So I matched with a woman two years ago, on a dating site. We met up, got on and decided to give things a go.
Then Covid hit. Obviously we couldn't meet up but we kept corresponding, electronically but in long letters to each other. I fell for her and she said it was mutual.
Then she came clean. And she told me she had a husband. But she said she was thinking of leaving him. She came up to see me to talk about it. But when she came, she then backtracked and said she wouldn't leave him.
We kept talking (from my pov because I was head over heels for her). But I knew I didn't want to be with her like that because I want a real partner in my life. I met up with her once more to say goodbye (I have no moral excuse for this).
We didn't talk but I thought about her for months. We met up again early last year. Again I have no excuse for it.
Since then, we've talked as friends occasionally, for about 10 months.
The whole thing has been playing on my mind for a long time now though. I know I did wrong to continue long after I should have shut the door. And I haven't seen her in 10 months, despite her asking to.
Ultimate question - should I give her husband an option to know about what happened?
(By option, I mean sending a message along the lines of - "I think you know who I am. I don't mean you or anyone any harm. Message me if you want to know more. If not, delete this text and you (or anyone else) never hear from me again").
Some other context:
- Her affairs are all BDSM based. Her husband has occasionally done this but isn't really into it.
- I think she does genuinely love her husband. Hence wanting to stay with him. And they have three children together. She has never once bad mouthed him. Quite the opposite. I think she's still very much genuinely in love with him.
- She has had many many affairs over around fifteen years of her twenty two year marriage. He has known (found out by accident) of the existence of at least three of these affairs in the past. Once found out, each time he was upset and begged her to stop. She did stop the immediate affair. But then restarted a different affair with a new partner(s) afterwards.
- Directly before me, she had a lover for 3.5 years. He moved to her city to be close to her. She thinks her husband has a suspicion about this lover but he never really knew. This only ended because the lover moved out of the country for family reasons.
- She told me that she was on the dating sites looking for a permanent lover. Since we met and things didn't work out, I know that she is still active on the same websites and still looking for the same thing - a permanent lover. As well as looking for casual sex, in addition to a longterm lover.
I've thought long and hard about my motivation for considering doing this. My motivation isn't to destroy anything. Personally, and as strange as it sounds, I think that she is a loving wife and he should stay married to her. But I am vastly aware that this is not my choice to make. And what I want to do is offer her husband the chance to learn more about what his wife really does, rather than being kept (involuntarily) in the dark. I wouldn't send any details unless he then responds to me and asks specifically for them.