What is going to be the most dignified response?

[Thesameol]

In a nutshell, last year I left my STBXH because he contracted a STD from visiting escorts. The discovery was shocking, devastating and took a massive emotional toll, not just on me but on our adult DC and close relatives.
Bar a couple of people I trust implicitly, I told nobody. Not because I didn't want people to know what he'd done (I did want people to know). But because I felt that because it was so shameful, he should be the one to tell. Although he said he had told people, I doubt he did tell them properly. Nobody sought to contact me.
Now, I'm beginning to hear stuff on the grapevine which suggests the info is out there and I know it's going to spread. At some stage, I am going to bump into someone who will know the truth and who's going to say 'sorry to hear about you and ... '.
What should I respond?

Do you mean you haven't told people you've broken up at all, or that you haven't told them why?
I told people I didn't know well that it was by mutual agreement (which is kind of correct: he wanted to have his OW and I never wanted to see him again!)
That is, you can say what you want.
Now I tend to say that I was very disappointed in him and had expected him to be a better husband.

I’m sorry do you mean irs out there he was visiting prostitutes? I doubt anyone but the closest friend would discuss that with you in passing.

I think relying on him to tell others was never going to work. Why word he want to do that?

I understand why you don't want to tell others what happened, but it's not your shame to bear. It's his. Though I would be like pp and say something vague (if you don't want to discuss it obviously) about marriage being about trust and loyalty and he wasn't keeping up his end of the bargain.

If you want people to know, it's your responsibility to tell them. But do you really think it will make things better? If people ask you, you could just say something along the lines of him not having treated you very well but now you are moving on and would rather not discuss or think about him.

Some good suggestions. I guess I'll have to play it by ear.

I don’t think you need to say anything in particular except thank them for their concern and acknowledge it’s been a tough time. People who are genuine friends aren’t going to expect you to give them the lowdown on why you’ve broken up and whose fault it was, the most dignified response is not to try to publicise blame. And the people who’ll try to push you for details and who was at fault aren’t real friends but just people looking for titillating gossip, so you don’t want them to know anything anyway.

Also, from experience, it’s really awkward for friends when one or each of a separated couple hints at everything being the other one’s fault and makes veiled references about who’s to blame and why. Yes, you want to humiliate him and make it clear that you were blameless; but not at the cost of people ending up avoiding you or cutting off friendship because they just find it all a bit awkward to be around.

If you do want to get it off your chest and have a moan to a good friend, though, tbh I can't say anyone I did tell was particularly shocked.

Don't take his shame as your own, he is the gobshite who dipped his wick where he shouldn't. It is not a reflection on you. You are the innocent party and he is the dirty dog. It is his scandal and his mortification. I would just upfront and honest but wouldn't be going into any details.

Just say, yes, he's a dirty bastard, but I really don't want to discuss it.

Just tell them he's got the clap ( not from you)😉

‘Thanks, it’s been a tough time but I’m getting through it. How are you?’

If you can get people talking about themselves, they normally forget to ask too much about you. If they keep probing, you can probably fob them off with an ‘Ah well, onwards and upwards, hey’ or similar.

I’m sorry he did that to you. What a shit.

@Spudlet

‘Thanks, it’s been a tough time but I’m getting through it. How are you?’

If you can get people talking about themselves, they normally forget to ask too much about you. If they keep probing, you can probably fob them off with an ‘Ah well, onwards and upwards, hey’ or similar.

I’m sorry he did that to you. What a shit.

Exactly what I'd say.

"he wasn't the man I thought he was... How are you?"

My ex did something similarly shocking and entirely unforgivable.

I do tell people if they ask, or my friends, because like you, it's his shame, not mine!

When people I casually know say they've heard, and they're sorry, I just say 'yeah! I know, who'd have thought huh!' - and sometimes they'll confide that they suspected (I didn't!) and sometimes they'll just commiserate, and always they'll ask how the kids are doing (absolutely fine).

Then the conversation moves on.

I'm pretty happy with it, I'm fine with anyone knowing what he did, I'm certainly not going to apologise for him or have them thinking that it wasn't something major.

It's nothing for you to be embarrassed about. If you really don't want to get into it, just say 'it was one of those things' or 'who'd have thought it' or a halfway house is to say he was unfaithful.

If I knew the real reason but the woman said to me 'it was one of those things' I would have serious words with her. Using prostitutes in secret whilst married is one of the scummiest things a man could do and is definitely not just 'one of those things'.

If someone says ‘I hear EXH had an STI, and you broke up’ I would say, ‘yes I know - how embarrassing for him’. I would respond in a way that distances you totally. Or ‘yes, I had to break up with him after that, can you imagine. Very awkward for him now people are starting to find out’. Or ‘yes it’s totally mortifying for him’. Just make it clear there is absolutely no reflection on you. Then say ‘anyway, how are you? How is little Monty?’