Difficult marriage advice please

[trickytimes]

My long term marriage has always been difficult. We’re at the point now where we are trying to move positively forward but I can’t help thinking that my DH actually wants out and I really should be building up another life without him in order to protect myself. We haven’t had sex for almost a year and I’m at that point where I just can’t do it now because I need to feel protected/secure in order to do it. How do you move past this point? If I try and express how I feel to him then he shuts me down and gets angry which just makes the whole thing worse. I don’t know. Is it normal for it to be this difficult in a long term relationship? I know nothings ever perfect but is it normal to never be able to raise difficult topics/emotions/feelings without that then making things worse and never getting any resolution.
I’m starting to think that our marriage only ever worked because I was willing to never get my emotional needs met. How do you have conversations around this topic if the other person is always like a spiky porcupine and walks away?

"I know nothings ever perfect but is it normal to never be able to raise difficult topics/emotions/feelings without that then making things worse and never getting any resolution."

No its not normal at all. Its absolutely dysfunctional as well as abusive because he is stonewalling you at any and all opportunity. What is the point of you and he being together at all; are you with him now really out of habit and because you're afraid of him and have a fear of the unknown?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. It seems that you get nothing from it at all.

Was your own parents marriage like this?. What did you learn about relationships from childhood onwards?.

And I would think this is not how you want to be spending the rest of your days. I would seek legal advice re separation and divorce and rebuild your life without him.

My parents marriage was angry and non communicative. Not at all healthy and I never got any of my emotional needs met during my childhood. My husband is a good man but if we disagree (it’s been like this for many years) he can become rude and says awful things like name calling. I get that happens and it doesn’t bother some people but I need reassurance that those things aren’t actually true if that makes sense or an apology. He never smoothes things over or makes amends. It’s tricky to write what I mean. For example he’s said that he loves me but isn’t in love with me..that kind of thing, he then hugs me every day and says love you and wants me to reciprocate but when it comes to sex I’m remembering the “not in love with you” and the bad name calling…i then try and raise that by asking how do you truly feel. Where do I stand. I just want to know where I truly stand before I sleep with him but he then storms off and shuts me down. I’m just not sure if I’m being at all reasonable by wanting an honest emotional secure attachment and wanting some sort of feedback. Is it normal in other long term relationships to reassure each other? I don’t know. I never saw it growing up.

I’ve been looking into rebuilding my life but at my advanced age what’s the realistic chance of ever getting that kind of secure relationship that makes me feel wanted? From what I see and read most marriages are difficult in some way. He’s not a drinker, gambler or cheater so maybe I should just be grateful for that

@trickytimes

My parents marriage was angry and non communicative. Not at all healthy and I never got any of my emotional needs met during my childhood. My husband is a good man but if we disagree (it’s been like this for many years) he can become rude and says awful things like name calling. I get that happens and it doesn’t bother some people but I need reassurance that those things aren’t actually true if that makes sense or an apology. He never smoothes things over or makes amends. It’s tricky to write what I mean. For example he’s said that he loves me but isn’t in love with me..that kind of thing, he then hugs me every day and says love you and wants me to reciprocate but when it comes to sex I’m remembering the “not in love with you” and the bad name calling…i then try and raise that by asking how do you truly feel. Where do I stand. I just want to know where I truly stand before I sleep with him but he then storms off and shuts me down. I’m just not sure if I’m being at all reasonable by wanting an honest emotional secure attachment and wanting some sort of feedback. Is it normal in other long term relationships to reassure each other? I don’t know. I never saw it growing up.

Soooo… I think what has happened is.. you’re with someone who felt familiar to you.. he reminded you of the dynamic you witnessed with your mum and dad. The anger you speak about when you disagree and the verbal abuse he inflicts upon you as a result reminds me of what you wrote about your parents’ marriage. Second: the not in love with you and the name calling come into your mind when he is wanting physical closeness with you because that closeness requires you to be vulnerable and ‘open up’ to him… open up your heart, and body. But your mind doesn’t want to because his behaviour breaches trust. And to have sex and be physically close to someone requires trust-which he by his behaviour towards you -has broken. You are no fool. Your mind is telling you THIS IS ALL WRONG! Lastly, he is trying to control you and you know that because of the question you ask him: ‘Whete do I stand’? No one, no one on this planet has the right to behave the way he feels he can. You are walking on eggshells because you don’t know what you’re going to get. It’s classic abuse with him going from one end ‘ I love you’ to awful yelling and name calling. Your job now is to figure out your boundaries as they are there but not strong and they need strengthening. Have a look at the Freedom Programme. Enroll. Take the steps needed to free yourself of this miserable abusive person who deliberately inflicts pain upon you. You will be happy xx

If this is what things are like after such a long time I would divorce him. Have you tried counselling? If he is willing to go it might be worth doing first. If not, end it. This is no life. You’d be better off on your own, meeting your own emotional needs. A relationship isn’t everything.

How old are you OP?

Perfectly natural to not want to sleep with someone who you do not feel safe with.

You and your mind are behaving correctly, he on the other hand has ruined your relationship and should not even been asking for sex.

Does he want or ask for sex?

Leave him and have sex with someone else, someone who makes you feel safe.
I'd rather never have sex again if it meant I had to be intimate with an abuser.

You know he's a twat, sometimes you just can't mend things.

I’ve been looking into rebuilding my life but at my advanced age what’s the realistic chance of ever getting that kind of secure relationship that makes me feel wanted?

There is nothing worse than being in a dysfunctional, emotionally devoid marriage. Being single is infinitely better. Please leave this man.

You have to make a choice op.

You know realistically he will be wanting to have sex with someone, he probably bases the relationship on sex anyway as he doesn't see the need to connect with you emotionally. The boards on here show how many men are in this situation unable to see that the predicament they are in is precisely their doing.

You have explained your view perfectly and your op should be a template for men not understanding how their sex lives have dissapeared within a marriage.

You also sound like he has hurt you a lot.

You know that choice is may change the 'cheater' aspect that you are grateful for. Many women have this dilemma.

What do you want op?