Family divorce - feel so upset!

[ginandgarlands]

Need some advice - found out yesterday that BIL (my fiancé’s brother) and his wife are separating. She and I are extremely close, she has been in the family exactly as long as me, we’ve gone through so much together and have a real genuine love for each other. I think of her as my sister. My fiancé and I are in bits really, as he loves her too and is really worried his brother is making a huge mistake.

They don’t have children so I guess they’ll be no reason for her to ‘stay in the family’ if she doesn’t want to. MIL couldn’t stop crying when my fiancé spoke to her about it. She absolutely loves her too.

I’ve already reached out and we’ve messaged back and forth, I’ve told her as far as I’m concerned she’s my family and nothing has changed for me. We’ve arranged to meet next week. I need some advice from people who have been in SIL’s situation though, on how to play this. I don’t know how I’d feel if I were her - I’m not sure if it would be too painful to maintain a relationship with us/me. I’m very aware I don’t want to make an already difficult situation more upsetting by constant reminders of the family. I just don’t know what to do really - she’s been at every single family event for as long as I’ve known fiancé’s family. This has come quite out of the blue and they’ve said there’s no animosity, it seems like they’ve just become friends rather than a couple. She’s also supposed to be my bridesmaid at my wedding, but I can’t even think about that right now and I’m sure it’s low down on her list of priorities. What kind of contact and support would you want in her position from me?

You’ve told her that you are there for her and that you want to continue your close relationship.

Let her come to you.

Gosh the pressure on your bil. Has anyone been checking with him?

Of course you can stay friends, just she can’t come to family events. Like most friends don’t..,

@Fairylightsongs BIL is being very supported, my fiancé has been on the phone with him and the whole family has rallied round. No need to worry about that. This post is asking about SIL.

I know she can no longer come to family events, my question is about our future relationship outside of being in-laws, and how I can be there for her.

You have reached out which is the first step. Hope you can continue being a part of each other's lives, sorry I can offer no concrete suggestions.

It all sounds a bit overly dramatic op. Your fiance is in bits and mil can't stop crying?

Anyway, just say "I value your friendship and I don't want that to change. Let me know when you want to meet up"

Leave the ball in her court.

You have to just take things step by step. Stop catastrophizing and take time to listen and let HER guide you. Make it about her not you.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

It all sounds a bit overly dramatic op. Your fiance is in bits and mil can't stop crying?

Anyway, just say "I value your friendship and I don't want that to change. Let me know when you want to meet up"

Leave the ball in her court.

I came to say the same. Its very dramatic. You all sound overly involved in everyone's relationships.

I think firstly, don't tell her you are in bits.

Nothing worse than getting divorced and hearing how bad other people are feeling about it.

I do think you may need think of bil. Because, how your relationship with sil develops will be impacted by him (and her) and how the split proceeds.

I think you need to support her, without taking sides (it may not stay amicable forever) I think you may need to just take one day at a time. And if she backs off, even temporarily, then let her do that. Aside from that, offer to to for a meal or coffee. If she seems to avoid making definite plans, don't push it.

I stayed friends with the cousin of an ex, for a long time after the break up. Including the cousin becoming my flat mate for a while, when she moved temporarily to my town. We never talked about my ex; because we were friends in our own right regardless of him. We enjoyed each other's company and had other things to talk about.

So, think of how you treat or communicate with your other friends. Your ex SIL is now in that category, one of those friends.

Thanks for the advice about not telling her how upset we are, I think that’s great advice. I remember when my dad died how fucking annoying it was everyone telling me how upset they were, but I hadn’t actually applied that feeling to this situation. Thanks for the reminder! Our upset isn’t her problem.

Surprised at the comments that our family reactions are over the top - we’re all very close, someone leaving the family is a huge deal. From my childhood I remember when my aunt and uncle split up my mum’s family were very upset for a long time, it was a massive thing. I guess if you’re not close with your family and don’t see them as friends maybe you wouldn’t feel the same. Of course a lot of the upset is also for BIL and what he’s now going through. Just sadness at a sad situation.

I was your SIL in this situation.
People reacted in the same way as you and your MIL and it was strange and made everything so much harder.

I stayed friends with my ex-SILs but ultimately it became very difficult as they wouldn't/couldn't invite me to anything so I missed out on their significant birthdays etc.

My ex sil texted me a simple message, you will always be my sister. I was very touched. I actually do still go to family events as I was married 22 years, they are my family and exh has no issues with it as we are good friends, but I wouldn't take dp out of respect for him (despite have an invitation for dp and exh saying it was ok) we are pretty unusual though