Relationship help

[Samhxo]

Hi,

I am 22 with a 3MO and the dad of my child is 19. We argue quite a lot over things but it has been reduced recently. I came back home with my LO in November to work on my anxiety and self esteem and it was agreed he’d work on his drinking and personal issues. It’s upset me as he’s not started this at all. Recently I had covid and the day after isolation ended I came down to see him with my LO; unfortunately I was still suffering with the effects of covid despite 2 negative tests and asked him for some space on my last night there; I suggested him to go out for a couple of hours with a few friends but he decided he didn’t want to. We live in such a small place that there’s no ability to have time to ourselves and he kept walking in and out of the rooms I was in. I then on the evening asked him to feed our LO and he got angry saying how he was tired and said he was done with me. Me and my mum have taken this as the relationship is done. I still want the relationship but just want him to work on his attitude but himself and his mum deny there being any; we have to decide what’s best for our son but is it best having our son going back and forth 3 hours to and from his mum and dads or is it best having space and hopefully having my partner realise he has issues he needs to work on for the relationship to work. His mum has said he loves me to bits and a day or 2 prior he was crying saying he had a nightmare we broke up but then the day of us arguing he kept saying “whatever” and “ok” I just need some advice

What do you want about this relationship? He isn’t supportive or helpful or useful. He involves his mum in your relationship. I’m sure he thinks he loves you, in a nebulous teenage first love sort of way, but good relationships are about far more than that.

He’s a teenager who clearly wasn’t prepared for becoming a grown up with a baby. Your DS will have a far better childhood with separated parents than parents who are in a relationship in little more than name, arguing all the time and demonstrating a dysfunctional relationship. To be honest, I doubt that once you’ve separated you’ll need to worry all that much about DS having to travel between two different homes: what’s the real likelihood that his dad will actually stay very interested or engaged as a parent? I’m guessing reasonably low - which may well work out as for the best, also.

Yeh, he’s adamant he wants to be a dad still and have 50:50 custody. The issue with our relationship is he is still young and needs to work on his insecurities but I’m paranoid he’d rather sleep round and all the times he said he wanted to marry me etc was just a lie

You're living in a fantasy land if you think this twat is going to grow up. It won't happen for your benefit, I assure you. He isn't responsible enough to have this baby 50/50. Go home and let him come after you through the courts for access if he wants to.

He’s a child. The fact that he was old enough to get someone pregnant doesn’t mean he’s in any way mature enough to be a parent or a partner. Yes it’s sad that your little one will not grow up as part of a stable family, but that was a fantasy even with you together.

You can’t make him work on himself or change in any way. The only person who can do that is him. And you’re right in thinking the best way for that to happen is for you to make a decision and stick to it, about splitting up. That way he gets to see the reality of being a parent of a young child who he doesn’t get to see every day and decide if this is who he is. With such a young child 50/50 isn’t necessarily in the child’s best interest so he doesn’t get to just decide that’s what he wants. He needs to demonstrate that he can provide a stable home life while the child is with him, not just palming them off on his mum, while is probably way more likely.

He probably wasn’t “lying” when he said he wanted to marry you - but he’s barely more than a child and clearly hasn’t thought through the impact and reality of any kind of commitment in his head properly - as his sulky teenage attitude when you asked him to feed his baby and his general immaturity around your relationship demonstrates.

He may well say now he wants 50/50 with the baby if you leave: plenty of men do, especially if they think it will make you change your mind about leaving because you don’t want to miss out on your DC for so much time. But really, do you think a man who got angry when asked to feed his hungry baby because he was a bit tired is actually going to accept total responsibility for said baby for half the week?

Leaving is a win-win for you either way: if he slithers off into the ether and you rarely hear from him again then you’ve gotten rid of a deadweight and spared your DS a shit father in his life. If he steps up, sorts his attitude out and becomes a great dad, then your DS gets the benefit of a great dad - and absolutely, if the latter happens then you can in the future, if you still want to, talk about giving your relationship another go, once you’ve evidence of him properly changing. In the meantime, you can make it clear you’re being serious and aren’t going to be his second mummy.

Thank you everyone! It’s so difficult because I do love him and do want to be with him but just want him to accept himself he has issues and wants to change to be a family. End of the day the only person this affects is himself; he won’t have me around to help like I do with the bills and food shops and tidying up, he won’t see his LO much and in regards to dating what 19 year old girl wants the responsibility of being with someone who has a child at that age? All of his mates go out and do drugs and drink and he’s very influenced by that. I hope me walking away and giving him time will let him see the life he has with being a family is something a lot of people dream of and I won’t be waiting around for him forever especially being 22 I just want to settle and be a family

He won't get 50/50 of a 3month old baby, so if you're worried about that, put it out of your mind.

How often did he come to your mums and visit the baby there?

Unfortunately you cannot make him change and he sounds like he's done. The best thing to do is to concentrate on your own life and being the best mum you can be to your baby 💐