I think my marriage is over, or at least it's incredibly close to being. We have 2 DS's under 9 and debt which means couples counseling will be a stretch let alone trying to afford two households The idea of trying to co-parent in the crap communication cycle we are in fills me with anxiety too. We have been together nearly 20 years and married for 12. Our lifestyles before kids were very similar but since having children I've made significant changes - smoking being a very major one that now causes huge conflict. Whilst he doesn't smoke around the children the smell bothers me more and more and i frequently feel unable to hide how annoyed I am when I walk in and DH stinks of smoke during the day when the kids are around.
DH works outdoors, often 6 days a week lately. He out very early and so all school runs, activities etc are down to me. They are short staffed and he is so tired he is asleep before the kids almost every night so bedtimes are mine to deal with too. He does help with some cooking for dinner and a bit of cleaning here and there but the vast majority is mine. I WFH so get I am able to do more and generally I am ok with it especially in the week but I so frequently feel like a single parent I'm at the stage where I feel like I might as well be one.
There is no attempt to arrange absolutely anything as a family or couple. He will come along if it's organised but otherwise he is quite happy spending the day on the sofa watching crap on his phone whilst the kids watch TV or play around him. It's the loosest form of presence and my 8 year old is now picking up on it.
Attempts to discuss, particularly around the smoking aspect are met with highly defensive and angry comments. He is now saying I make him feel unwelcome at home because of comments or looks, which may well be true because I'm so f*cking angry with being feeling unheard. He also says he's trying so hard to cope with everything (and he has had depression) that he doesn't know how he can do any more. We don't act as a team at all and I'm not sure that our expectations of our futures is at all compatible anymore.
This is just a super long rant really and I'm not sure there is an answer given the circumstances we are in. I just feel so stuck