A bit of a background story- So me and my bf have not been content in our relationship for a while. This is mainly because we have needed to break it off because of the toxicity. We have been together 5 years and the first 2 years of our relationship he was abusive towards me. He would say things like I am not sexy and would pester me for nudes, and I wasn't comfortable with sending them but would do it for him. He'd always compare our sex to sex with his ex and say that I was a "shit shag" compared to her and that my vagina wasn't as nice as hers. As you can imagine this traumatized me and I always felt like I wasn't enough for him. We broke up as I couldn't take it any longer. I took him back. He'd promise he'd change and he did. However, I began to realise no amount of "I'm sorry" will make up for the hurt and I am left feeling unsatisfied in our relationship. At first our sex life was amazing once he ditched the comparison's and was respectful towards me.
However the past year I have felt it has gone downhill. Were in a long distance relationship so we meet every two weeks/every week or so and before we would have sex 3/4 times whenever we'd meet. Then it went down to once and if I'm lucky twice. Its weird because after not seeing eachother for so long we'd normally have a lot of good sex. I've asked him if something is up and he says no. He did have ED about 2 years ago after his father had died but he has told me it's gone. But I only found out about his ED when I found his medication for it otherwise I would have never known and I feel like maybe it's still a problem but he gets angry with me everytime I try to talk about it. I know this might sound selfish and I feel so guilty about it but I was becoming extremely frustrated. Whenver I'd make advances or try to initiate sex he'd always reject me or we'd only have it when he's in the mood. Yes of course after meeting each other after two weeks we'd have it once maybe twice. But I just feel like it's not enough for me and I have all this built up sexual frustration and I was crying to him about it and he told me I'm ridiculous for crying about it and need to grow up. I do feel guilty because I didn't want to make him feel like he's not good enough for me or make him feel bad about himself. But I think it just stems from the past and I can't let go of it. I think I use how much he wants sex with me to validate myself and I know it's very unhealthy. Anyway we had a huge argument about this and he called me selfish and ignorant but I was just trying to say how it is really frustrating whenever I make advances im ALWAYS rejected. So we ended it. I feel as though I need to apologize and feel so guilty. I am just so confused right now and don't feel like I can speak to anyone about it because i feel so embarrassed.