What do you make of this? Positive or red flag?

[TipperHendry]

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 6 months. It’s very “on”. We both have children, we are both in our 50s, and are very happy. We spoke today and we talked about what we see as being the purpose in each other’s lives. I’m about to embark on a major project with BF has some experience in, so that’s been the main focus of the day, but anyway he said that he sees his role as loving and supporting me to achieve things I didn’t think I can do, and to give me my confidence back. (I was very ground down in my previous marriage) and that he has every confidence in my abilities.

I asked him what he saw my role as and he said “don’t know. I just know that you make me feel warm and fuzzy and super.”

I’ve taken this to be all positive and a Good Thing. My sister has just said “so you’re a project then, and you boost his ego?”

Who is right?

It sounds positive to me.

Sounds like a positive thing to say.
If he’s in love with you of course you’ll make him feel warm and fuzzy and super.

Your sister’s comment is the negative one.

I thought so too. She seems to be under the impression that what he should have been saying was just emotional stuff about how much he loves me and what he loves about me, not what he can “make me into”.

It sounds nice to me. I've always invisioned my dream man saying similar. As long as he is also able to provide for himself then I don't see the harm.

So he's recognised that he can help you build your confidence, and also recognised that he himself is in an emotionally stable place who doesn't need you to fix him but he just enjoys being with you?

Sounds good to me.

I was a bit at the give you your confidence back comment, before I read what your sister said.

That sounds a bit dependant to me. He can support you that’s all fine, but you don’t need him to give you confidence, your confidence and self worth doesn’t depend on him. Also it doesn’t sound like your last relationship was great and your sister knows you and your current relationship better than any of us, is it possible you’ve missed any other red flags that she’s seen?

My confidence in my abilities was very definitely eroded during my marriage, my exH was very controlling.
I haven’t seen any other red flags, it’s rather long distance and with the children’s arrangements we only see each other EOW really, but we talk loads. For the first time in a long time I’m happy. Maybe my sister isn’t used to that.

I'm always wary about the men who promise to give you your confidence back, it's a bit patronising and they often turn out to have narcissist traits. Some men can sniff out women with low self esteem and past trauma.

I have very low confidence and when I was dating I came across a few of these. They turned out to be quite controlling with unrealistic standards but always under the guise of 'supporting' me and the confidence malarkey.

I'm bitter so maybe don't listen to me but only you can work on your confidence, he can't fix that for you.

From your own perspective - what do you think your role is?
And what do you think his role is?

If a partner asked me what I thought their role was, I probably couldn't have given a better answer than he has. In the early days of a relationship, surely the only thing should be to be good company? No one should be looking for or expecting anything more than that really.

It would make me wonder if he was just saying that because he thought that's what I was missing from my previous relationship (where you say you were ground down). It feels very specific compared to what your role is in his mind. I would be less suspicious if he felt it was your mutual roles to X, Y, Z

I suppose all of this is coloured by the thing I’m about to embark on, being for me, massive and scary and yet he’s already done similar so he is very encouraging.

What do I see my role as? Don’t know. I don’t think I have a great deal to offer, a lot of the time.

His role is not to project manage you but to support and admire you. Maybe slightly crack handed but you don't need him in the supervisor context as a project manager. Having said that it was a way of saying be supportive for you to believe in yourself the way that is self evident to me, I think your awesome! Maybe a slight mix on words but a low level red flag all the same. No issue on how you make him feel as long as it's not the big man supporting the little woman. You can do this!

Honestly, its just a bunch of words and maybe if you asked him on another day it would have been different. Actions speak louder so you can judge him from those instead