What is the crossover from friendship to emotional affair, for you?

[GrannyBattleaxe]

Emotional Affair is a more modern term than I am (😂), and I’m wondering if I’m missing a distinction between friendship and emotional affair that others feel clearcut?

To me, it means when two people have non-platonic feelings for each other whilst both being married or in a relationship with different people.

An affair that hasn’t reached the bedroom yet.

I think it is usually quite clear. Eg, with friends you don't talk to them for hours online one-to-one every day. Most of the emotional affair examples I see here involves a lot of online communication.

Where it might not be so clear is if the people involved have to spend a lot of time together anyway, eg as colleagues working closely together. But again, personal conversation outside work would be a red flag for me.

What PPs said. Also secrecy.

When the moving to a physical relationship behind the back of your partners is only a matter of time, stopped by circumstance, distance, etc. When you are speaking to them way more often than your other ‘friends’, and without mentioning it to your partner

Would you be comfortable for your spouse to read the messages between you and the other person.

If you're already hiding them, it's already an emotional affair because you know you've conducted yourself inappropriately and you're already covering your tracks.

All of the above plus in a friendship you’re happy for everyone to socialise together and you don’t have to act differently around them when significant others/other friends are there. You don’t feel as if there would be more between you if SOs were out of the way. You don’t put their emotional needs ahead of your partner’s.

*Looking forward to messages from that person
*Getting a buzz from said messages
*Saying things you probably wouldn't normally ever say to even your closest friends
*Messages taking on flirtatious undertones
*As above with sexual undertones
*Getting mentionitis about that friend/colleague
*Hiding with your phone to send messages/make phone calls to that person
*Deleting those messages/call lists so your SO doesn't see them
*Missing that person when not in contact/seeing them
*Feeling the same way about that person as you did when you first met your SO
*Having sexual fantasies about that person
*Comparing your SO unfavourably to that person
*Changing Your behaviour towards your SO because of your friendship with that person
*Valuing that persons feelings over your SO
*As above with their thoughts and opinions
*Giving gifts that you wouldn't give to a friend normally

Interesting! I think I’d thought it was more platonic-focused whereas it sounds like there can often be a tangle of friendship and also unconsummated lust/sexual desire, if that’s the right term. I try to keep on top of terms to help support my adult and teen children in maintaining healthy relationships - I really wish I’d better understood about red flags and gaslighting, etc, when I was younger!

If you're exchanging messages, having lunches, walks, etc. and it's something you wouldn't want your partner to know then that's an EA. I have a good male friend and we message and FaceTime quite a lot, and meet up for the occasional coffee, but my DP knows all about him, has met him, is sitting beside me when I'm on FaceTime...if my friend says something funny I read the message out or show it to my DP. If I was doing that behind my DPs back, and was getting lustful thoughts about my friend (eww) then that would be an EA.

I have a male friend I send lots of messages back and forth to. The distinction between that and an emotional affair is that a) my DH & his DW knows (we are all friends) and are sometimes part of the discussion (I.e I’ll tell him things we’ve discussed, he’ll mention what his wife thinks etc) and b) although there might be some emotionally intimacy it’s nothing my husband doesn’t already know lots more about and c) everyone involved is happily married and there’s no ambiguity about that

Prioritising them over your partner.
Secrecy