Work on myself - how?

[CaramelMacchiatto]

Just need some recommendations please. I feel like I need/want to do some work on myself on the following:

1. How to love myself, find happiness within
2. Relax a bit more, be able to let go of the small things in everyday life (in order to improve my relationship with my DH and adult children), appreciate small things rather than focus on the negatives
3. Find my own worth (as atm what the others think of me presents a quite high value in my own eyes: a quick explanation: I very often flirt with the attractive men or rather respond to their flirting with me, and then feel like I must be attractive enough if they flirt with me. It can be a real adrenaline kick for me. Which feels great but it's not very appropriate for a middle aged married woman...)

I just want to be a better, happier person. I know there's tonnes of literature out there but would really appreciate something that worked for you guys here, something easily written (without the psychological jargon) that can help me with my inner struggles.

Apologies if this topic has been put in the wrong place. Thank you in advance 😊

I wish I had all the answers, but I suggest counting your blessings. Eg before you get out of bed in the morning, think of the things that day you can look forward to. Think small. Also put a positive twist on less pleasant things, such as 'I'm not looking forward to that work meeting but I'm looking forward to this evening when it will be over and in the past'. Then before going to sleep at night, review the day in the same way 'I had a lovely soak in the bath / that meeting went better than I expected / I got a walk in at lunch time'.

It makes you focus on the positive, and you then start to notice those things more while they're happening.

Second thinking small!

For me, what really helps is little rituals that don't benefit anyone other than myself but that I actively define and treat as "investments in myself". My own include a morning routine with a cup of coffee followed by some yoga, and a Sunday evening bath. These are just for me. It genuinely makes me feel better about myself to be someone I deliberately spend time on and whose needs I will prioritise as much as anyone else's.

Honestly, I came here today to start or search for almost exactly this thread!

I realised yesterday that I'm unhealthily dependent on other people's approval. Especially my DH's. I'm like a huge bag of neediness. 😱

I'm currently taking steps to regain my independence within my marriage... but when I take positive steps, I'm still really delighted when DH notices and compliments them.

For example, I developed driving anxiety and stopped driving my car. Recently I took a confidence-building lesson with a lovely instructor and have been driving every day since. The other day I got up early and drove to a shop to collect something, and when DH noticed that he said "I'm really impressed," and I LIT UP inside. He's obviously lovely, but I'm scared I'd be wrecked if we ever split up because I'm so invested in his opinion of me.

I've been divorced before and honestly I loved it. Loved just being "me". So when I met my now DH, I was a happy, busy, sociable, popular woman doing her own thing and not caring what anyone thought. I had all my own views, likes, hobbies and confidence. Ten years on, I'm now like the woman I was in my first marriage. Meek, needy, clingy. ARGH.

I bought a book years ago called something like, "Loving him without losing you" but never read it. I might dig it out.

Thank you lovelies for your replies. AlbertBridge I'll definitely check your book suggestion as I think sometimes I suffocate my DH with my clinginess and neediness. I hope it's not too late to change things 😊

In a small way you've already started the process. Something inside you has recognised the identity you've created and the fact you dislike this identity.
I would recommend 'The Power of Now' by Eckart Tolle as a starter. Secondly commence mindful meditation classes.

Do something that makes you feel good about yourself. For me it was swimming. I've been a committed non exerciser my whole life, tried but just hated all of that sweaty painful business! But swimming really stuck, I love it, and the challenge and gradual progression in my performance is great for my mind. The bonus is my body has changed, looks leaner and better which is a confidence boost to boot. I feel pretty good.
Any new hobby might have similar benefits for your mental health.
Secondly I try and practise personal growth. This one's a bit harder! Coming from a place of being naturally anxious, controlling and angry (sound lovely don't I!), I have taken enormous strides to just try and do better. If I get something wrong, overreact, get angry unnecessarily etc I just take a look at my reaction, don't wallow in guilt but aim to just do it differently the next time a similar situation arises. I also apologise when necessary, to my kids and partner. That's hard so the aim of doing better eliminates the need to do that too often 😁 I don't always get it right, far from it but just forging forward, knowing that I'm slowly growing has been a tremendous boost toy overall view of myself.
Thirdly setting boundaries. I think I felt stressed by the small stuff because I felt out of control of the big stuff. Setting boundaries about things that really matter to you is hard but if you can do it you can feel like you've taken back a bit of control if that's what you need. Learning to say no is wonderful!
Not sure if this helps OP, but it's working for me 🙂

Donutsforbreakfast thank you, it's very helpful! I actually do have a hobby, it's running for me. Keeps me fit and mentally healthy. Unfortunately it's not quite able to give me the life balance... Personal growth is exactly what I'm after and your suggestions are great. I will definitely take them in board 🙂

This is a great thread op, thank you for starting it.

I have been working on myself for the past year or so and I'm watching this thread with interest.

Gratitude is definitely worth doing - I haven't done it for a while but I keep a gratitude journal - small things, things I like - it has helped with a sense of identity too.

Also, cutting back on the horrible, critical self talk - I was doing this without realising it (I had to concentrate on my thoughts). This was a real revelation to me. Being gentler to myself has definitely helped me be less stressed and I'm treating myself so much better these days.

Then came the realisation that I have been an absolute people pleaser. I think the perimenopause has helped me see that the person I need to please most is me. This has led me to explore what it is I want/don't want. I have a list of a few things I want to try and I'm hoping to meet more like-minded people via trying these things. I am definitely better now at setting boundaries and it feels liberating.

Practically, I am taking more excercise and tackling my binge eating issue (linked to emotions) by trying to slowly alter diet/and or diverting myself. There is still work to do but I have a plan and I'm on a good path with this.

Indulging in my creativity. I have completed a couple of large projects and I have found a few things I love, love, love to do and want to try other things.

I am also in the late stages of launching a small business. I will never grow rich from it and I am fortunate to be in a position to give it a try financially but it feels absolutely wonderful and empowering and even if it doesn't work, I have enjoyed the process so much after being stuck in corporate type jobs for years.

My sticking point is relationships. I have a number of issues here. I don't want to go into it but it feels as if this is the area I have least control over. I suppose I'm hoping it will fall into place the more I progress with getting to know myself. I feel I have woken up after a very long slumber, just sorry it has taken so long.

Sorry for the epic post!

I've been doing a lot of self reflection in the last 12-18 months and the one book that has really stood out for me is Catherine Gray - The unexpected Joy of the Ordinary. I found it so useful to really work out what is important in my life. I've recommended it to all my friends.

School of Life by Alain de Botton.
There's also a YouTube page with loads of short videos by them.

Thank you both. I'm a massive people pleaser myself. Unfortunately however only for my colleagues and strangers. At home I'm quite critical and negative, sometimes. Not very pleasant to be around recently... So your suggestions to focus on simple positives is so good. I've achieved good things and have a great family, so much to be grateful for. It's high time to realise that and make a start. I strongly feel that is the way to improve my life and the relationship with my loved ones.

I already bought the recommended book "Loving him without losing you", I'm also planning to get the one by Catherine Gray as sounds good.

Abookofpeace, how did your start your journey of positivity and appreciation of small things? Did you get any literature about it or did you do it just by yourself? I think it's probably easier once your brain is programmed that way but not so easy to start with...

Meditation! Of course! Thanks Mysticguru, I've done some in the past, not a lot but is always helped to calm my mind. I'm my busy life I completely forgot about it's existence 🤦‍♀️

Look up Brene Brown. Lots of podcasts and book that are really helpful.

Very simple one.

When strange men chat you up, remind yourself that they are doing so because you are just the woman in their vicinity at that moment. It's nothing about you.

Personally, I don't find it flattering at all. Many of them are married and don't care about your status.

Road2nowhere thank you, I most definitely will.

WhiteHearts I really want this to be my case too. I think once I'm this positive and appreciative person I want to be, with the right mechanisms well established, I will be able to just ignore the unwanted attention and focus on what matters to me in life.

Thank you all ❤️

I totally hear you on wanting approval from men, although in my case it's not about them trying to flirt or compliment my appearance - it's more them praising some work I've done, or how clever I am, or - the worst - "you're not like most women".

That's the one I knee jerk to the most, and I know it's rooted in my upbringing. My dad was cold, critical, hated women - I only ever got approval and praise from him when I didn't act "like a silly girl".

I remember him once saying at the dinner table "Furiosa is the clever one and DSis is the pretty one." I think I'd have been about 10 and DSis 7. Myself and DSis have discussed it and she feels it's responsible for her needing validation for her appearance to a startling degree. I still find it very difficult to be seen as" not clever".

I haven't seen my dad for over 30 years thank goodness (he was also physically and sexually abusive) but I've definitely found myself less seeking of men's approval since cutting my mum out of my life 6yrs ago. She was emotionally abusive and enabled my dad's abuse.

So if there are people in your life who leave you feeling drained and emotionally unwell, it's okay to fade them out.

I also agree with meditation being helpful to start the day, and when I go to bed I like to think of 3 positives that happened today. Even small shit like "I did the washing up" - it's better than NOT doing the washing up, right!

Two main things have helped me to be more comfortable and confident about who I am, and worry less about who others want me to be. The first is a group of things I can do for myself, like mindfulness, gratitude journal, self-reflection (and I agree that, just by starting the thread and thinking about making changes, you gave taken a great first step).

The second is therapy. A supportive place to think about my worst fears, faults, acts……for me, getting them out and looking at them has stopped me beating myself up about them. I understand more about me, and I somehow have permission to look after me.

As am example of how difficult I find it to be "not clever", a few years ago there was a meme going around Facebook - one of those riddles where the obvious answer is not right. And if you answer wrong, the "rule" was that you had to post the same riddle with "I GOT IT WRONG" at the start.

Well obviously you can guess, I got it wrong (although would still defend my answer!) I then had a massive anxiety attack and considered a) blocking and deleting the friend who posted it, then realises we had mutual friends who would KNOW MY SHAME. So then b) I seriously considered deleting my whole Facebook account.

That's the trap I was in. So desperate for people's approval/admiration that I could not handle the idea of people seeing that I'd got a riddle wrong - even though riddles like that are designed to trick you!

Thankfully these days I am not so concerned and am able to react more healthily eg "Doh! Didn't get this one!" rather than spinning out into "OMG I'm so stupid, how could I have been so thick" etc.

Do the Mindful Self-compassion course. It's a great way to develop the kindness and acceptance of self that is needed to handle the more challenging aspects of personal development and transformation. I wish it had existed when I first began my journey.