Can't sleep!

[D0lphine]

I have a new ish partner and I cannot for the life of me sleep next to him.

When we come to bed he is always loud/ hyper. He doesn't "wind down" speaking quietly and softly. He asked me about 6 times what was wrong tonight in bed. I was like ... I'm tired. There is nothing wrong. Then he told me off for fidgeting (was trying to get comfy) Then he starts snoring like a walrus.

I just can't sleep and have got a real mental block about it. It gets to about this time and I think fuck it I'm going to the spare room.

He has said that me sleeping in the spare room isn't ideal. (To be clear I have a spare room with a comfortable bed- no one is put out by me sleeping there except him.)

I've said to him that he snores like a tractor (and have recorded him haha).

It's just really hard because I wish I could just fall asleep. I'm getting so frustrated with myself.

Another factor is I was single for about 2 years and used to my own space / peace and quiet. I really need to fucking sleep. It's me as well - I know it's not just him!

I've tried so far: no drinking (dry Jan), meditating before bed, hot showers before bed. No caffeine after mid day, ear plugs, herbal sleep tablets. Nothing has worked. Except going to the spare room!

Does anyone have any ideas? He is moving in at the end March and im dreading to think how im going to sleep!

Have you told him what you said here? That you need quiet to sleep and he's too loud? What did he say?

I don't think he got it. Like I don't think he understood that he was being loud.

The other thing he does is goes on his phone which is bright and flashy. Exactly the opposite of what I need to sleep.

It's really selfish but then I probs need to speak to him. About it when I'm not tired and in bed and furious.

I'm just so angry he is asleep in my lovely cosy bed and I'm awake at nearly 2 a.m. against my will yet again.

And I can still hear him snoring in the fucking spare room.

Just so irrationally angry that he has taken over my lovely peaceful tranquil bedroom with his pre- bedtime loudness and fucking snoring. Used to be my sanctuary

Hmm. I wouldn't move in with him. It sounds like you're unsuited. He's supposed too make you happier, not piss You off!

So tell him, no phones in the bedroom.

What's everything else like? How do you get on out of the bedroom? Does he do his share of housework?

Hang on - he's sleeping at yours, but you're in the spare room? No way Jose

He goes and sleeps in the spare room and you stay in your comfy bed.

Don't let him move in !

Not a great start to relationship. It'll only get worse and fill you with resentment.

That's not irrational at all. Why should you be the one to make all the accommodations and sacrifices because he's too insensitive to notice he's upsetting you? And then you worry because he says it's not ideal you sleeping in the spare room?!
This needs sitting down and discussing, calmly, before he moves in. If he doesn't understand how important it is to you and adapt his behaviour then he doesn't move in!
I speak from experience of a snoring ex-partner and many, many rows. So happy to be living on my own now. When my friend comes to stay HE sleeps in the spare room 😊

As someone who has had their life completely destroyed by something that started exactly the same way you describe, my advice would be to sort out the sleeping arrangements as a matter of urgency. My story is too long and traumatic to tell here, but trust me, nothing matters more than a good night's sleep. Don't put up with it even for a single night more!

Why would YOU sleep in the spare room? He is a guest in your house. Make it clear he is to sleep in there.

Partners don't need to share a bed, a room or even a house.

I'd never share a room with a guy 24/7 again. Personal space is important.

And if my partner snored like a foghorn and i could hear it from my room then I'd probably not stay over anymore. They can always come round during the day instead and then go home most times. Unless they live far away in which case ok it might not be be practical.

But seriously op
,choose a good night sleep over some guy any day. Your own needs should always come first.

Oh god don't let him move in. The nights you have now - sleepless, seething and not in your own bed - will be your future. Can you stand the thought of that, stretching endlessly in front of you?

He needs to stay in his own place until he gets it about sleep hygiene, which he patently doesn't at the moment

I love Mumsnet (sometimes). You've had great replies on this post, all saying the same thing.

What have you decided to do, OP?

Thank you all so much. Got to love Mumsnet.

I haven't decided anything. I'm going to have a think about it.

I'm defo going to speak to him. He isn't like this in other areas of life, otherwise I wouldn't be with him. It's just this one thing. I do think I can speak to him and get it sorted.

I'm going to say I need

• no phones in bedrooms
• no chat in bed
• no being loud in any way
• if he is snoring one of us moves (preferably him)
• he doesn't make me feel guilty if I need to move because my sleep is important.

Not going to get rid because he is a good egg. He came with me to buy a car yesterday, checked it over, haggled with the guy, and drove it home. Now he is replacing some car bulbs outside and he is going to show me how to do it later.

Just one example to show you all he is not a total arse hole!