Apologies all - it’s a long post but I need to get it all out there, maybe it will help me seeing things written down… Please don’t judge me for my story. I just wanted to be happy - don’t we all? …
10 years togetherhalf of that married and now blessed with our rainbow baby.
He was a lovely dad for a day or two and then he started to drift away… Fast forward 6pa few months and so much has changed we now feel like strangers.
This baby was everything we (or I??) ever wanted and now that’s what pulls us apart…
I never expected things would turn out this way, even though we were not a perfect couple. Our personalities are so different (they say opposites attract?!) we soon started to argue about many things - he blamed my character I blamed his, we said sorry and we moved on, until next time.
Now I think it was a convenience that we ended up together, we shared a flat and I guess we were good flatmates, and when we realised we wouldn’t make such good life partners, we had already invested many years into this relationship, and if you add a bit of family pressure - we decided to get married. Everyone congratulated us, everyone wished us luck and love - it felt really good. But soon it all evaporated, we got on with daily life. I realised I live a lie, I wasn’t happy and he wasn’t happy too. Sometimes I felt really low, and I had dark thoughts, very dark thoughts... I lost hope I could ever be happy again, that life could be good again. But we kept going.
Friends started having children and I started to feel very lonely, I grew up in a lovely family and I was so ready to be a mother as well.
So we started trying for our baby too. Months turned into years and after some fertility struggles we welcomed our rainbow baby.
Even though those early weeks of motherhood were overwhelming, I was happy and full of hopes that now our life has a purpose and is fulfilled.
But then my husband didn’t share the same feelings…
Baby crying was too much for him as was baby waking up at night, rocking baby to sleep was too much for him as well. He said he needs to concentrate on work, he needs to be rested, he needs to sleep well. He perceived his parental role as secondary and I only received limited support from him. There was no intimacy between us too (he said he needs to sleep in another room because of baby), but I so needed to be hugged, to be kissed, to be accepted and to be loved. After all, those 9 months of pregnancy were really tough worrying about the baby and carrying to term, lots of anxiety and praying that the baby is born well and healthy (it was and is such a blessing!)
But I started to feel very lonely and rejected by my husband who did everything he could to keep himself busy and out of our family life, even during weekends he could find some excuses to not go for a walk with us or look after the baby.
My parents offered that I visit with the baby as they would love to help. I accepted the offer and husband actually encouraged me too, as I was all alone with him working till late hours, it was a relief to get a bit of break, a bit of time to myself, I finally felt looked after with lovely homely food and care, I finally started to feel happy and enjoyed motherhood.
Husband visited for a weekend but rather than spending time with the baby, he preferred to go for a beer and relax. I felt disappointed as I thought that after a few weeks of not seeing each other, he will be longing to be with me and the baby. Sadly not…
Another month went by, I kept in touch with him on FaceTime so he could see the baby, but he never called us from his end. I started to be worried about his lack of initiative and disappearing interest. How could he cool his feelings so much - I thought this baby was everything we wanted. We’ve been together 10 years but I feel like strangers now.
He visited again, and after a nice welcome he started to complain again about his work, how tired he is and so on - he didn’t even ask how I was, and how was our baby.
He went out drinking again, but when I prompted him that I thought we would be spending more time together, that we could go for a date whilst my parents look after the baby, he got angry and said he can’t stand my demanding manner. He threw his wedding ring at me, he said it’s over and he doesn’t care about the baby.
He tried to grab his car keys - I knew he was drinking so I tried to stop him from getting into the car, he got violent and abusive. He didn’t hit me but I got scared he would - I had never seen him so angry and so out of control of his behaviour and emotions - I had to let him go to protect myself and my baby as I didn’t know how more violent he could get. He got into the car and drove away - all I could do was to call the police and report him but I don’t know if he got caught, probably not and thank god he didn’t cause any accident or harm to anyone. I was beyond scared that evening.
I can’t forget about this - he caused enormous amount of stress and I can’t forgive him. If he lost his temper and control like this once, I feel it can happen again and I worry about my welfare and the safety of our baby.
The damage to my trust has already happened. I feel that cannot be undone - it was that one step too far.
I’m still with my parents, and it’s been weeks with only sporadic contact with my husband. He says he is sorry, he says he was drunk and can’t remember what exactly happened. He also says it’s my fault because I led him to behave like this...
He expects things will go on as normal but I can’t… it is just not right for me anymore. I know when we get together we will either go cold feelings or argue again, baby will witness that and I don’t want life like this for this innocent baby who deserves all the love in life.
I feel I need to give myself a chance to find true happiness in life, I need to detach myself from this unhealthy situation which went on for far too long. I don’t believe my husband that we can fix things - I just don’t think it’s possible. I have lived in this unhealthy system for so long I probably forgot how it is to live in a healthy relationship again…
If we part ways, will my baby forgive me for breaking the family?
All I ever wanted was to be happy and have a lovely family…. I’m devastated to find myself in this place, in this point of time.
But I just can’t keep going like this anymore…