Divorce with two very young children

[Nat09876]

I have an 8 week old and a 2 year old ..I’ve been married to my husband five years, together seven. I’ve feel I’ve had enough of the relationship but I know it will be very hard being a single mum with such young children. Not a reason to stay though…I’m unsure about whether the relationship is retrievable / what is normal amount of strain just from having young kids. My main issues are:

• we don’t have sex …hardly though my first pregnancy because he doesn’t find pregnant women attractive. A very small amount afterwards to conceive and then nothing since then. He’s got no interest and I feel he’s been put off by me since the first pregnancy even though i lost the weight in between obviously my body is different. Pregnancy and breastfeeding freak him out ..I hope to breastfeed till at least 1 year so feel it’s off the table for ages and I feel to resentful to want to anyway. Sex wasn’t amazing before kids to be honest but everything else was good at that point..

• love / affection…none really. We peck on the cheek but no mouth kisses and hardly any cuddles. We sleep in separate rooms because he’s a light sleeper so needs sleep when working and the baby is in with me. Toddler was always a bad sleeper so comes in at some point in the night too.even when we slept in same bed during first pregnancy he would be on his tablet watching something with his back turned to me.

• friendship…I feel there’s not even this anymore. No kindness..basic things like will get himself a drink but not get me one when sat breastfeeding. He’ll let me make breakfast for toddler then make his own breakfast and eat it in a separate room.

When confronted he says it’s normal because we have young kids but I feel this is beyond that? I’d like to hear from others who have young kids? Admittedly not much time for sex right now because of our 8 week old even if we wanted it but there was when I was pregnant and in between.

I think he’s depressed also…he’s very very negative and can suck the fun and joy out of most environments. Never comes up with ideas of stuff to do with kids or holidays but is the first to complain or criticise. I feel like I’m going mad..so unhappy but every night when we are getting the two kids ready for bed etc and it’s chaos I think how would I actually do this by myself? On the plus side he does his fair share with the kids but I have to tell him step by step how to tell there’s never any initiative and he’s stroppy if I ask him to take toddler out to give me break with baby (but he’ll always do it)

It's so hard. Honestly I'd wait until the youngest is at least 2. I think you vastly underestimate how hard it really is with 2 babies on your own. Try and gently talk about it but no way would I blow it all up right now.

I know..I’ve had to do it for the odd night when he’s been working away and it’s horrific I don’t know how people cope. That’s the main thing that’s keeping me in the marriage but it’s hard to park it for 2 years I feel so unhappy and hate being around him. I could stay longer if we got on better as friends and he was less negative and miserable…sex and affection could definitely wait!

What is the point of you and he being together now?. What are you getting out of this relationship?

He sounds like a joy sucker who will continue to drain the very life out of you and in time your children also.

Why did you write that he does his fair share with the kids, I personally see no evidence of that from him in your initial post. He’s only doing stuff with the kids at your instruction. He is doing the barest of bare minimum here with regards to both you and your children.

What if anything has he done to address any depression issues, likely nothing because I would think he is not depressed at all.
How does he behave around other people like his parents for instance or work colleagues?. I would think these people are treated far better by him.

I have been through this except my husband left when my youngest was 1 and eldest 5.

Think very carefully. It was tough putting two to bed alone and my kids are older. Although in some ways things now feel easier since I no longer have his constant negative comments and moaning to deal with.

Realistically I don’t think many couples with such young kids would be having a good sex life. It’s all about survival at that age!

You only as well need to give your own self permission to leave.
Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied as you are now.

I am not sure there was lots of sex going on in our house when DC were those ages (except to make the next DC)😬

We never got any proper sleep because DC were mostly rubbish sleepers and early birds when that tiny. We used to have lots of middle o f the night arguments where I could easy have buried him under a patio throughout those years though.

Youngest is 5 now, we have lots of sex now ! It’s taken a few years to get back to they stage.

Your current situation sounds crap though in terms of the separate meals, beds etc. you sound like you are already separated.

It’s really early with DC2 though, I would try and give it a bit longer simply because you are still in the throes of new baby /hormones everywhere I think.

My kids are 6 and 3 and we never have sex either
We are 2 people living together co-parenting which is weird
Exactly the same here no sex during pregnancies and breastfeeding (his choice both times) I'm 2st heavier than my lightest Pre baby weight he doesn't fancy me and I don't him

We just exist

I wish I was been brave enough but I worry it'll upset my kids

It sounds like you are living separate lives already. The question is whether to stay and get you through the early days, while squirrelling away money and getting your ducks in a row, or whether you want to jump now.
If you’ve got help and can manage financially, go now.

Hi OP,

For what it's worth, my kids are just turned 1 and 4 years old. The hormones when they were newborns led to lots of crazy emotion from me - I threw my phone at DH once with each baby, and I'm NOT a thrower... So personally I'd give it time for the hormones to settle.

That said, the selfish breakfast and drinks and the joy-sucking are bad - and if I were you I'd be encouraging him to see the GP or a counsellor to try to see if he's depressed.

I personally believed that LTRs are hard for both partners, but something about this man made you get into a relationship in the first place, and have not one but two kids with him... Try (for the sake of your babies as well as your work-load) to see if you can remember and re-connect with that part of him? If it's depression then there are treatments for that, he may just need a hand-hold to get going.

Best of luck what ever you decide X

What was your relationship like pre DC? Be completely honest with yourself. My DHs sex drive absolutely tanked for the first year after DS was born. A combination of exhaustion and having a degree of depression. He was a mega life partner and dad, but the relationship had completely died. We chatted everything though, we both spoke to the GP independently, worked through some online couples resources and as life as got more ‘back to normal’, we’ve been having more sex again. Still not what it was like pre DS, but getting there. It was only because we had something to work towards though that it got better - I’m not sure if this would work if your relationship wasn’t stellar in the first place.

I had a big chat with him last night ..he said he thinks he’s depressed or just miserable because he feels overwhelmed by having two young children. We didn’t really get anywhere with the conversation and the our baby was crying so didn’t get to finish …he basically said he is miserable because life is miserable so he can’t change until things get easier. I do agree that things are very hard but he gets significantly more free time than I do and I don’t walk around in a cloud of doom bringing everyone down with me..but then I’m not depressed so maybe he can’t help this.

He is already seeing a therapist (upon my request) but won’t take antidepressants as he worries about becoming dependent and the weight gain and sex issues that can come with them. He eats tonnes of chocolate and sweets which I’ve told him if he cuts or reduces that itself could make a big impact on his energy levels. Despite me having usually both kids in bed with me every night while he is in spare room he ALWAYS complains of being tired first thing and all day long.

A major argument we have is about sleep training as he agrees with leaving kids to cry and I don’t at all. I used to do all nights and bedtimes with toddler but I need help now on evenings because baby is usually cluster feeding or fussy around bedtime. So he’s in a mood and more tired because he has to put the toddler to bed and it does take an hour usually ..he thinks we should do controlled crying which I just don’t agree with but his argument is if I won’t let him do it I should have to deal with all the sleep (which is what we agreed before). She’s 2 years old and only wakes once in the night I don’t think that’s too bad and I have friends who sleep trained and their kids still get up. It causes major arguments as I feel his expectations of young children are bizarre and think it speaks volumes of his lack of empathy, compassion and patience.

He also said that the reason he’s miserable is because he didn’t really want kids but thought I would leave him if he told me be didn’t want them. He said he loves them and doesn’t regret them but it’s not what he would have chosen..I pointed out that he did choose this I didn’t force him! I feel he’s resentful sand blames me for the realities and hardship of parenting two young kids. Whenever I say ‘I don’t get any time to myself either’ he says ‘yeah but you wanted this’ as if wanting children doesn’t still make it hard.

I can’t stand him at the moment to be honest but I also think despite him being a joy sucker I do think life would be harder at the moment as a single mum. I think I just need to disengage and switch off from him and leave when the youngest is a bit older

I think out of your list the ones that really matter are the lack of kindness and lack of spending time together. Life with small children is hard and sex probably isn’t priority for lots of couples but he clearly doesn’t want to be with you or children. He clearly views you 3 as a millstone he didn’t want and resents you.
Yes life is busy with little children but you should be on same team - exchanging humour and helping each other out.
Don’t underestimate the burden of living with someone so joy sucking. He’s there but a hindrance not a help.
How would life look if you split? Are you on maternity leave. Do you have family or friends to help.
Life isn’t miraculously going to get easier you’ll be juggling nursery, school etc.
You deserve better.

I think it's good that you've started the dialog. Knowing that he thought you should sleep train and instead you agreed to do nights what was your plan for having this second child? Did you assume he would change his mind? I can see how from his end this would cause resentment. I think he was a fool to agree to a second baby when you already weren't in alignment but no more so than you.

Lack of sleep is an utter killer. It distorts absolutely everything. It sounds all a bit hard and truly miserable at the moment. Could you go see a couples counsellor to work out your different parenting styles? Would you consider leaving him with the 2 year old for a weekend and letting him try it his way with the agreement that if it fails then he does it your way? Or hire a sleep consultant? 2 waking kids in the night is just crushing.

He does seem to love you all. You're just both stuck with a way forward.

"I think I just need to disengage and switch off from him and leave when the youngest is a bit older"

But how much older will you all be by then?. When the youngest starts infants school?. Doing this to yourself is basically kicking the can down the road. There is never a good time to leave so you may as well rip the plaster off sooner rather than later. This is who he is and he is not going to change.

In the meantime your children will continue to pick up on your innate unhappiness, your disengaging from him and preoccupied nature and perhaps even worse blame themselves. Is that really what you want to teach them about relationships?. No, it is not.

I do try to compromise on a lot in terms of parenting (and except the sleep we are quite well aligned) ..but the sleep isn’t something I can compromise on I just think it’s cruel and a form of withholding affection. I may have personal reasons from my own childhood for feeling so strongly but cosleeping was always a big part of mine and my mums bond and I think is great for reconnecting especially when I returned to work after my first daughter. I always hated sleeping alone as a child and had quite a traumatic childhood so I could never turn them away. I’ve tried gentle approaches with toddler which got in her own room till 3am but it resets everytime she’s Poorly and to be honest more hassle than it’s worth

The plan for second baby was that I would still deal with all night wakings (which I am doing) but I need him to put toddler to bed at least while baby 2 is still young and feeding lots in the evening. It’s a pain that it takes an hour but to me an hour out of his evening and he’s then free afterwards isn't a huge sacrifice. Recently myself and newborn had covid and I asked him to have the toddler for a few nights which I’ve never done before and he was in a total strop about it..toddler was also ill. I’ve told him even if kids are sleep trained they still sleep badly when poorly but I think he just expects them to be machines that go to bed calmly at 7pm every single night.

Very torn about what to do I think I just need to work out options and practicalities of what splitting up would look like. I would consider couples counselling but we probably need to wait until baby 2 is older and starts nursery to actual get the time to do that.

You have a newborn so no one is really thinking straight. If you think relationship salvageable would he be open to seeing GP to discuss anti depressants and look into joint couple’s counselling.
The sleep thing is obviously difficult as you are polar opposites. Are there any techniques or approaches you can agree on. There’s a happy medium between leaving them to cry and faffing about everyone sleep deprived. An hour to put a 2 year old to bed sounds a long to me and not realistic long term - if he wasn’t there you couldn’t do it it and/or baby would have to have bottle not cluster feed.
If need be you could book a babysitter for counselling sessions.
You are quite right poorly children won’t sleep.

Hi OP, what did you decide to do in the end? I hope things improved for you.

Hi OP, I also wondered what you decided to do in the end? Some things are v similar to our household eg the joy sucking and depression and small children’s ages.