Can self harm be a form of abuse?

[DyingForACuppa]

I'm a bit worried about going into to many details, but there's a couple and infrequently (once a year maybe?) a simple argument will become much more and one party will say the other is abusing them/driving them to self harm (by not agreeing with them) and then will go on to physically hurt themselves or smash up their own stuff.

The other party doesn't believe they are being abused as it's never them/their stuff being damaged, but this feels like an attempt to control to me?

It doesn’t sound abusive as such but does sound manipulative. As in….”look what you’ve caused me to do”.

Are they living together?

So I recently read today what boundaries are in a relationship when it comes to relationships and feelings. I thought my boundaries weren't that bad but they're not great. It isn't just about what you will or won't put up with. It's also about what emotions you take on from others and react too.

@mrcow

It doesn’t sound abusive as such but does sound manipulative. As in….”look what you’ve caused me to do”.

Are they living together?

Yes, they are living together with preschool age children.

Of course it’s abusive. Absolutely vile behaviour. And with little children in the house? Horrendous

Yes it is abusiv.

Yes it is.

My opinion is that it’s 99.99% likely that the person threatening self harm has serious mental health problems.

It’s manipulative and can be considered abusive, but the person doing it probably isn’t being that way on purpose. It’s just shit all round for everybody involved, and I sincerely hope that they get the right sort of help from good mental health professionals

Borderline personality disorder comes to mind, but of course you have to be very careful about armchair diagnosis.

So they're doing this in front of the kids?

It is abuse.

And at the end of the day it doesn't matter if it's intentional or not, the effects on the other person are the same, they are manipulated into doing what the other person wants.

I was trapped in a relationship for over 10 years where he would threaten suicide etc. The relationship actually started out that way, he self harmed to try to get me into a relationship with him.

Let's say the person self harming genuinely just freaks out in that moment and starts self harming and actually can't help it at the moment of the freak out.....when they calmed down they would know that it's not right and fucked up and should go for therapy to stop them reacting like that....so even if they are not intending to be abusive, they know that their behaviour is wrong and they should seek help for it and they don't...that says a lot.

After saying all that though if you're not in the situation yourself then how you really know the dynamic of the relationship?

Some people do respond to long term emotional abuse with self harm or they look like they are overreacting massively.....often it will look like it started with a simple argument as you said but that's not what causes it, it's gaslighting or stonewalling etc. or whatever it is that triggers the trauma response in the body that causes it all to escalate.

Take the water torturer for example
www.muchnessmama.com/profile-of-an-abuser-water-torturer/

With that kind of psychological abuse going on in a household, the abused person would often look like the abuser to outsiders!

Yes it’s vile behaviour.
It’s definitely manipulative and controlling.

I would get as far away from this relationship as possible.

Yes. It's common for abusers for example, to threaten suicide when you are leaving them. It's a means of control and manipulation through guilt and fear.

They don't have to be mentally ill to do this. Just determined to impose their will onto others.

Time to go. You don't want your kids growing up thinking this is normal and they should tolerate it from a partner.

If the person thelreatens to seriously harm or kill themselves when you go, then you call the ambulance service and make them aware of the situation. They can decide whether or not to send an ambulance and if they find this person is wasting their time then they'll soon read them the riot act.

You can also speak to the police about coercive control. Which this is. And it is a crime.