Approaching my 30s single and childfree - happy with my life but worried about the future :(

[ScantiJHM]

I'll be turning 29 this year and thinking about my future (purely in terms of relationships and children) is causing me great distress. I live in London and have a great job which pays extremely well and because of this I'm currently in the market to buy myself a flat in London this year. I'm not tied to an office so I have spent some time working remotely in places like Portugal and Spain and very much enjoy being able to be carefree and the flexibility of being able to work from different countries. My social life could be better as I have a lack of long-term friends, but currently I live in a houseshare in London with a great bunch of girls and I have a range of activities that I get involved in: I play Netball, do Boxing, get involved in charity work so I keep myself fit and busy. I also like to go on holiday a lot so I go on multiple luxury solo trips every year.

At the core I very much am a "loner". Friendshps/relationships cause me a great deal of distress and as such I have never had a boyfriend nor have I kept any of the friends I've had from school or university. I'm fairly content with this. There are days that I wished I had some close friends to call but I strongly suspect that I have some form of autism as having friends and dating on the whole has been a stressful experience - but I am incredibly good at masking. I'm very close to my sister who is like my best and only friend and sister rolled into one who helps alleviate loneliness.

Even though I am fairly content with my current life. I've started to become extremely worried about my future. I don't have any friends that would be able to help with matchmaking so I'm on dating apps and finding the experience so underwhelming. Being a WoC in the UK I know dating will be harder and I'm resigning myself to the fact that may not find someone to marry and have kids with - this seems to be marketed as the worst possible scenario for a women and I am worried . Even my mother keeps asking when I will find someone and I know she thinks I am weird.

I love the feeling of being unattached, being able to travel and do whatever I want when i want and I'm also able to enjoy life as I have so much disposable cash. But at the same time I know my life will be better with someone to share those experiences with as everyone says this.

I am considering one day packing it all in and becoming a digital nomad, moving from country to country and seeing where I land. But I keep being reminded that I am a woman, there is only a short time where I will be seen as attractive enough to men to get married and have kids. I am almost 30 and so the expectation is that I should be settled and not moving around without a care in the world. A lot of women struggle finding someone decent in their 30s and I know this will be doubly hard for me as a WoC in the UK.

All in all I am feeling quite resentful about the fact that I am a woman. Men can be so carefree and not have to worry about relationships/kids as much as women and I wish I didn't have to think about it right now.

Has anyone else felt like this? is there any advice you can give me?

You don’t really say whether you want a relationship and/or children. It doesn’t sound like you do though, necessarily. More that you’re feeling external pressure.

If you like being a loner, having casual friendships with those around you etc, and travelling - well, you do you! It’ll open up job opportunities and adventures galore. Don’t be pressured into all the “usual stuff” just to fit in. Millions of women have forged and do forge their own paths.

You seem to worry a lot about men finding women attractive as well - ie the idea that women are only attractive enough to attract a man into their 30s and that women of colour are bound to find it harder. If you’re not very experienced with relationships and don’t have friends to tell you - men are a lot less fussy than you think!! Sorry that’s just a joke, but my point is women of all ages and kinds can find their match. If you suddenly realise at 40 or 60 you want to date there will be people wanting to date you.

Is WoC - Woman of Colour?

It doesn't sound like a relationship and kids are things you want, but are being made to feel you should want them. Your life sounds fantastic, and I think you should start a blog about it! I have no doubt you will find a relationship if and when you want one.

But at the same time I know my life will be better with someone to share those experiences with as everyone says this.

Not necessarily.

I don't think you sound as if you really want the attachments of long term relationship and children. They would make life so complicated and you clearly like things the way you like them-which is fine. You sound like you actually have something that works for you, albeit a little lonely (many of us in relationships are lonely though!) and a great deal to lose. You also have several years to meet sometime and perhaps feel ready to make these sacrifices if you really want them, rather than being worried you're missing out on a life that perhaps wouldn't be a good fit anyway.

In your shoes I might freeze my eggs to feel like I'd done something.

Three things jump out at me.
29 is so young still- I get the added pressure that women have but a) you have at least 5 more years to think about family stuff. Nothing wrong with going it alone (with family support) if that’s what you decide.
B) I didn’t meet proper friends until my late thirties - I’m quite similar to you in that I don’t need lots of people around.
C) travel, meet people, do what you need to satisfy - it’s such a small window of independence

@WeeWeeMe

Is WoC - Woman of Colour?

Yes Woman of Colour

Men can be so carefree and not have to worry about relationships/kids as much as women

No they can’t. Its hard for both men and women to find a partner who also wants or doesn’t want children.

Thanks for the responses. It's safe to say that I'm feeling the pressure of having a relationship and kids immensely. Although I'm currently content, a hell of a lot of people say that their life is better with their partner/kids and a part of me does wonder why so many people would push this narrative if it wasn't in fact the truth. I haven't been striving for it as I'm currently happy with my lot, but if it is the case that i may be happier partnered and with kids then I guess it is something I need to start thinking about seriously, as I don't want to regret my life choices...

@Winchestercollege

I don't think you sound as if you really want the attachments of long term relationship and children. They would make life so complicated and you clearly like things the way you like them-which is fine. You sound like you actually have something that works for you, albeit a little lonely (many of us in relationships are lonely though!) and a great deal to lose. You also have several years to meet sometime and perhaps feel ready to make these sacrifices if you really want them, rather than being worried you're missing out on a life that perhaps wouldn't be a good fit anyway.

In your shoes I might freeze my eggs to feel like I'd done something.

I'm biased as I'm currently freezing eggs but I second this comment. If you have a lot of disposable income but are concerned about age/fertility and you even might want children in future then imo you should pursue egg freezing. Obviously if you hadn't mentioned having lots of disposable income then it might not be ideal as the statistics for it working aren't the highest and its expensive but it seems something concrete and "easy" to do to take the pressure off of that problem. You've then got easily another 10 years to figure out thr relationship situation if you want to.

I think the main thing to think though is try to do what YOU want whilst ensuring you have enough money to live...! So if you're keen to do the travelling idea then go for it

What jumps out at me in your original post is, “Friendships/ relationships cause me a great deal of distress.”

Is this because you’ve been repeatedly let down in the past?

I’m asking, because that isn’t the way good friendships, for example, are “supposed” to work.

Stop worrying about what you should be doing and enjoy what you are doing.

Why don't you try a dating service for professionals? You are in London, there are companies that set up speed dating nights, you have to pay for their service and they check you out but it might be a better option than regular online dating sites. Go along see if anyone clicks.