Dating again after a 16 year relationship

[JohnnyP3n]

So. After 16 years and three children later with my partner, we are going through a (thankfully amicable) divorce. One flashpoint a year ago had led to me moving out. Was left with some major trust and insecurity/paranoia issues. But good counselling, great friends, and medication saved me.

Now we’re almost finalised with the divorce, the kids are happy and we’re moving on. I joined a dating app and met someone, and we’ve progressively formed a serious relationship over the last few months.

The issue I’m facing, however, is suppressing my instincts of jealousy and neediness. So far I haven’t let it show but as our feelings for each other become more and more intense, I’m beginning to feel more and more stressed about the situation.

I’ve never been a jealous person but the flashpoint last year has created a tonne of emotions that I’m having a hard time dealing with.

On the face of it I should be so happy - amazing children, and a new relationship that is pretty much perfect - but I’m still massively anxious. Help!

I can't understand this, the fear of cheating and abandonment, especially if you've discovered something along those lines in the past. There isn't anything to completely stop those feelings and when you're in a new relationship you are yet to find out more about them until you trust them more. You can't control how someone treats you but you can control the situation if the worst was the to happen by leaving them. There is no guarantee a relationship will last it's a chance we take.
I would possibly scale the relationship back a bit? Why be so full on if it's only a couple of months, just enjoy each other's company without the pressure.

*I Can

First thing I’ll say is that a year after a 16 year relationship is still very soon. Whilst you think you’re ok, you’re still very vulnerable and will be reeling emotionally from the divorce/ event that caused said divorce. You won’t see that right now but in a few more years you will. So of course these feelings are coming up, they are incredibly raw.

Second of all? It’s good that you can see what’s happening and tbh I think you have a few choices.

But first, when you say you’re feeling needy and jealous? Over what? How are these feelings arising? Whats happening in the relationship that is causing these?

It’s really important I think that you isolate what feelings are happening in response to what actions/ events. Are these feelings disproportionate to the trigger? Or are you actually starting to have a gut response to slight red flags?

@sassbott

First thing I’ll say is that a year after a 16 year relationship is still very soon. Whilst you think you’re ok, you’re still very vulnerable and will be reeling emotionally from the divorce/ event that caused said divorce. You won’t see that right now but in a few more years you will. So of course these feelings are coming up, they are incredibly raw.

Second of all? It’s good that you can see what’s happening and tbh I think you have a few choices.

But first, when you say you’re feeling needy and jealous? Over what? How are these feelings arising? Whats happening in the relationship that is causing these?

It’s really important I think that you isolate what feelings are happening in response to what actions/ events. Are these feelings disproportionate to the trigger? Or are you actually starting to have a gut response to slight red flags?

So for context, she's 14 years my junior and very sociable with a great network of friends and a busy social life. She also has close male friends, some of whom she's slept with in the past and I'm probably comparing myself to them? I am conscious that she chose me and I'm not going to judge her sexual history (I'm hardly one to talk) so it's more that I'm jealous of the time she spends with friends instead of me. And that leads to neediness, from a POV of me wanting her to put me first and see me at every possible opportunity (which is clearly irrational and unfair!)

Also, no red flags. She's been completely transparent about her life and how she feels

A case in point: we haven't seen each other for almost a week (so long I know...) and miss each other like crazy, but today she was a possible opportunity to catch up after lunch but she opted to catch up with friends instead. My first instinct was to be upset at not being prioritised but I soon realised that we'd always agreed that the relationship works because we have lives outside of each other, and that she should spend time with friends. I guess I'm just overly sensitive atm?

It’s good that you recognise the problem as yours and I think it’s really important that you don’t turn your issues around ‘neediness and jealousy’ into hers. That can be a horrible place for a woman to be. Have you had counselling about the break up and reasons for it? Would you consider having it to talk about your feelings now?

@dopple

I can't understand this, the fear of cheating and abandonment, especially if you've discovered something along those lines in the past. There isn't anything to completely stop those feelings and when you're in a new relationship you are yet to find out more about them until you trust them more. You can't control how someone treats you but you can control the situation if the worst was the to happen by leaving them. There is no guarantee a relationship will last it's a chance we take. I would possibly scale the relationship back a bit? Why be so full on if it's only a couple of months, just enjoy each other's company without the pressure.

Agreed. It does sometimes feel like we're going too fast (esp so soon after a separation). But as I have my children every other week that's been a great way of slowing things down and forcing us to have lives outside of each other. But we've just come out of three weeks together which was amazing, and I think has led to an intensification of feelings. So that might explain why my feelings have been cranked up a notch?

Seems like you are two different types of people. She is obviously not needy and you are…I’d be cautious, as I think you could be in for a heartbreak. You would be better off with another needy type of person

Ok. So she’s in a very different place to you. I presume the way you describe her, she has no children etc and is in a very different stage of her life. Do you see any form of future with her? Or is this just dating/ a fling?

Without knowing too much more, neediness and jealousy will be a huge turn off for her. Someone this much younger won’t be seeking to resolve your insecurity (apologies for the vast sweeping statement based on the little you’ve given).

As a female I have recently started seeing younger men. Just dinners at this stage. Here’s my observations. They are in different places in their lives. I was there too myself and I recognise it.
As a result here’s how I am approaching it.

I am not looking for anything committed or serious with such significant age gaps. Nor do I wish to see them too much. I myself have a fairly full life between children, work, friends etc. i am most definitely not going to compare myself to women they have dated who are 10-20 years younger than me. Why would I? They are gorgeous in a different way to me. I don’t look like a twenty something, they don’t have the life experience of a 40 something. Horses for courses.

Back off, get busy yourself. Lighten up. She is with you for a reason. And treat this as early fling/ romance territory. If it turns into more so be it, but this is too much too soon. Back off.

@MsJaneAusten

It’s good that you recognise the problem as yours and I think it’s really important that you don’t turn your issues around ‘neediness and jealousy’ into hers. That can be a horrible place for a woman to be. Have you had counselling about the break up and reasons for it? Would you consider having it to talk about your feelings now?

Thanks. Yes, I've had a regular therapist for a while now who was present before and after the break up and he's been great. We also had marriage counselling which didn't quite go as well, but was still beneficial.

@Onthefloor2

Seems like you are two different types of people. She is obviously not needy and you are…I’d be cautious, as I think you could be in for a heartbreak. You would be better off with another needy type of person

Funnily enough she's mentioned her vulnerabilities to me - worried that my children will hate her or intimidated by my history with my ex - so in some ways we're both a bit insecure. I'm just really looking for a way to put these feelings to bed and get back to where I was a month ago.

@sassbott

Ok. So she’s in a very different place to you. I presume the way you describe her, she has no children etc and is in a very different stage of her life. Do you see any form of future with her? Or is this just dating/ a fling?

Without knowing too much more, neediness and jealousy will be a huge turn off for her. Someone this much younger won’t be seeking to resolve your insecurity (apologies for the vast sweeping statement based on the little you’ve given).

As a female I have recently started seeing younger men. Just dinners at this stage. Here’s my observations. They are in different places in their lives. I was there too myself and I recognise it.
As a result here’s how I am approaching it.

I am not looking for anything committed or serious with such significant age gaps. Nor do I wish to see them too much. I myself have a fairly full life between children, work, friends etc. i am most definitely not going to compare myself to women they have dated who are 10-20 years younger than me. Why would I? They are gorgeous in a different way to me. I don’t look like a twenty something, they don’t have the life experience of a 40 something. Horses for courses.

Back off, get busy yourself. Lighten up. She is with you for a reason. And treat this as early fling/ romance territory. If it turns into more so be it, but this is too much too soon. Back off.

So, further context: happily married for 16 years but last year my wife began spending a lot of time with a lesbian friend of ours. Started with lunch, coffees, then dinner, parties, clubbing, and getting drunk and staying over. She'd essentially checked out of our family for long periods of time, would roll in the next morning as if nothing had happened, and began lying about where she'd been (I'd always find out she was with this other woman). So breakdown in trust, I started checking her phone (had never done that before) and the lies continued. She'd apologise but then do it again. So we were left with no option than to separate unfortunately. Hated the way I felt about myself so separation seemed the best way out.

As for current gf, there's talk of us moving in together and having children (which I'm open to) so we do see a future together.

Tbh it did start out as just a bit of fun to begin with but we actually liked spending time together. However, I will take on board the comments on taking it slow and trying not to plan too far ahead

@sassbott

Ok. So she’s in a very different place to you. I presume the way you describe her, she has no children etc and is in a very different stage of her life. Do you see any form of future with her? Or is this just dating/ a fling?

Without knowing too much more, neediness and jealousy will be a huge turn off for her. Someone this much younger won’t be seeking to resolve your insecurity (apologies for the vast sweeping statement based on the little you’ve given).

As a female I have recently started seeing younger men. Just dinners at this stage. Here’s my observations. They are in different places in their lives. I was there too myself and I recognise it.
As a result here’s how I am approaching it.

I am not looking for anything committed or serious with such significant age gaps. Nor do I wish to see them too much. I myself have a fairly full life between children, work, friends etc. i am most definitely not going to compare myself to women they have dated who are 10-20 years younger than me. Why would I? They are gorgeous in a different way to me. I don’t look like a twenty something, they don’t have the life experience of a 40 something. Horses for courses.

Back off, get busy yourself. Lighten up. She is with you for a reason. And treat this as early fling/ romance territory. If it turns into more so be it, but this is too much too soon. Back off.

And yes, will back off. It's worked so far as an early fling with zero expectations. Maybe I just need to get back in that mindset.

Ok. So a few months into a relationship with someone 14 years younger, you are talking moving in together and having children? Bloody hell. You are both moving way too fast!

Your life was ripped apart by (basically) your wife cheating on you with another woman about a year ago and you’re moving this fast with someone else?

I’m sorry but I have to ask. What’s your financial situation? Are you perchance in quite a good position?

Yeah, when you put it like that it sounds crazy.

Financially sound, thankfully, but also aware having more children comes at a price.

Just want to say all comments have been really helpful. Plenty of things I hadn't considered that I'll take on board. Many thanks all.