Marriage has completely broken down

[Pullthedamncurtainsjeff]

Nc as I don't want this linked to posting history.
In a nutshell, married almost 20 years with 2 DC (primary school age). I'm convinced DH has depression (he denies) due to the cycles of his behaviour and mood. Over last few years our relationship has gradually broken down and after an exchange this morning I'm completely done. He is verbally abusive, completely undermines me at every opportunity and in short, is completely selfish and a bully. OTOH he's completely different with the children and they adore him. So it's definitely behaviour which is he aware of, can control and chooses to direct at me. For periods of time it can be quite settled but then reverts back to what I have detailed above.

Our home is mortgaged and a self build on land he owns so I have no idea of the legal process if we split (I'm on the mortgage and have always paid half). I'd happily leave with nothing and start again with the children but I am completely scared of starting that conversation. He will without doubt tell me to go if I want, but on my own and can't take the children, and that's not an option. Then this conversation will be out there and there's no taking it back so whatever relatively calm periods we have will be destroyed. What are my options? The only one I see is to make peace with it, ride out the next years until children are adults and deal with it then?

In divorce the starting point is 50/50 so him owning the land I don't think is an issue. Can you afford to pay the mortgage on your own? You need to chat to a solicitor and look at your finances.

First step talk to a Solicitor.

Waiting it out till your children are adults is in no one’s best interest. Don’t let the poor way their father treats their mother be your children's primary relationship role model.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and your relationship was really over the first time he abused you.

I daresay he has been abusive towards you for years now. He is emotionally harming your children as well by being "nice" towards them and in turn horrible towards you as their mother. They pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, and they are likely to be quiet and somewhat subserviant around him. They cannot continue to learn such damaging lessons on relationships because this could become the pattern in their own adult relationships too.

The calmer periods you have in this relationship with him is the "nice" part of the cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one

Re your comment:-
"The only one I see is to make peace with it, ride out the next years until children are adults and deal with it then?"

DO NOT DO THIS!. Sorry for the capital letters here but this will just further condemn you and them to a life of untold misery and pain. You'll be far older and worn down and out by him then and it will be even harder for you to leave. Divorce is not failure here, the above scenario really is.

Do seek legal advice on Monday if possible and with a view to divorcing your abuser asap. It would also benefit you here to contact Womens Aid and seek their advices too. This man is not above the law here and he cannot dictate what you can and cannot do.

The relatively calm periods you have with him are really the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is also a continuous one. This man has bullied you and in turn your kids into complying via coercive control methods and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

DO NOT leave, he is bullying you. Start divorce proceedings and if he becomes abusive call the police.
The court dictates what you get not him.
I've been in your shoes so I know.
The court gave me 70% of the house and 100% custody of DS. My ex told me to leave the house and leave DS with him but there is no way I'm doing that as he was an abuser.
He is trying to bully you. He doesn't hold any of the cards, the court does.
Make notes of everything he does and says, that is essential.
Take recordings if you have to.

I agree he is bullying you. He can’t dictate to you to leave but not take the children.
His verbal abuse to you but nicey- niceness to the children is very damaging for you and your dc ( it has a name, can’t remember)
See a solicitor. Write down every nasty thing he has said and done.
If your name’s on the house then it’s 50/50 split. Don’t walk away with nothing.
Look after yourself, you’ll get through this.

DO NOT DO THIS!. Sorry for the capital letters here but this will just further condemn you and them to a life of untold misery and pain. You'll be far older and worn down and out by him then and it will be even harder for you to leave. Divorce is not failure here, the above scenario really is.

This ^

Think about how things are right now and how it's making you feel - double that feeling for every year you intend waiting it out. By the time your kids are old enough you will be so ground down that it will be you that is suffering from depression.

Things won't get better or stay the same for you - they will get worse.

Thank you to each and everyone of yoy, I'm in tears reading this but its exactly what I need to hear. I haven't spoken to anyone IRL so it's a relief to have it acknowledged. I'm taking it all in and making a plan