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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Love my husband & hate him equally

16 replies

cookiesmummy · 29/01/2022 02:34

Sorry for such a long post but I have nobody that I can talk to & could really do with some advice.. I been with my husband for 24 yrs & When I was 5 months pregnant I caught him secretly videoing me naked while sleeping. It was not the first time I thought he was videoing me but first time I caught him in the act. We had a blazing row I threatened to leave but with me 5 months pregnant at the time, I eventually forgave him & let it go. Then 8 years later again thinking was he videoing me, at night but had not caught him, until I came in from work & while I was getting dressed he had his phone sticking up out of his pocket with video on & I noticed.. Again I was so upset resulting in a massive row & me demanding he leave and moves out he was on couch for 6 weeks, after 6 weeks we had a family holiday already booked & went as kids were excited & we were keeping normality at home for the kids , but this resulted in us sharing a bed on holiday, and yip back to where we were. Now again, 6 years after that, I had suspected him videoing me & yes caught him at it. Its been 14 years since I first caught him . I know you think well what did you expect but he seriously is the nicest and best dad to our kids and perfect in every other way. I should also mention its a vicious circle because while he does his videoing crap I hate him so much he makes my skin crawl I don't have sex as I can't bring myself to, so we would have sex once every 6/8 weeks. So perhaps it's his sexual frustration through lack of sex on my behalf. I should also say that I was abused by my uncle for a number of years as a child, the ONLY person I confided in at the time was my older brother who I looked up to, & was shocked when all he did was laugh when I told him about my uncle & guess what, he shoved me on the bed and try to put his hand up my dress saying what does he Do? While my husband does not know the full extent of my abuse as a kid, he is aware so he knows how difficult I have in trusting men. I actually feel broken at the moment, I feel I know my husband won't change after all its 14 years since I first discovered. But he has asked would I help him that he doesn't know why he does it etc. We are both from abroad so have no family and no close friends although I would be too embarrassed to speak to anyone about this. I have once again told him we are over but part of me does think should he/we try counselling, but don't think now I could ever trust him again even if he never did it again surely I would never 100% trust him so what is the point of going for councelling. Should we try counselling, or do you think we are gone past the point of rescueing as I say I love him in every other way I would of said we were soul mates. If only I hated him it would be so much easier. Please can you not judge me for taking him back just wanted to ask what you would do try counselling or am I making too much out of this he is my husband afterallThanking you for taking time to read.

OP posts:
DragonMovie · 29/01/2022 02:46

I’m so sorry - that is truly atrocious.

You’re a victim of a serious sex crime. I might be wrong but I don’t think any counsellor would be willing to deal with this as anything other than a crime.

He is committing a sexual offence. Do you really trust him around your children when you know you can’t even trust him in your presence? Do you know what he does with the videos? he could be sharing them with others.

I am so sorry but you need to leave.

JennyForeigner · 29/01/2022 02:46

The point of counselling is that you will hear that how you feel about this is 100% valid, natural and important.

This is predatory, disturbing behavior. If your husband wanted help he would have got it. He knows about your history of abuse and is getting a sexual kick from doubling down on it. He has chosen his own method of abusing which is all about his control and your vulnerability, and there is nothing accidental about this.

It is not your responsibility to fix him. If you don't believe he can never ever do this again, understanding fully exactly how abusive and traumatizing his conduct has been - and bear in mind that you can't know the full extent of it or trust him to tell you - you need to act to protect yourself.

Ring your local women's abuse charity and talk it through with them. They are there to help and will have immense experience and practical understanding.

whatever1980 · 29/01/2022 02:48

He of course shouldn't be doing this anyway but also you've told him numerous times over a long period of time that you hate this. He also knows your background and he continues to video you. He has no respect for you at all. Im sorry but he doesn't. To record someone naked without their consent when they know the person hates it is a huge violation.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 29/01/2022 02:54

I am not trying to be nasty to you, but, are your children daughters?
What happens when he videos them? Or puts the video of you online?
No matter how "perfect" he is in some ways, he is a long term sexual predator who thinks that he can carry on with impunity because, so far, there have been zero consequences.
Please get help to leave him.

WatchMyChops · 29/01/2022 03:43

Your husband surreptitiously taking videos of you not only without your consent, but also when you are in a state where you can’t even give your consent (e.g. when you’re sleeping, your back is turned when you’re changing etc.). This does not make him a nice person. He knows that you don’t like it and he keeps on doing it. Does that make him a nice person? What if he suddenly becomes vindictive in the case of a separation, would he delete all those videos of you?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 29/01/2022 03:59

Op I'm so sorry for what you went through as a child. I think the response (of more abuse) from your brother has led you to believe that your response to abuse has to be "shut up and take it".

Your husband is sexually abusing you now - you know for definite about 3 occasions but suspect many more. I suspect he has shared those videos with other men, I'm sorry to say.

Whats your living situation? Can you cover all the bills if you kick him out?

cookiesmummy · 29/01/2022 13:28

Thanks everyone.. I have a lot to think about...but I know what I gotta do but its so hard to get my head around everything.. And to keep things normal for kids.. Your advice is appreciated.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 29/01/2022 17:03

But he has asked would I help him that he doesn't know why he does it etc

God he has a fucking cheek!

I would say he's into voyeurism. Doing something in secret with the risk of getting caught, doing something he knows that would distress you is part of the thrill. It's the lack of consent that does it for them.

Not sure how you can trust someone like that to look after you whilst you're in a vulnerable state. He's crossed your sexual boundaries and violated your trust several times, and those are the only times you know about. You're married to a slimey man who has probably committed a criminal offence by doing this.

Why did he want to film you?? If you reported him to the police and they took his phone and equipment, I wonder what they would find. I wouldn't be surprised if he's been uploading these online.

I feel bad for you that you have been so horribly let down and exploited by men who should have respected and protected you from shit like that.

Itsnotdeep · 29/01/2022 17:42

He's filming you - why on earth do you have to keep things normal for the kids? Kick him out!

Rosynose · 29/01/2022 18:21

Op I feel so sad for you, this is awful and not what a loving partner would do. Please as pp said call women’s aid. Flowers x

CheekyHobson · 29/01/2022 19:14

I don't have sex as I can't bring myself to, so we would have sex once every 6/8 weeks. So perhaps it's his sexual frustration through lack of sex on my behalf.

To be clear. He might be sexually frustrated but that does not MAKE him video you. He has many options available to him for dealing with that frustration - he could communicate with you, have a wank, seek counselling, etc. But he chose to perform an illegal act. That's HIS choice.

But he has asked would I help him that he doesn't know why he does it etc.

This is a way of portraying himself as the helpless victim of forces beyond his control, and ropes you into solving his problems for him.

The only solution is to say "NO, I can't help you. If you want to figure out why you do this and change, it's your responsibility to seek therapy with a professional. My only responsibility here is to refuse to have sex with someone who completely disrespects my privacy and sexual boundaries."

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/01/2022 19:33

I know you think well what did you expect but he seriously is the nicest and best dad to our kids

No he isn't, he's committing sexually motivated criminal offences against their mother.

It is illegal to film or photograph someone naked without their consent.

He's a criminal committing sexual offences against you.

He is NOT a good dad. Let alone the 'nicest' or 'best' dad.

I don't know if your kids are girls or boys but I wonder what he'd think of a man secretly filming his daughter naked, even as an adult? He's think that man was a nasty cunt abusing her trust. And he'd be right.

LimpLettice · 29/01/2022 19:43

Op I don't want to upset you more, but you know that is it very likely he is sharing those videos, don't you? There are sites devoted to this stuff and there has been more that one thread on here about it. You need to get to the bottom of this, he is committing a horrible criminal offence and adding to your history of abuse which is just vile and not what a 'good' father does.

whatanightmaree · 29/01/2022 19:44

What is he doing with the videos?

cookiesmummy · 30/01/2022 00:33

Thanks all,
I do suppose there is now nothing on his phone as he would of deleted it.. I suppose I will never know if he has posted them anywhere.. By the way I am nothing to look at so I don't think again he would post them online but I gave now found some odd emails with purchases from Canada £50...and adverts for cars sent with pass codes.. And a receipt for a computer part also in Canada.. Which he doesn't even own a computer and if it needed fixing it would be me. So all Canadian transaction as well as some declined. Its blocked access cannot open site...I also found a message from someone on Instagram saying how much for an hour photo session inside or out? Didn't think he was ever on Instagram but calls him by his nickname so probably has. I am not arall familiar with Instagram but would of thought he is not posting on there hoping it was a scam email but didn't look it.. Can things get much worse... So yes I know what I gotta do but still shocked and not got my head round everything yet.. Thanks for all your responses... You know I am a nurse.. Some would say should know better... My dad used to beat my mum for years until she left him she was 50 years old at the time... The funny thing was once she left they got on OK.. I am 47 this year and life seems a right mess.. But I know I can do this!

OP posts:
nalabae · 30/01/2022 20:53

He’s a creep ew

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