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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband said he doesn’t love me anymore….

22 replies

GenuineLolz · 01/02/2022 10:13

Looking for advice.
Husband has been distant for a number of weeks. I approached him on this and he said that he is leaving.
He packed his bags and went to stay with his Dad. He’s told his Dad he is unhappy and no longer loves me.
A week later he wants to come back - he has said he was just unhappy and felt unappreciated.
I don’t think I can get past the idea of him saying he didn’t love me but he said this is was a throwaway comment.
He has always had difficulties with his emotions and is quite impulsive. His Dad thinks he is depressed.
I’ve never had this before and don’t know what to do.
Anyone with a similar story to share please?

OP posts:

Theeyeballsinthesky · 01/02/2022 11:58

I’m sorry OP, did he tell you he didn’t love you or is that what he told his dad?

Original poster

GenuineLolz · 01/02/2022 12:02

He told his Dad.
Not something I wanted to hear but his Dad was helping me look for reasons so I understand why he told me.
I originally thought OW but his Dad has said he hasn’t left the house.
I don’t know what to think.

OP posts:

Eaternotbaker · 01/02/2022 12:15

Hi OP, just to say I am sorry you are going through this. Obviously I don’t know the relationship that you usually have with your husband but the sudden emotional distance and need to move away from you made me think affair and other woman. I know his dad is saying that he didn’t leave the house during his stay but he could have been texting someone or communicating in other ways to make a plan. I hate saying that as he could well be depressed and in crisis. Maybe do a bit of digging. just as he insisted on space for a bit, you too can say that you are mulling things over and reflecting on his ‘throw away’ comment about not loving you.
I have recently been through a similar thing and the distance that I felt was very real and caused by my husbands affair with someone he met through work. That is not to say that all of these situations are that but I think it helps to have your wits about you. Best of luck x

layladomino · 01/02/2022 12:18

I don't think I'd want him to come back until this was resolved. Saying you don't love someone is not a throwaway comment. It's a very serious thing to say and he needs to properly explain how he was feeling, and why, when he said it.

If he is depressed then he has a responsibility to seek help. It isn't acceptable to ignore the problem and lash out / punish you instead.

Whether or not he's depressed, he needs to get help to stop him acting in such a rash, cruel way.

He has to convince you - genuinely, over time and sustained - that he loves you. And I wouldn't make any decisions about your future until he's proved that he loves you, and cares enough to make sure he doesn't strop off like an angry teenager whenever he's unhappy.

MixMatch · 01/02/2022 12:45

Have you been spending enough time as a couple and keeping connected? It's easy to take the other person for granted in a long term relationship. I'd be focusing on how you both can reconnect with each other. He obviously loved you enough to marry you so you both need to prioritise the relationship and get it back on track

Blue4YOU · 01/02/2022 12:50

How long have you been married if I may ask OP?
PPs saying in a long term marriage x,y, z doesn’t pertain if it’s a fairly recent marriage.
Can you communicate well and ask him if he feels depressed (if he does) and what he’s going to do about it?
Saying he’s not in love with you, not even to you yourself and upping and leaving actually shows a great disrespect for you and absolutely no concern about your thoughts or feelings.

Workinghardeveryday · 01/02/2022 12:58

@GenuineLolz
You must have died inside when you heard that, sorry this happened to you.

Have you never had a moment before when you questioned how you felt about him? Of course you have. To me it sounds like he is very unhappy and like he says feels unappreciated etc. He has centred all these feelings on you and then came to that conclusion. When he left he had headspace to work out his feelings and the penny has dropped that it wasn’t about love at all.

He will love you, just his head is a mess and he is very unhappy. Talk to him about what is making him unhappy. Put plans together and change those things. It can be done!

Couple time is very important and I don’t mean sitting watch Netflix every night. Make an effort to be intimate if you want to, brings you closer together

Original poster

GenuineLolz · 01/02/2022 12:59

Together for 15years and married for 10.
He’s not the most emotional of men but he has never been cruel like this. He wouldn’t give me any answers for over a week and now he’s saying he just blew a gasket.
It just doesn’t feel right. I’m not sure if things would ever be the same. I have been an emotional, shocked wreck and he hasn’t been bothered.

OP posts:

Badbaddog · 01/02/2022 13:08

I would tell him how his words and behaviour have made you feel and watch his reaction very closely. Then think about it some more. No rush surely?

tkwal · 01/02/2022 13:31

I would suggest not getting back together until you have given it real consideration. I would also suggest trying to start again, from the very beginning and by that I mean "dating" see if the spark is still there. Both of you need to work at it . I'm concerned that a week with his Dad may have been enough and that he's decided living with you is preferable. This could be the start of a yo-yo relationship..one wrong word from you and he would leave again, over and over. I would find it hard to forgive him for saying he doesn't love you, it must have been gut wrenching for you. In any court it would count as unreasonable behaviour . Just please don't rush in to deciding what to do

FirstTimeMum6666 · 01/02/2022 21:34

So basically he left you for another woman but she didn't actually want to be with him so he's come running back to you. Don't give him another chance because he will drop when he wants again.

supercali77 · 02/02/2022 09:49

Im really sorry i would be thinking another woman. The suddeness of it. The disappearing act. The fact that he doesnt seem to be in anguish over it. If you're depressed and leave the family home would you not be in abject misery and wouldn't it be obvious

litterbird · 02/02/2022 10:03

Sorry OP he has blown a bomb into your marriage. This is not something that can be brushed under the carpet. I would put my big girl pants on and tell him to stay with his dad for now until you an unpick your feelings over this. It may or may not be another woman...sadly the actions he has taken does suggest he has had his head turned, she is not ready to step up and he has run back to you. That being said....he has hurt you. Until you work through those feelings, communicate, resolve and move on this will fester in you like a horrible open wound.

SamphiretheStickerist · 02/02/2022 10:08

Well, he has opened the door for a very honest conversation about feelings.

And you really should tell him precisely how his actions made you feel. The devastation, the loneliness, the hurt, the uncertainty, the ideas that went through your head, the mix of emotions from fear to hate and back, on to numbness.

And all he felt was what? Harumph? Bovvered?

Then you need to think about WHAT YOU WANT TO HAPPEN.

Not him, any illness he may or may not be suffering from. Depression? Nah! That's no excuse, He could have been far more open with you, he chose not to be.

What do YOU want?

jytdtysrht · 02/02/2022 10:15

It’s typical of an affair and that is the most likely option. It isn’t the only option though, but definitely by far the most likely.

I would at least consider divorcing him anyway (and certainly if you have no kids). What he has done is so disrespectful. He expects to dump all this shit on you, say hurtful stuff to you and waltz back in?

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 02/02/2022 10:25

I think you need to get to the bottom of it first OP.
Everyone I have known with depression stays in the house, it affects their motivation to do things.
What's the real story.

Original poster

GenuineLolz · 02/02/2022 11:10

This is a massive bomb that he is now minimising. ‘People fall out all of the time’
‘Why have you told people’ Almost as if we have had a lovers tiff that is my fault. I genuinely do not know what to think or feel.

OP posts:

kittenkipper · 02/02/2022 13:04

I'm so sorry for you op. He's being very cruel. "People fall out all the time" You didn't fall out though did you? He's been backing off and when questioned he left you. He's said that he doesn't love you, not in the heat of a big falling out argument but in the cold light of day. And he's done all this only to come back and try to gaslight you into believing he's done nothing wrong and you're the drama queen?!? He LEFT YOU and you shouldn't have told people?! He told his dad he didn't love you and was leaving you- he was "telling" people!

I'd not be able to forgive and to me, he would not be the person I thought he was.

theremustonlybeone · 02/02/2022 13:14

This is a very similar to another post where the DH said the same thing and moved in with his dad. Then tried to return. I think it turned out he was seeing someone else (but they didnt plan to leave there DH) so he tried to move back in.

SamphiretheStickerist · 02/02/2022 13:55

He is in full on self protective mode. You simply must be in the wrong or he would have to admit he has been horrible.

Currently you don't appear on his 'things to be cherished' list 😕

Original poster

GenuineLolz · 03/02/2022 14:44

He is turning this all around on me.
Apparently Im not perfect (who is?) or if I was, we wouldn’t be in this mess. I’m boring as I go to bed early and I should just ‘get over it’.
I’ve told him to stay away.
No remorse or emotion.
What a dickhead.

OP posts:

Interrobanger · 03/02/2022 14:49

He's a prick. And a particularly stupid one too, if he thinks he can say something like that to you and then come back a week later and expect everything to be normal again.

I would bet my house on him leaving you for OW who has rejected him. I wouldn't believe what his dad said - he's probably covering for him and is invested in you getting back together so that he can get him out of his house!

The fact that he's trying to blame you for his shitty behaviour is the final nail in the coffin. Tell him to stay at his dad's and then begin divorce proceedings.

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