Relationship over ?

[Cleoamber]

Hi everyone , just need to get this all out here and have somewhere to vent / some advice on what to do ..

My 8 year relationship is really at a terrible stage and I’m just so sad ,

So going back to when it all started to go down hill in the late summer of 2020 , I fell pregnant with our son ( planned ) and things seemed to be great , we found out I was 5 weeks and he seemed happy .. jump forward two weeks .. he messaged me one morning after leaving for work to say that he felt like our relationship had gone stale and he wasn’t sure if he still felt the same .. he loved me but wasn’t “in love “ with me . As you can imagine this just threw my whole world into melt down .. I was absolutely devestated .. he stayed in a hotel for a week because he said he couldn’t see me so upset , he hinted towards a termination a couple of times but said he would support whatever decsission I made although I generally knew he would of liked a termination , that was absolutely out of the question for me .

The first 6 months of my pregnancy was awfull , I was quite sick and really down , because of covid he couldn’t attend any of the scans etc but he wasn’t really that bothered anyway . At 4 months I decided to get a gender scan which he was very keen to do .. turns out it’s a boy so he was very pleased about that and did seem to warm up to the idea of having a son . We slept in separate bedrooms the whole time . Oh and he also made a point of saying that he wasn’t that keen on being at the delivery even though he knew I wouldn’t of wanted anyone else there .. so fast forward to the birth .. I had PROM and was monitored for 48 hours for infection before my son was born .. after the birth we had to stay in for 3 days on medication for sepsis .. because of Covid once he left he couldn’t come back .. he chose to leave so I was on my own for the 3 days .. on the day I could come home I messaged him to pick us up .. he said it will be a few hours before I’m he could get to me 🙄😔 turns out he was in a garage with his friend messing about with his car .

He didn’t take any days off work when we came home .. he uses the excuse that I’m not earning money so he has to work .

Since then things have been very stagnant .. we still sleep in different rooms .. at first that was because the baby was very unsettled and then I decided to co sleep for a few months .. now it’s really just because I can tell he doesn’t want me there and he would prefer to play on his phone all night .

He doesn’t do anything around the house ( our house is large and it’s a lot for me with a baby )

He has never used the steriliser or made any bottles , never done a night feed . ( his reasoning is I’m home all day )
I actually run a eBay business and have continued it all through my pregnancy and maternity leave so this had been a lot of work but he has no respect for that and still says “ you don’t work “ .. I also went back to my other job two evenings a week when my son was 5 months old to give myself abit of extra money because I have to pay for all of the baby’s things / clothes /milk etc and he says that’s fair because he’s covering the mortgage

Yesterday after a conversation about us splitting , he said that I make no effort for him that’s I’m always scruffy .. I was actually wearing adidas leggings and a sweatshirt which I saved up to buy myself so it just really made me feel rubbish ..
I don’t have a ton of spare money but I have nice clothing and think I always look out together , leggings and gym wear is in fashion right 🤷🏻‍♀️ He spend a lot of money on his clothes and new iPhones etc etc but never buys me anything

I really just don’t know what to do about him , he acts like he wants us to work things out but am I fighting a losing battle , have things gone too far

Sorry for the very long and jumbled post there’s just so much to get out there so many things I couldn’t possibly post them all

Iv not told any of my family or friends any of this so iv been dealing with it all on my own for the past 18 months 😞

He isn't a decent, kind, supportive partner, in the slightest. You need to end this now. You will be much happier.

This is so sad, OP. This man is making it clear that he doesn’t want to be with you or your little one but, for whatever reason, hanging around like a bad smell thinking that his presence is somehow making up for his total lack of engagement.

Please don’t internalise this man’s comments. Don’t try and ‘unscruff’ yourself to meet his changing requirements of you. This is about him so don’t change a thing except one: please remove this man from your life and take charge of ending this situationship. You and your son deserve a thousand time more than what this deadweight is bringing to your lives which, from the sounds of it, is zero practical support and irregular griping at how you haven’t met his romantic needs. Plus the fact he’s MIA when it comes to being a dad. What a useless specimen.

Raise the bar, OP and wave him off with a contact plan in place. For you and your son.

You need to end it. Don’t wait for him to do it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this at the start of your lovely son's life. I do think you should reach out to a friend or family member who knows you and the situation well and help you sort things. Don't go through all this alone. Big hugs x Also: you have a fab life ahead wherever happens and I KNOW you will look back and think "thank God lifes better now".

Ask him to give you some space. You can’t live like this - it’s not fair on your child never mind you. Go and get done legal advice and also, confide in your family. You need support

You don't make an effort for him???? Him, the man who essentially abandoned you in hospital with newborn when you were ill and then couldn't be arsed to come and collect you when you were discharged??? You don't make an effort for HIM?? What an absolute fucking cheek. I can only applaud you for not losing your shit at that point. You deserve so so much more than this. He is a terrible person and you sound lovely. Please please confide in someone you know will be supportive in real life

Thankyou for all your advice xx

I think the question 'Relationship over?' indicates that you're not taking responsibility for your situation. I mean this kindly; taking responsibility is something I didn't do for years, and I've been so much happier since I started to.

You need to answer the question. You've detailed your relationship: is it the relationship you want?

I really just don’t know what to do about him , he acts like he wants us to work things out but am I fighting a losing battle

You don't do anything with him. It's not your responsibility to 'do' anything with him. Tell him calmly how you feel, and what the relationship you want looks like. His response will tell you everything you need to know (although I think you know already) If he doesn't respect your needs, leave.

Why haven't you spoken to anyone about this? What's stopped you? You must have wanted to?

If you weren't with him - you were single, looking for a new partner - and he was a potential candidate, would you fight to have him? The guy who prioritised tinkering with his car over picking up his partner and baby from hospital?

When people attack someone, it's often to draw attention away from the infidelity they are getting up to, or just from their massively obvious, major faults.