BF didn't acknowledge my child's birthday

[shadyogrady]

Am I being a bit precious or is this a bit shit?
My BF of three years didn't acknowledge my child's birthday earlier this week. I know he's bought her a present which he will give her when he comes over later this week and a card. We don't live together but see one another regularly and they have a good relationship. But she's just recovered from COVID and some celebrations she had planned have been cancelled. He hasn't forgotten and I know he's doing something for her but I feel that not acknowledging a child's birthday on the day itself via a call or a text is quite thoughtless. He seems to be capable of remembering his friends' birthdays on FB and WhatsApp.
Would be good to get a sense check on this before talk to him: I'm a bit upset about it but I may be over-reacting if he has something planned.

I think he probably just sees birthdays differently to you - probably feels he's acknowledging her birthday by getting the gift and card and that it's fine to give it late in person.

@SallyWD

Yep that's kind of where I'd got to with it: its very much his style, he's practical and quite repressed and is very much someone who shows love by doing things and giving things as opposed to through outpourings of emotion.

It still sticks out a bit to me that while he's very quick to acknowledge friends' birthdays on WhatsApp threads/FB etc he couldn't find time to throw her a text though. I kind of feel hurt but without knowing if I have the right to feel hurt, if that makes sense.

How old is she?

He has got her a card and a gift so he has acknowledged it but he just hasn't seen her yet to do it in person. Does she even care?

@ApolloandDaphne

It's a fair point. I don't think he's done anything wrong as such, just sat a bit weirdly with me. I posted something on FB and about five of his friends - and his sister -- wished her a Happy Birthday while he hadn't bothered. Just left a slightly odd taste in the mouth. I guess if he gives her something tomorrow I should let it go. @Clymene she's just turned 12.

I think you’re being rather precious. He got her a gift and will give it to her when he sees her. That’s not just “acknowledging” her birthday but spending time and money to celebrate it.

“Not acknowledging” would be seeing you on the day and not mentioning it, no card, gift, best wishes etc.

@Doomscrolling

Fair enough. I was in a bit of a sensitive frame of mind. Glad people think I'm over-reacting rather than under-reacting.

He's got her a present and will presumably make a fuss of her when he sees her, I think that's fine.

I will message adults to say happy birthday but I wouldn't really think to message or call children. As long as I have got them something and will see them soon then it wouldn't occur to me to contact them tbh. This is what I've always done with my nieces and nephews and I'm very close to them. It's just a different approach to this sort of thing, don't overthink it.

I'm not sure I'd text a child unless it's a child I text regularly anyway. Does he? He might feel it's crossing a line to be honest!

Is the difference between his friends and your child that he is going to see your dd on her actual birthday, where as he's not seeing the friends?

I wouldnt think too much into it. Its a message on a social media platform. I always found social media birthday wishes a bit meh, personally. You don't hear from people until fb reminds them it's your birthday and then they all pop up on your page. In person has so much more meaning and thought behind it and that's what your bf is doing.

@Clymene he does speak to her and text her on her phone.

Thanks all, acknowledging I have probably over-reacted a bit here: I'm a bit over-sensitive on her part as she's had quite a shit birthday. He's lovely and incredibly kind and considerate in general but can be a wee bit emotionally tone deaf at times. But I acknowledge that a proper gift and card mean more than a text message.

Oh in that case I think I would be a bit upset but I hope she isn't. I guess an oversight rather than anything else.

What about your daughter's own dad O@shadyogrady?

Your current boyfriend will never be a replacement for her dad, no matter how lovely and kind he is, and that's just the way it goes.

You're expecting too much when you're not even married and legally committed to each other. Him bringing her a card and present when he next comes sounds like a more than fine and nice thing for him to do.

He's being sensible here for both his and her sake because if he gets too attached to her, it'll all become a mess if/when you both break up in the future since she's not his child. For her sake, it's best for her not to get too attached to him. It's great they're both getting on well but you need to ensure that you're not treating him as if he's her actual dad, because unlike the unconditional love of a proper parent, he's only dealing with her because he currently has a relationship with you. It's even more important to set boundaries if she's been let down by her own dad.

That was meant to tag @shadyogrady above

I wish the people in my house happy birthday on the day. I wish other people happy birthday when I see them around their birthday. I don't expect anybody other than my DH and DC to even know it is my birthday as birthdays don't mean anything to me. I do make a fuss of my DCs on their birthdays so I understand it is different when it is a child but maybe he just has a casual attitude to birthdays too and hasn't realised yet that they are a bigger deal to children. I think the main thing is that he has got them a gift and wants to be nice to them for their birthday. He just doesn't know that phone calls on the day are important to you.

@MixMatch

DD's dad is on the scene but he's pretty unreliable due to a history of alcoholism and severe mental health problems. He's previously been subject to a non-molestation order due to abuse. Now in a much better place and we have an OK relationship considering and he adores DD but he doesn't provide any maintenance or support, can't be left on his own with her for long periods of time and generally isn't reliable.

BF isn't DD's step dad yet and I have deliberately taken this incredibly slowly. He may never move in/we may never get married. But he is slowly becoming a kind of de facto stepdad and she is definitely closer to him than she is to her dad.

She didn't explicitly mention him not texting or contacting her so I don't know if she noticed.