Separating and scared

[Gare22]

Apologies as this is likely to be long..
My husband and I have been together 18 years and married for 14.
Things haven't been right for the last 3 years. I've been unhappy with things but have been (probably nievely) hoping things would change for the better.

My husband has never been good at communicating. I mainly put this down to him being from a different culture but with 2 of our children currently being assessed for ASD, I am reading alot in my research that makes me believe he may have undiagnosed aspergers.

Over the years I have repeatedly felt undermined and undervalued but have held out for the "better days"

My husband has always said that he thinks I talk too much to outside people and let people interfere. There is one instance 3 years ago that I can think of which upset him but he had smashed my daughters phone up and i told a friend who then went and gave him a talking to. (He shouldn't have done it but I regret telling her - I didn't expect her to say anything)

Anyway, things have never been the same since, he has never forgiven me! We haven't been intimate for 3 years and I guess have been more like house mates. I've tried to talk to him about it numerous times and he's just said each time he's "trying to get over it".

I wrote him a letter just before Christmas and said that we both deserve to be happy and if he's just with me because of the kids, then we should call it a day. He didn't respond until I asked him about it and then said again he was trying.

He was very detached over Christmas and then a couple of weeks ago, he told me he can't do it anymore and he doesn't love me.

I know that in reality this has been over for a long time but I am still heartbroken. I don't know who I am without him. I'm used to being half a couple and I'm scared.
I'm scared of being lonely and scared I'll never meet someone else. I'm 40 years old so not a spring chicken and feel like I'll just be alone now. I'm also already dreading him meeting someone new and how I'll cope.

I'm going to struggle financially too. We rent our house and I am self employed. I can get universal credits but it won't cover all the bills. I could move to a smaller house but because I work from home and have clients visit me, I'd have to give that up.

I feel stuck in every way. At the moment everything is amicable. I want us to be able to get on for the children's sake.

I guess I'm looking for any advice people can offer and for some reassurance from anyone that has been through this but is further down the line and happy.
Can I be happy again on my own?

Anyone?

Please don’t let logistics of work etc keep you in this relationship - it sounds dreadful.

I know some offices in my local City centre have spaces that small businesses can use for free or a small fee. Is that something you could look into? Or potentially you visit clients at their home instead - would that work?

He has been stonewalling you for years, you deserve to be happy. It will be awful in the short term while you find your feet in a new situation, but once you’re settled you have a whole world of possibilities ahead of you - including finding a new man if you want to. At 40 you still have half your life left to live so don’t resign yourself to a life of misery with him to save rocking the boat.

I know it’s hard. I split from my XH over 12 years ago and had to start again. Then I met DP whom I was with for 9 years and have recently split with him. I’m broken, truth be told, but it had to be done. And I have to keep looking ahead. I’m closing my self employed business and looking for other jobs because I need financial security and like you, can’t survive on what I earn even with UC. So it’s all new and scary. But in a few months I will be in such a better position than having no security in my work or my relationship. You can do it too

Thanks for your encouragement. Sorry to hear your relationship has ended too.

Unfortunately in my line of work I have to be in licenced premises so can't work out of anywhere without prior inspection and can't go to clients houses. I'll have to find a way to stay where I am or give it up unfortunately - I'm still paying off the loan I took out to set it up so not ideal.

Hopefully we can both look back in years to come and see it as a difficult period that we're well and truly over. I hope everything goes well for you

I think when a relationship breaks down we hanker of the “ how it should have been” and that’s not the reality. It’s when you see the reality will be the same next year and the year after that you realise it won’t work.
Can you stay in your property with your salary, UC if applicable and I assume your husband will pay child support ?
Tbh once you’re on your own you deal with it. And every success, whether financial, practical or emotional makes you more confident. I’ve been both divorced and widowed so completely different scenarios. I’m still standing.

I can only stay if my business picks up a bit. I only started it in September so relatively new. I think I will have to just find another extra way of making money in the meantime.
He has said he will pay child support and give as much as he can but needs to rent somewhere else so unsure how much he can afford yet. He has also said he will continue paying for my car which we got on PCP under his name and has a year left to pay for.

You're right - once I'm on my own I'm sure I will be able to just deal with it. I know I am quite capable in practical ways, I've been doing it alone a long time already! It's more the emotional side and loneliness I'm dreading.