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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Totally ignored - what would you do?

21 replies

Redberries85 · 30/01/2022 09:10

I go to a charity run exercise class and we have a lovely small group and have all become friends, chat on our group chat etc. The instructor invited the group to an event late last year and I was only one who could go and it was definitely mainly both of our interests. We had a great day but he was really anxious and I could tell he felt nervous, not like his usual self. Anyway things cooled down as I had just been going through a break up a little time before it.

We’ve kept messages much more professional now and don’t text about anything personal. However he had become really flirty in class with me again recently . Wanting to impress me with work stuff, giving me compliments etc.

The 2nd event that followed on from first event is next weekend, so yesterday I messaged asking him if he is free to go. He has literally aired me and not opened up the message on WhatsApp. I can see he’s been online since.

Feeling so foolish now and really wish I hadn’t suggested it. Am too embarrassed even to return to class next week even though it was helping me so much with mental health and getting fitness back. What would you do? I hate feeling foolish

OP posts:

LittleWins · 30/01/2022 09:14

OP, you sound lovely and I would have invited him too. Feeling foolish is hard to shake off but you should be proud of yourself for having courage

He’s blowing hot & cold so I suggest you write this emotionally unstable fella off.

layladomino · 30/01/2022 09:16

I would send a follow up message along the lines of 'Please ignore my last message. Just realised I have other plans . My diary is getting too hectic to keep on top of at the moment!!'

You've saved face. You've told him you have LOADS going on and he is just a small part of your wonderful, busy life.

LittleWins · 30/01/2022 09:19

Tbh I would never believe that PP.

Original poster

Redberries85 · 30/01/2022 09:21

Thank you guys, yes think he does seem unstable and giving me mixed messages.just wish I had kept my mouth shut so I can still attend class! Just don’t understand why he couldn’t reply sorry, I’m not free next weekend instead of making this so awkward now. Weird!

I don’t think I can conjure up the courage to text him again, think I’ll just leave it

OP posts:

BigButtons · 30/01/2022 09:22

I would go but act as if nothing has gone on before.

Natty13 · 30/01/2022 09:34

@layladomino

I would send a follow up message along the lines of 'Please ignore my last message. Just realised I have other plans

. My diary is getting too hectic to keep on top of at the moment!!'

You've saved face. You've told him you have LOADS going on and he is just a small part of your wonderful, busy life.

This is so cringe and anyone with half a brain would see through it immediately.

Best thing to do is nothing. Go to your class, act as if you are not embarrassed. I have embarrassed myself this way many, many times in my life and somehow along the way acting as if I am not dying of shame inside has turned into me not having to fake it because I actually don't feel embarrassed any more. It becomes easier to brush it off.

Also, it has only been 24h. I dont get this MN obsession with people texting back immediately. He might well be waiting to hear back from a friend about confirming loose plans they had pencilled in that weekend, and if the friend cancels or postpones he will know of he is free? You just don't know.

Original poster

Redberries85 · 30/01/2022 09:41

Yes I’ll wait a bit more, he’s just usually quick at responding. I just think it’s disrespectful to leave someone hanging. He did do it once before when I was waiting to hear back if he could collect something for the studio. He then brought it up in class to me and said sorry he had only just seen the message before class. It turns out his boss didn’t want it there but he obviously didn’t have the courage to message me to say that. Should have seen the red flags then… he’s a coward and pretends he hasn’t seen it

OP posts:

layladomino · 30/01/2022 09:43

Whatever you decide to do, don't let it stop you doing something you love doing.

But maybe keep him at a distance if he blows hot and cold.

layladomino · 30/01/2022 09:45

@Natty13 Yeah I get that he might see through it. But I hoped he'd see it as she was uninviting him in a polite way, which is a better look than 'I want to date you and you're ignoring me'

It's been a while and I'm rusty

trickytimes · 30/01/2022 09:50

He’s a coward and flakey. Bin. Put your mind to not wanting him anymore. Go to your class but he’s now just an instructor. I have sent loads of whatsapp messages that have been ignored like this. It always means they want to say no but don’t have the bottle to do that. Assume it’s no. Go to the class and just be as normal but avoid hanging out with him one to one. Don’t let him ruin this for you

Onthefloor2 · 30/01/2022 09:51

I wouldn’t worry, you’re just a human.

Go to class, pretend nothing happened.
If he mentions it just say “don’t worry, just seeing if you wanted to go”. End of conversation, don’t justify it.

Enjoy your class

Original poster

Redberries85 · 30/01/2022 09:58

Yes I’ll try and see if I can go back and not act hurt. Might just have a week away. I honestly thought it looked like a friendship invite as we’ve been before as friends, oh well, got that wrong. It’s his flirting that has blurred the lines

OP posts:

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 30/01/2022 10:56

Maybe he doesn't have an answer yet and is waiting to see if the plans he already had for that weekend are still going ahead before replying.

You haven't asked him out. Just asked if he would like to do an event you did together again.

Maybe he already had plans to go to the event with someone else and he's waiting on a reply from them about whether it's okay to include you too?

Please don't stop doing an activity you enjoy because of this.

LittleWins · 30/01/2022 12:24

100% please still do this activity. I would carry on as usual. He might refer to your message again and I would just act like it was nothing.

One thing is for sure his cowardice behaviour is not about you. He’s just a bit of a man child & I imagine does similar to everyone.

Sparky888 · 30/01/2022 12:49

Maybe he is juggling other plans so doesn’t have an answer yet.

Don’t feel embarrassed - you did a totally normal thing, and whether he goes or doesn’t, doesn’t affect that/your action. You asked, he will eventually answer. Nothing wrong with that!

Original poster

Redberries85 · 30/01/2022 15:36

Thank you all, just feeling really silly, especially as the message hasn’t even been opened up on WhatsApp. Oh well, some people pretend they’re decent and kind when they’re not. Just really immature but I’ll probably try and go back with head held high, hopefully

OP posts:

IncompleteSenten · 30/01/2022 15:45

Do you have the numbers of anyone in the class?
I'd message them asking if they were going.
If not, ask them in the class.

That way, you weren't asking HIM, you were asking people about attending an event.

Original poster

Redberries85 · 30/01/2022 15:49

It was definitely a shared interest only between us so wouldn’t make sense to invite others now that we’ve gone alone, if that makes sense. He definitely posted it originally for me mainly. He even brought it up the other week so it’s not like I’ve asked totally out the blue

OP posts:

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 30/01/2022 15:51

Argh, why do people blow hot and cold like this?? How annoying. You have done nothing wrong here; it's him who can't communicate like an adult.

Go to your class, be breezy, say hello to him but no more.

SunflowerTed · 30/01/2022 22:40

He is the one who should be
Embarrassed by not
Having the Common decency
To reply

Original poster

Redberries85 · 30/01/2022 22:48

Yes can’t believe how cowardly people can be, really shocks me that these are grown adults. It’s so easy to reply and say you’re busy

OP posts:

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