How to comfort vulnerable hurt friend who has also hurt me

[Notquitemanaging]

This is a weird one.

Few weeks back at the pub after too many wines very dear friend had a go at me, pretty assertively but also incoherently and it was not clear what I had done other than apparently being very cruel. I was drunk too but sober enough to realise we were too drunk to talk through anything sensible and suggested we met up another time to talk things through which we have done.

She is clearly hugely hurt by me and things I’ve said and done and I feel awful and apologised for hurting her, but the things she was saying were quite hurtful themselves and the problem is not everything she said really made sense. She said I always insist on her coming to my house and wont go to hers but then acknowledged she doesn't invite me; said that she knew I thought she was boring and that I had told her this but not only do I not, I have no recollection of this ever happening and she didn't remember specific occasions it had done either but is sure I have. There were some things she said that did ring true - she had a party last year I didn't go to and thought had rsvp’d but didn't which was rude - it was my own son’s birthday and we were just frazzled but I can see it was upsetting and sincerely apologised. Everything else though was very vague and after talking through with a good friend who we always hang out with together and I know would tell me if I had been a twat which I am sure I can be, really seems to be projection and putting two and two together and making seven. I think the party thing and then perhaps being socially clumsy or unaware on other occasions has given her a false impression I don't care about her which she has built up into something. None of the things she says I have said are even things I remotely think or would say, and had I done so this mutual friend would have said something - just seems weird for no one to remember.

I just kept apologising and telling her how much I loved her but the thing is I do now feel paranoid about how I am with her as none of this has been intentional and I also cant think of any times things have happened which I would handle differently another time and she couldn't give any examples. I think by apologising I maybe confirmed in her head that it was all real and actually I feel a bit upset myself by some of the language she has used and tone without any obvious cause other than the party thing which I know was sloppy.

I think she is quite vulnerable for a few reasons and mainly want her to feel ok so am 95% happy with how it has been left which is her accepting my apology but 5% worried I have somehow confirmed that I thought loads of things i don't think at all, or done things I don’t think I have, and my own feelings are a bit put out too.

Just leave it for now and tread carefully around her?

Perhaps let it calm down for a while and then ask her to meet up with you for a chat, no alcohol involved?

Also be mindful that you have admitted forgetting to rsvp her party so perhaps there are other occasions when you have done this. Her not being able to recall specific examples when she was drunk doesn't necessarily mean they didn't happen and your mutual friend may not be aware or recall every incident.

To give your friend the benefit of the doubt this level of upset won't have come from no where unless she has some kind of mental health issues.

Your mutual friend isn't going to want to be dragged into the middle of this so is likely to tell you what you want to hear.

It's up to you how you move on with your friendship. If her opinion of you makes you too uncomfortable to see her, then don't. If you enjoy her company and want to see her, then do.

No-one here knows you so can neither absolve you of your sins nor tell you they didn't happen. It's just up to you.

I just kept apologising and telling her how much I loved her but the thing is I do now feel paranoid about how I am with her as none of this has been intentional

What a load of drama. You being you upsets her. Her being her upsets you. Just quietly back away from the friendship, it's not healthy, and it isn't making you happy.

Last time we met was totally booze free - think sadly as genuinely do care for her last comment from @TheFoundation on the money. She does have a history of mental health issues and has previously been convinced I was annoyed with her when I wasnt and also that she has had serious illnesses that she hasnt. I have had my own share of anxiety and she has been a good friend to me
i dont want to walk away from but genuinely dont recognise any of this and think a breather at least probably best. Thanks all.

I just kept apologising and telling her how much I loved her

Do you know about attachment styles? I only mention it from the line above. When I started to read about them, it explained SO much, and was really helpful. Perhaps it'll be the same for you. The line above sounds very much like an anxious style.

www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

I let go of a friendship in the last year because we also had a similar dynamic. One time that stuck in my head was that we were chatting one day and she brought up a time that I had been in her house and she had turned to look at me and apparently I had a look on my face and she had a whole dialogue about what my look meant. I found it really difficult as not only was she wrong, but that she had clearly been stewing on it and in that moment I also felt like I needed to apologize for 'a look'. Small things like this continued to crop up and it occurred to me that it was sad that she couldn't just ask me outright and also that she had a whole dialogue about me and also others that she fully believed. It was too much for me and in the end I decided to back away. It was a really difficult decision to make but it was the right one for me as being around her made me feel really uneasy as I was never sure how she was interpreting the moment.

@coffeeisthebest I had similar with a person that was in the same hobby group as me. Every look, sneeze and blink was analysed for a deeper meaning. She would canvas opinion from another club member and get her to speak to me about what was "wrong", when I said I was fine I was either accused of lying or being emotionally closed off and refusing to deal with things. Honestly most of the time I was just focusing on hobby instructions or thinking about what I would have for dinner that night. It was exhausting, lots of people left the group as an activity that was meant to be fun was stressful, constantly feeling under surveillance. Back away OP and stop apologising, the constant apologising just feeds into whatever she gets out of this drama over nothing. I am a big fan of apologising once with sincerity, changing my behaviour if necessary but if someone keeps badgering me to repeatedly apologise and keeps going on I back away as that person is only interested in me being in the wrong and "beneath" them.

Yes I hear you @dontbeme. There is something about someone who decides they know what is going on in your head (and then proceeds to tell you...) that is virtually impossible to be around. This 'friend' I had was always asking if I was ok and it eventually grated so much that that was pissing me off too. All the things that she decided about me were also things that bothered her, not me, so it was obvious it was projection but I really lost confidence as she was convinced it was me and I was unsure what I thought about anything by that end.

This sounds tough, I'm sorry OP. But I agree with other posters that your friendship might have run its course. It seems like she has a long list of slights, imagined or otherwise, that you now have to take responsibility for. You won't come out of it feeling happy and forgiven and that all is well.

I had a friend who did this, she acted fine most of the time, but was clearly stewing on imagined things that I and others had done to her. She thought we had a separate WhatsApp group that excluded her, she believed we were trying to kick her out of our friend group. None of it was true. It would leak out here and there when she was drinking and then one day it exploded dramatically on another friend of ours. She bore the brunt but it ended her friendship with us all, effectively.

I think all you can do is calmly tell her your side/view, tell her you wish her the best and leave her to it. It's sad, but I can't help feeling like you'll save yourself a lot of heartache and drama in the long run.

Thanks all. It is exactly the “i know what you're thinking” bit that is so hard. At one point, the sober time, she said “maybe you havent said I am boring but it is obvious.” Some of it I can challenge, for example a claim that one otjer friend looked down on her because she went to state school and this friend is posh and privately educated: i was able to say that this wasn't the case, she went to a comp and her dad was a plumber but most of it was more broad speculation it was harder to challenge than totally inaccurate facts. It was really sad and unsettling.

It was really sad and unsettling

Steer clear of anyone who makes you feel this way. Especially if they're doing it via telling you, wrongly, what you're thinking. It's toxic.

Thanks love - dont think comes from place of malice but doesnt make it ok

It doesn't matter where it comes from. That's why people end up in abusive relationships: because they try to work out why the other person does what they do, and then they can forgive them, because there's a reason, an excuse, all of which overlooks the recipient's feelings, like 'sad' and 'unsettled'.

Like you say, it doesn't make it ok.

Thank you - found this really helpful