Hurt by "friend"/ colleague

[Devo1818]

DH, 2xDC and I have had Covid and have been isolating. We have now all thankfully had negative tests are so are due back at work and school tomorrow. We have been isolating for 8 days, today is day 9.

I thought I was friends with a woman at work. We have a mutual friend outside of work and when she started in my department we got close, often had lunch together and chatted a lot throughout the day (as much as a busy job allows!)

She went through a bad break up last summer, had a bad experience in the autumn and has been in a new relationship since around October. She had a tough childhood and has recently started engaging in therapy.

She has confided in me about all of this and I have very much been there for her, listened a lot, given advice when asked, and generally been really supportive. We used to spend time together outside of work but since the mutual friend moved away we haven't. We arranged to go for a drink one Friday after work and I arranged childcare, but she cancelled on the day as she was too hungover.

She hasn't contacted me once while I have been ill. I messaged her mid week asking how work is and she didn't reply. I feel like our friendship is really one sided. Like, at work she offloads on me but as soon as she leaves work she speaks to her real friends and I don't exist. And when I have had a tough week being ill and isolating with 2 poorly kids, she has been silent.

My question is - do I just accept that we are colleagues, not friends and therefore she has done nothing wrong so act normal?
Or do I have a right to be a bit hurt and either mention it (even in a jokey way) or just withdraw my support from now on?

If it was me I'd step back and just keep things professional.

"I feel like our friendship is really one sided."
It certainly looks that way from what you have written. So balance it up. Be as supportive of her as she is of you. Or, as IncompleteSenten put it, "step back and just keep things professional. She's not a friend, just a colleague.

You need to be much less available for "offloading".

I too would suggest you step back, keep things professional. Message to front of brain - colleague, not good friend.

Colleagues are rarely true friends

I agree with PP

Personally I don't think I'd bother mentioning anything, it doesn't sound like there is much to salvage and it could make your working relationship awkward in the future.

I'd be relatively friendly and professional but not really engage in anything outside work unless it suits you on the day

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I agree with PP

Personally I don't think I'd bother mentioning anything, it doesn't sound like there is much to salvage and it could make your working relationship awkward in the future.

I'd be relatively friendly and professional but not really engage in anything outside work unless it suits you on the day

Yes I think I agree with this - just gradually withdraw, not worth making an issue of it as she probably won't even see what she did wrong.

This is all good and unanimous advice, thank you!

@IBloodyLoveMichaelJackson

Colleagues are rarely true friends

I think this is true- or more that they are location specific friends Ie at work you chat a lot but when that work is gone, Less so

@IBloodyLoveMichaelJackson

Colleagues are rarely true friends

3 of my closest friends are People I worked with 30 Year’s Ago!!!!

@IncompleteSenten

If it was me I'd step back and just keep things professional.

And me. This is why I do not have work friendships. I have two really good friends, both of whom I met at work, but we only became close once we no longer worked together.

We arranged to go for a drink one Friday after work and I arranged childcare, but she cancelled on the day as she was too hungover.

Are you saying she was hungover all that Friday at work? Turned up at work with a hangover?

@IBloodyLoveMichaelJackson

Colleagues are rarely true friends

This, with bells on. A friend would ask more then once how you are while you are ill. This woman is not your friend. Stop listening to her issues and disengage.

I’m friendly and supportive with colleagues at work but I’m totally disinterested in pursuing a real friendship outside of work. It’s nice to be friendly in work but it’s not real friendships for me. Maybe she’s just doing that? I would withdraw a little, she doesn’t see your relationship the way you do.

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron

We arranged to go for a drink one Friday after work and I arranged childcare, but she cancelled on the day as she was too hungover.

Are you saying she was hungover all that Friday at work? Turned up at work with a hangover?

Yes, she managed to work fine but was too tired by the end of the day.

Yes, and I am very fortunate that I have had friends/family check in with me daily.

As much as it hasn't been a nice feeling, I'm glad I have had this reality check really. No need to waste any more time or headspace.

@Cherrysoup

I’m friendly and supportive with colleagues at work but I’m totally disinterested in pursuing a real friendship outside of work. It’s nice to be friendly in work but it’s not real friendships for me. Maybe she’s just doing that? I would withdraw a little, she doesn’t see your relationship the way you do.

She isn't really doing that, she has confided in me some pretty big, heavy things. Like from her childhood, past relationships. It goes beyond work friend stuff. But equally we (as well as others in the office) do have a laugh and just normal chatting and it makes the working environment nicer. So I think I need to stick with that and, as you say, withdraw from the other stuff because it is one way.

I said rarely not never

How you feel is how you feel, you definitely have a right to it. And yes, run the relationship different, it’s not working for you as it is.
It’s always disappointing when people don’t reciprocate, but since prone just don’t see when they are taking so have no idea they need to give. I avoid them.
Sorry you’ve been stung.

@grapewine

You need to be much less available for "offloading".

This. ^