Feel weird about ending things but know it’s for the best.

[Adviceneededplease1234]

Just want some reassurance I’ve done the right thing as have no one to ask in real life and you guys were so helpful last time I posted.

You can see my previous post that I was seeing someone on a casual basis and then it sort of ended up as a relationship which I didn’t think was right for me. Twice I’ve broken things off and then he has persuaded me to continue things on a casual basis but then started referring to me as his girlfriend again. I feel like it’s emotional blackmail like he is making all the decisions and I have no power.

I was previously in an abusive relationship for years and I find it hard to discuss my needs but this situation is very one sided and I realised I’m not getting anything out of it anymore. He also contacts me all the time and it feels suffocating.

Today I have messaged him to say I don’t want to continue things (again!) and to give me some space. I’ve said we can be friends (we will see each other regularly as go to the same events) but I don’t want the constant contact as I have a lot going on in my life with balancing life as a single parent with studying and working. I could see he was replying to me but I didn’t read it and I’ve set it to ignore his messages for now.

This sounds stupid but when do I check what he’s replied? I don’t want to be rude. It’s giving me anxiety not knowing what he has replied now. I feel like I have no idea how to handle these situations because of my history of being in an abusive relationship where everything was my fault and now I’m questioning everything and thinking I’m a bad person but I can’t stay in a relationship that is not making me happy with someone who is wrong for me.

Stop messaging him at all now and completely block him on all channels. Communicating with him keeps a door open that should remain closed. If he attempts to further make contact with you in any manner then contact the police. These types really do not take no for an answer easily if at all.

Your boundaries, already skewed by a past abusive relationship, are being further eroded by this individual now. It is not an uncommon scenario for people to leave one abuser for another one, albeit it of a different style, but abusive all the same. You should not have told him that you could be friends, again this shows how poor your own boundaries are.

Please look at the Freedom Programme online and preferably do this in person. Love your own self for a change and do not enter into any further relationship until you have done this. I would also suggest you contact Women’s Aid.

And stop thinking that you’re being rude or unkind because of innate social conditioning telling females that we have to be nice at all times, he has shown you no kindness or consideration whatsoever.

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat I needed to read that.

It’s so hard to force yourself to go against the thoughts in your head. I read your reply and I thought “well he can be nice” but then I used to think that about my ex who attacked me. I guess my boundaries are so low I think because he’s not physically abusive he must be ok. I know he is not the one for me though and the relationship does not make me happy.

I did the Freedom programme 5 years ago when I got divorced but I will do it again.

The trouble with blocking him is we have probably 50-60 mutual friends through the weekly event we go to which is a big part of my social life. I am worried what he would say to them about me if I did that. I know that sounds ridiculous. I maybe stupidly thought we could be just friends (we were friends before).

Last year I blocked a female friend who was utterly toxic and that was so hard to do (we were “friends” for 15 years but again a totally one sided friendship where I was dropping everything for her latest dramas). I don’t miss her at all and I feel so free. I know I need to do the same thing with this guy and I would have blocked him if I didn’t have to see him regularly in person.

You hit the nail on the head – you can’t stay in a relationship that’s not right for you.

Stop responding to him. You’ve given your reasons for ending it. That’s all you need to do.

If you do feel the need to read/reply to him then just thank him for his thoughts and that you’ve not changed your mind and he has to find a way of accepting that. No apologies. No need for further explanation.

Then, ignore/block/stop responding to anything further from him. (Remember how you felt after blocking your "friend"? same thing here.) Standing firm on your decision does not make you a bad person, it makes you a BETTER person.

It’s kind of being cruel to be kind. No relationship can end without someone’s feelings getting hurt. Be proud of yourself for respecting and standing up for YOUR boundaries, rather than worrying about whether you’re hurting him or not.

Of course, if you do secretly want to get back with him then carry on communicating with him and allowing him to win you over (again). On his terms (again). Against your better wishes (again).

Oh thank you @datingDinosaur that makes a lot of sense.

I definitely don’t want to keep communicating with him because to me it’s not genuine, any effort he is putting in now is to try to win me over. Of course sometimes I think “oh I’ll just message him this” but I know like with the toxic friend I blocked those feelings will pass.

What makes it hard is he is clever and says things to try to engage me in conversation, asks me how my child is (he is not their dad) or tells me something awful that’s happened to him that I then feel I need to say “oh no that’s bad what happened etc”. Or says “omg guess what happened today?” Etc etc. and it’s hard not to get dragged back into constant communication. I have very little child free time and I have given him all of it for the last 8 months and now I just want my life back.

You can block him, and mention to a carefully chosen handful of the 50 or 60 mutuals that 'Unfortunately, I then needed to block him'.

You need to block him for your own health. He's currently living rent free in your head.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

You need to block him for your own health. He's currently living rent free in your head.

Wow that is so true because I realise that every single day I have conversations in my head about him which give me anxiety.

@picklemewalnuts

You can block him, and mention to a carefully chosen handful of the 50 or 60 mutuals that 'Unfortunately, I then needed to block him'.

Yes this is a good idea and I think I’m going to have to do it.

Was he this communicative when you were together?

Yes, he might be clever for wording things to keep you talking to him (keep you dangling/on the backburner/keep HIM in YOUR mind). But you’re cleverer for recognising that’s what he’s doing and realising he’s not respecting your decision (which is what’s pissing you off).

You’ve given your reason for ending it. Stand firm. Don’t reply. Or say “I’m busy now, we can have a catch up next time we’re out with the gang” (or whatever). Repeat like a stuck record each time. I’m just suggesting this because of the mutual friendship circle, btw. Personally I would just ignore him now and do as picklemewalnuts says.

I checked and he replied a polite message to say he saw this coming, I’ve been quiet for days, I that have said I was “busy” but he thinks that’s an excuse, he’s glad I’ve finally told him. Etc etc

Was tempted to reply that I genuinely have had the busiest week of my life with work and my child is unwell but I guess that’s what he wants me to do.

He ended it by saying he will always think I’m wonderful and to wish him luck for a job interview he’s got.

I won’t be replying.

So he’s still trying to keep you dangling (with the wish me luck with the interview thing).

Good for you for not replying.

Oh, and he doesn’t have the monopoly on thinking you’re wonderful… someone who’s right for you will think you’re wonderful too

Thank you everyone for all the advice. He’s still messaging with things that he thinks I’ll be interested in but I will ignore.

I have enquired about doing the freedom programme again so will wait to hear about that.