Post partum hormones or do I really hate him??

[Spyrothedragon666]

I'm so confused and feel I can't talk to anyone about this. I've been with my partner just short of 3 years and we had our baby in April 2022. The red flags started during pregnancy, he didn't pick up any housework, didn't take me to my midwife appointments (he drives I don't), wouldn't take over responsibility of cleaning (his) cats litter tray so I had to do that for the full 9 months. I was never able to have any mood swings or be grumpy without him telling me how unreasonable I was being, I mean, do you not get any sort of allowance for being pregnant?
Anyway, baby is 10 months now and he's the best thing in the world, he makes me so happy. My partner however I just don't know how I feel about him anymore. I feel so disappointed in the way he has been for the first 10 months of our baby's life, he has never once gotten up with him through the night or gotten up with him when he gets up at 5/6am, he doesn't spend enough time with him during the day for me to get a nap, I think he averages about an hour and a half a day with him. Despite us having a couple of arguements since baby was born, mainly about how I am dying for help, but somehow I always end up apologising and nothing changes. I really don't understand how this happens, it's usually not until a bit later that I'm like...what the hell just happened? I'm on sertraline and beta blockers for MH, I always found a good scream into a pillow helped loosen any tension I was feeling but I've been told that I am 'out of control' for doing that so...All he seems to care about is sex as well, baby got moved into his own room at 4 months because he 'couldnt take anymore' - I have had absolutely no interest in sex since having my baby and still don't, I still do it from time time because it must be shit for him obviously, but i just feel like it is the most important thing to him and he feels so sorry for himself that he isn't getting it multiple times a week anymore.

We bought a house together last year too, and his dad put a lot of money in to help us so I would have to be the one to leave if it came to that.

I'm just really confused, I feel like I hate him right now. But I keep thinking maybe it'll go away it could just be hormones, I keep reading that the hardest time on your relationship is the first 18 months after you have baby so I keep thinking maybe I should try and hold out till then to see if my feelings improve, but then the other side of my brain says that baby might understand more if it gets to 18 months and we split up?

I know this was a long one but I've been dying to talk to someone for weeks and I don't know where else I can go to just hear...Normal opinions?
x

He sounds as if he had no idea what having a child actually means. He was selfish during your pregnancy (I cannot understand a man letting his pregnant partner change the cat litter like that!), and is selfish now that he's a father. He won't change just because you want him to. He's one of life's selfish gits and probably always will be.

Tell him that he either shapes up or you and baby ship out. Do you have anyone you could go and stay with, or do you need to get somewhere to go sorted out before you leave him?

I wouldn't stay - he expects a house servant, a nanny (for hmself as well as the child he somehow doesn't seem to realise is his son), sex on demand and to take no responsibilities within his family. Nope, I wouldn't stay.

Just to add - I knew immediately after his birth that my ExDH was going to be an absolutely crap dad, and useless within the family. I hung on until DS was 2 years old and things got no better, so I asked ExDh to leave. Life was instantly much easier! He never changed. TOld me he'd lose his job before he paid maintenance, never once took his son out or played with him, or had parental contact.

I don’t think this is anything to do with your hormones, it’s all to do with his selfishness and immaturity.
Did you discuss having a baby before you conceived? Did he seem to have a grasp of what being a father would mean?
His lack of interest seems to have started early on, not going to ante natal appointments with you. He should have been cleaning the cat litter tray due to the risk to the baby.
Would a reality check make him step up —- either he becomes an active father or you leave. Then you ‘ve given him the chance to change.

He was not bothered during your pregnancy and he certainly is not bothered about either you or baby now. Whose surname does this child have, yours or his?.

He is not going to shape up; this is who he is and has been all along.

It’s not going to get better.
Quietly get yourself in a position to leave.
Do you have your own bank account with child benefit paid into it ?
Do you know where you would go ?
Is your name on the deeds of the house ?

OP it is not your hormones. Please don't take that as an answer for his appalling behaviour. He has checked out and won't change. Get out before your resentment grows so much more, it is really bad for your MH. Good luck!

He was useless when you were pregnant and he’s a useless dad (and a sex pest to boot). That’s 19 mo that of uselessness in a not quite 3 month relationship. I don’t think your hormones are the problem here.

*three year! Get your ducks in a row if you can, I don’t think it will get better.

He must be a bit thick if he doesn't know that cat poo is dangerous to pregnant women.

He won't get any better and you will never forget his behaviour in your babies first months.

Having a child does tend to change things in a relationship and seems to have highliyed your DP's true colours! Sounds like you need to be straight with him and see if he steps up.

He already has a 6 year old boy from a previous relationship, and it was him who kinda talked me into the baby thing, it was never something I had really thought about for myself in the past, what a laugh eh?! Obviously so glad I did it as baby is my favourite thing in the world!

I have places I can go yeah, my name is on the house as is his, but I know it would just be a massive fight about it which I don't want, I'd rather just go to my mum's than fight.

I really appreciate your responses x

Does he see his other child?

I don't think he will get better, you knew him less than 2 years before pregnancy so this is who he is. How old is he?

I suspect he will just repeat this pattern,charm a woman for a year, persuade her to have a child and then treat her badly when he thinks she has no options.

I'm glad you have support with your mum.

You have a right to whatever percentage of it is in your name. Think about your child’s and your financial future.