Hate my self

[lifesinacheeseandpickle]

Hi I know I'm going to get abused on here for admitting this but I can't help the way I feel. I'm so sorry if this triggers any up set for anyone. I really didn't want and expect to be in this situation. Here goes 😥.
I am engaged to my fiancé of 11 years but I am in love with a married man. We met 4 years ago and as soon as I seen him I felt a lot of confusing feelings. We work together but have now been put on different floors. My choice because I knew it was wrong and needed these feelings to go away.
Me and this person clicked from day one. We are both in our 30s. We started spending so much time together because of a project we were working on and I think it just made us grow closer. He never opened up about his marriage for about two years. His wife is emotionally and physically abusive towards him. He never mentioned the physical side to me but a family member of his has done.
I am in the same situation as him and the only reason I havnt left is because of money and he threatens to leave me with nothing and I'm so scared of that. Me and the other man grew pretty close last year and it scared me. I am not a cheat and I wouldn't ever do it but I can't stop thinking about him. It's been a whole year of us not talking because I moved floors and times not to be near him because I knew it was wrong.
He's a really good person and I knew the situation was getting to him . He even started crying when he said how can he have feelings for someone else when he is married. I thought this year from him would clear my mind but it hasn't. I miss him so much. I don't know how many times I have stopped myself from contacting him. I heard his wife had hit him again last week which made me want to contact him ever more but I just couldn't sent the message.
I know he still feels the same. He would of left his wife for me but I just couldn't go through with it because he said she would give him hell with his young children. I know 100 percent of we both became single we would get together and be happy. But in doing so there will be so much hurt and upset for everyone involved.
I really don't know what I'm asking or wanting from this post. I think I just needed to get it out. I have fallen in love with him and he has / did with me. Since not seeing him I have been pretty miserable.

You have two problems. Your own relationship is your biggest problem at the moment and you need to get out of it. If the other guy is telling the truth then he may well take advantage of that and leave home too. Until he does though I wouldn't have anything to do with him.

I don't see why you would receive abuse for this. You have done the right thing and tried to remove yourself from the situation and cut contact with him.

But it sounds like both of you are in toxic relationships and that needs to be the priority here, not what might happen if you're single. If you are being abused you need to leave. I know it's not always that straightforward but there is always a way. The same goes for him, especially if he is being hit in front of his children. But that isn't your responsibility. You can only control your own life.

Your marriage is obviously in trouble if you are having these feelings for another man but spend less time beating yourself up over it and more time considering practically what you're going to do. Life is very short to be stuck with someone who makes you miserable when there is a chance of happiness out there. That doesn't mean you should fall straight into this other man's arms if you do become single by the way. The reality may be a lot different to the fantasy you have been dreaming of over the past year.

But whatever happens, leaving an unhappy abusive relationship is usually a positive step.