 year olds is a little picky...
A game for a 6 year old given to an 8 month old
OP posts:
Regularsizedrudy · 01/02/2022 13:20

Isn’t this just want mums do? Bin the stuff when she leaves and don’t give it headspace

GentlemanJayFab · 01/02/2022 13:26

Do you love your mum?

My mum used to drive me mad with little quirks. Similar to you. Now she's gone I can't believe it wound me up.

When your mums gone you may just wish she was still here with her quirky ways and her bars of soap.

It doesn't matter. When she leaves throw them in the bin and carry on.

NewBrownMouse · 01/02/2022 13:30

Is it a certain brand of soap indicating it could be as simple as your soap irritating her hands and she had forgotten she had already put some at the sink last time? Or perhaps she has been negatively affected by covid fear, obsessive handwashing?

AndSoFinally · 01/02/2022 13:48

My mum does this. She's a borderline hoarder, which seems fairly common in the war-baby generations.

She can't bear to throw away anything that might be useful so is constantly trying to fob people off with random tat.

Just throw it away, she won't care as long as she doesn't have to do the throwing away herself

Drinkingallthewine · 01/02/2022 13:49

DM's like this. No idea why. I'm blue in the face telling her I don't want her buying me household stuff because a) I have everything I need anyway and b) it's a waste of money for her as a pensioner.

She brings sackfuls of presents for her GC. Again, we've all told her not to for the above reasons. And she'll bring food for us that neither she nor us generally eat despite being told that we have a kitchen bursting with everything we need.

She does tend to get us ALL the thing that one of us may like, with some very strange results!

I get soap too, which then because I'm quite concious of waste, feel I should use rather than dump it, except I hate it, and just when I'm coming to the end of the bottle, she arrives with another massive one!

Part of it is her upbringing. Post-war kid she remembers rationing and poverty so needs stuff. Buying things makes her happy. But the frugality of her childhood means that she can't throw out perfectly serviceable items. So therefore, when her house is overflowing with all the random stuff she buys, she rehomes it at mine because all the others live too far away to dump crap on.

I've gotten firmer, but still get a trickle which now go straight into the charity shop bag in the boot.

Original poster
Samiamnot · 01/02/2022 14:03

Shes mid 60s for those asking. Her mum was a little girl in Germany in ww2 and my DM has definitely inherited some of the tendencies my grandmother would have developed from her upbringing.

I love her, very much. I don't begrudge her this little quirk. I haven't raised it with her as I don't need her to stop. But I would like to understand what drives it.

OP posts:
Lollipop858 · 01/02/2022 14:08

Could it be a form of anxiety/OCD? You can develop these as you get older and some people retain a form of control around things by having exactly the same food items/toiletries wherever they go. My gran was the same with teabags and tablecloths. It’s inconvenient and slightly irritating but not such a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

St0rmTr00per · 01/02/2022 14:14

maybe she forgot she brought some before or assumed you may have used it all. buy a little box, pop all her shit in it and put it in a cupboard. job done.

Lilolily · 01/02/2022 21:23

My mum is the same, always has been, it’s not an age thing. She brings tons of tat with her (which my daughters love!) some she buys and some she just has lying around.

RedFlagsAllOver · 01/02/2022 22:21

@GentlemanJayFab

Do you love your mum?

My mum used to drive me mad with little quirks. Similar to you. Now she's gone I can't believe it wound me up.

When your mums gone you may just wish she was still here with her quirky ways and her bars of soap.

It doesn't matter. When she leaves throw them in the bin and carry on.

Same. I used to get frustrated with my dad. Now he's gone and I feel so bad. Would do anything to see him and his funny ways again.
mrsbyers · 01/02/2022 22:48

She might not like the soap you buy

MaeveDidIt · 01/02/2022 23:50

@Samiamnot
I think you’ve very likely hit the nail on the head in terms of her own mother’s terrible experience of having nothing in the war years and it rubbing off on your DM.
We had exactly the same problem in our family with my grandmother and it all stems from being a refugee and having nothing and starving because of the war. Nothing could ever be wasted and so much tat was given to us because she could never waste or throw anything away.

Geppili · 02/02/2022 00:07

War thrift

Squeezyhug · 02/02/2022 00:14

I would find this quite endearing.
I don’t know why she does it but I think it sounds like it’s done with best intentions and kindness.
Enjoy it as one of your mum’s quirks.

Hairyfriend · 02/02/2022 00:34

On her next visit, I'd just say 'Mum, I've put all the soap you left here last time in the box here for you. Do you have an allergy to my soap? Does the smell bother you? '

I don't understand why you can't ask you own mother why she uses her own soap and leaves it around your home?

My MIL stopped using ALL liquid hand and body soap when the whole microplastic issue became apparent a few years ago. She thought all liquid soap was the issue, rather than the small, scrubbing, plastic beads inside! Even now, years on, she won't use any liquid soap- despite me explaining multiple times that our hand soap is not harmful, contains no plastic beads/scrubs etc.

Blondefancy · 02/02/2022 00:51

Sensitive skin!

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 02/02/2022 09:44

People discuss sensitive skin though, don't they, if they're close?

This isn't really about putting stuff in a box out of the way. That's not what the OP says she wants. She says she wants to understand what's at the root of it, and I think she's been given some food for thought about childhood thrift, how some mothers view their adult children, etc.

@Samiamnot it's interesting that one of your gut feelings was 'territoriality'. It may be be a version of this, of her wanting to belong and to look like she's being helpful, but getting it wrong because other ingrained habits which are about keeping a level of control & mental comfort get in the way of that.

What does the soap represent to her?

Original poster
Samiamnot · 02/02/2022 14:10

OK so we were just chatting and I asked her.

She said the soap she brought most recently had nearly run out and she didn't want it in her bathroom any more. She thought she'd bring it to me as she didn't want to throw it out. The soap she brought just before Xmas was a gift from a friend. She didn't want it so thought she'd leave it at my house.

She said if I don't want them I should take them back to her house. She got very cross and essentially hung up on me.

For those asking why I didn't just ask her, I'd ask you to remember that not all mothers are like yours. Some mothers difficult and obstructive. Some mothers are neurotic and messed up or worse. My mother loves me and I love her but that has never been enough to make our relationship easy.

OP posts:
Philly1234 · 02/02/2022 14:43

Hmmm my guess is that it stems from not wanting to waste things. I also wonder if there is a deeper, emotional explanation for this behaviour, similar to people that hoard for example…?? Obviously your mother isn’t hoarding, but she clearly doesn’t find it easy just to bin unwanted items…

SockFluffInTheBath · 02/02/2022 15:02

Useful update OP, so you’re essentially a bin that’s not a bin Grin so she gets rid of stuff she doesn’t want without actually throwing it away and being wasteful. My own mum tries to offload half empty bottles of milk and juice on us, as well as open food packets.

IncompleteSenten · 02/02/2022 15:43

When she finishes her Mardy fit you should ask her why she thinks you want something in your house she didn't want in hers.

Original poster
Samiamnot · 02/02/2022 16:28

@IncompleteSenten

When she finishes her Mardy fit you should ask her why she thinks you want something in your house she didn't want in hers.
Yes quite. I essentially said this to her and it's why she got off the phone so quickly
OP posts:
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